Japan 5 - Nick 0

What do a drinking party, Steve Sheldon, a girl's house, and diarrhea have in common? A lot more then one would think ...


Whenever a new school year starts the school throws an "Enkei." Which essentially is a drinking party with tons of traditional Japanese food, and endless booze. The object of this party is to introduce new staff and get tanked.

(oh and before I continue I would like to apologize because I did not bring my camera to the event, so no pictures, I'm sorry)

I don't really want to go into details of the Enkei because they're quite boring. Just know that it's rude to serve yourself. One must wait for others to offer more to eat and drink. Which I thought was going to be a problem, but it wasn't at all. There was someone at my table every other minute.

"Giunta-sensei, beeru?... oh waa.. Coca Cola?"

Oh man then the real confusion starts..

"Hai, Gominasai, ei beeru" (Yea sorry, no beer)

Everyone stared at me like I had shit smeared across my face.
I could see it in their eyes..

"What do you mean you don't drink? You're an American! You're supposed to be pillaging our woman, and drinking our beer. What gives.."

I didn't have the heart or time to tell them about Steve Sheldon.

Who the fuck is Steve Sheldon?

Okay here it goes. ...


Long long ago in a place called SDSU...

(God damn I wish UCI was like that, I mean, look at that chick's ass in the blue. That's fuckin ridiculous. The closest thing I ever got this at UCI was peeping my neighbor. Who lived with her boyfriend. My cousin once told me that San Diego was a breeding ground for hot chicks. I have to agree with him. Thank you Jason for all the priceless knowledge you bestowed upon me, such as, never date a softball player cause one day they'll get huge.)

Where the hell was I?

STEVE SHELDON!

Mere words can hardly graze the surface of Steve Sheldon.. If I had to make a description of such an immortal using ABC's TGIF Friday night line up, it would go something like this..

Stefan Urkel from Family Matters, Meets. . .

Cody from Step by Step, meets...

Shawn the bad ass from Boy meets World (they don't make TV like they used to)

I went to visit my cousin Jason Purkiss at SDSU at the tender age of 15. 15 years old! I couldn't handle this shit! It's like throwing a virgin into the Bangbus. I exploded.

I drank beer with my cousin that night. I don't think we did anything great. Probably just watched skate videos and drank. Or went to Trish's house and watched her play with her dog. I don't remember exactly. But what I do remember is this.!!1

**falling asleep...*
almost there... so tired.. SDSU is so cool, I can't wait for college...

** House Phone Rings! **

what the, what the fuck...

"Hello?"
"Who is this!?.. Is this the cousin..."
"Uh,.. yah this is Jason's Cousin Ni.."
"I know youre name little boy!! And let me tell you, I like little boys, a lot"
*CLICK*

Oh god..

-+- 15 minutes later, I'm asleep -+-

THERES A LOUD NOISE AT THE DOOR I SUDDENLY WAKE UP!! SOMEONE HAS JUMPED ON MY BACK HUMPING ME LIKE A RABBIT.

I honestly don't remember anything after that moment. I think my body went into survivial mode. It's the moment that rape victims often to speak of... I wasn't in my body. It felt as if I was above my body looking down watching the rape unfold. I think the body does this to block out traumatic events.


So whenever people say, "Hey Nick. Why don't you drink.?"
Steve Sheldon
"Hey Nick, Why don't you stop being such a pussy and have a beer?"
Steve Sheldon
"Hey Nick, Why don't you get drunk so I can ass hole rape you?"
Steven Sheldon

That's what I couldn't tell the Japanese. They were nice enough to serve me Coke and Oolong tea with the traditional Japanese food.

The food was a mix of beef, vegetables, ramen, sashimi, tempura, egg, raw egg, boiled egg, and more egg. The lady next to me was nice enough to explain the food in broken english and hand gestures. It didn't really matter, I ate it all.

Egg Custard

At the end of the party the teacher I have a crush on walked me out. "You are very handsome," "Why thank you, you are quite beautiful, but I have to catch the train.."
"Mhmm"
"The train..."
"Mhmm"
"ah forget it."


Once on the train on the way home I get an email on my phone from my friend Sara... "Hey I'm falling asleep, but you should come by and say hello.."

Fuck it man, what the hell else do I have to do. Grab my bike and head up to her house.

She was already laying on the futon by the time I get there.
Made a bunch of small talk while she was passing out.."How was the party? Oh that's cool, Did you drink? Why not?" Steve Sheldon


She falls asleep... I start to doze off myself untill ... . . . The proverbial growl..
GRRRRR rroooooo OOOONNNNNNN

Holy shit what the fuck... I need some fresh air...

Fresh air isn't helping, oh man. I shouldn't have eaten all that EGG!!1 god damnit Japanese. Why do you love Egg so much.

I check to see if she really is asleep. She is. Good. I grab the water out of the fridge and start to drink it.. Still not feeling too hot. I jump on her computer to kill some time thinking the shit sweats will go away. No. Oh god.

Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.

There's only one way out of this mess. And that's the messy way out. Close the door to her tatami mat room. Go into the bathroom. Open that bathroom window. And let go.

Dude it was terrible. I could just imagine the egg custard pouring out. The worst part wasn't the diarrhea. It was the sporadic moments of blasting gas. If I had to make a chart of some sort..

DIA, DIA, DIA... GAS, GAS, DIA, GAS, DIA, DIA, . ...... . GAS! dia...


Oh my, I had to wake her up with all that blasting..

Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.

Just to make sure the stomach ache has subsided I sat on her computer for another 45 minutes or so talking with Lance Easton.

Gone.

Got on my bike at 4 am and rode home in the rain. ... . That was a little uncomfortable..


Japan... your food has defeated me.






Steve Sheldon...