Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick 0
I guess I should apologize for the lack of blogging to those that actually check this site.
I know most of you have nothing else to do at work, and love seeing my daily mishaps so don't worry I'll post more often.
My Daily Work Routine
I wake up around 7:00 am, eat one banana, drink some orange juice, put on a suit and tie, and walk to this train...
This picture makes it look way bigger then it actually is. In fact that is the whole train. I think it's about 4 cars? Ah, the best part is it's filled with my students who are going to the same place. "Good mowwnninng" over and over.
Once off the train I walk with a ton of students to the school.
You gotta appreciate the uniforms.
Get the hell out of my WAY! I'm going to be late for the meeting!
A shrine or temple on the way to school.
Oh man how fucking cool! A temple! I wish I was there man, I wish I was you!
Hold your horses man I know you wish were me getting naked with your teachers, but in honesty, there are shrines EVERYWHERE. I could toss a rock over my head and the chances of me hitting a shrine, temple, or someone smoking a cigarette or ridiculously high.
Here's an advanced look at the office.
As you can clearly see I'm in the corner staring into a wall. The "C" represents my vice principals looming from a distance. And the "B" are the 3 public computers. I can't believe it. This is Japan and the whole office shares 3 public computers that are so fucking slow it drives me mad. I practically get caught checking my mail everyday because the damn computer doesn't react fast enough when I close windows.
Not only are there only 3 public computers, but there's no wireless either. If you want to bring your laptop if you have to log in through a LAN line and go through a bunch of horse shit. This is fucking Japan.
I thought they would just be passing out CD players, Playstations, and Computers like condoms in Africa.
Here's a picture of my desk:
A: Japanese names and words I hear constantly. Such as "Kyoto Sensei" - "Vice principal", "Ohayo Gazaimas" - "Good Morning", and "Shindoyie" "You seem tired"
B: A piece of cake given to me by my Vice principal, pretty nice huh?
C: A CD player that I listen to occasionally. I write down lyrics while listening to whatever and tell everyone that, "Yes I'm preparing lyric lessons for the kids" (wrong).
D: Yes that is the wall. I am in the back corner of the whole office staring at a god damn white wall. There is a picture of myself on the wall so everyone knows this is the Honkie's desk. And one of my Dad and sister, just because I miss Jiggaboo Gina.
Fuck man this post is boring, tell me something cool.
Alright, well here's a little taste of what I do inside the classroom...
The kids were learning how to introduce themselves in English. I gave them all cards with different names, locations, hobbies, and ages. They had to pretend to be that person etc. What the kids didn't know is that I made them all names of friends and family... so I got little Japanese kids going around saying ..
"Herrroo, My name is Lance Easton, what is yo naiiime?
I am tiiiirty fiffe years old... how old are you?
I am fwwwom China... Where are you fwwwom?
My hoooobby is cooking for my girlfriend, what is your hobby?
Priceless I tell you.
Then I usually have one class, and it normally goes pretty smooth. But today was not that day. I tried to make them get up and use the cards to introduce themselves, but everyone instead just passed the cards around writing down the answers. Slackers (I'll write a blog later about how schools are not what I thought they would be like in Japan).
So of course what do I do when a class doesn't go the way I wanted it too? I ditch.
Now the damn school is a closed campus
I have to find another way out...
Through some shrubbery in the back I found this little gem. Sneak around the fountain, jump a ledge and I'm gone to the bakery.
Oh yes, nothing quite like a pastry in the morning after defeat. Everything is pretty tasty. Here's the dude that makes it. He was nice enough to smile for the picture in his 'Water' T shirt.
Back to reality at the office. I decide to go on the PC and check my mail.
A: What the fuck?
What the hell do those buttons do? I'm not entirely sure, but whenever my finger accidently slips and hits it, it takes ages for it to return to English.
Oh yes, the teacher I have a crush on sits right next to me and starts going through my camera with me...
God damn your skin looks so soft, those lips are just screaming for me, please come back to my house and jump on the futon with me...
"Giunta San.. uhh.. ohhh.. uhh.. Nani? (what's this)"
I wanted to tell her:
"It's not what it looks like baby I swear. I had to take a picture of this toilet because there's shit crumbs in it. The only person I know that leaves this many shit crumbs after he goes to bathroom is Aragon!! The King of crumbs! I took the picture to show him.. "
All was ruined.
But since we're on the subject of toilets!...
I have to admit, I am quite juvenile when it comes to setting the juice loose in the public spaces. I just can't help it. Whenever someone is dropping the juicy duecey in a stall, and I can hear it? I lose it every time. (Ask Toby about our trip to Phoenix).
So here's the thing, look at the door to the bathroom at work:
There's no bottom to the door. You can see people walking by as you're hitting the urinal. It's fucked up! There's hardly any privacy. What if someone real short walks by and see's the show?
Now to the toilet, which I know I've exhausted but I still can't get enough of..
I lose my cool in the states whenever someone is actually sitting on the throne blasting away. But squatting? Can you imagine how hard it is NOT to laugh when someone is squatting, dropping bombs into one of those things? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
Onto the lunch room:
A: Our great ventilation system.
Apparently the school's budget is too low to actually afford some air conditioning. So we do what any other school would do and this is to strap office desk fans to a ceiling. Couldn't we have gotten actual CEILING fans?
Here are the lunch ladies, I love them. They make my "KerrayRis" Curry and rice so good.
I love the lady that is trying to duck out of the picture.. haha YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!
The one great thing about the school is how clean it is..
It's not like in the US where every hall way is filled with trash, bathrooms tagged with graffiti and toilets sprinkled with shit (though I will admit, it did add to my adolescent experience).
The reason why Japanese schools are so damn clean is because the students are forced to clean it! Here's a picture of the students putting trash in bins with the janitor:
And finally the lone bus station..
Job well done Nicholas.
You've made it to Japan and you somehow make it through the daily grind that forces most Japanese through a window, or in the path of an oncoming train. I'm proud of you. And for this you earn your first point.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Time Out (30 second)
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick -1
S: (n) culture shock (a condition of disorientation affecting someone who is suddenly exposed to an unfamiliar culture or way of life or set of attitudes"
- Definition according to Princeton.edu
“There will be times when you hate the Japanese. When everything and everyone around you will do nothing but make you angry. This is due to culture shock and/or being homesick.”
- Speaker during training
“My best advice to you would be: Don’t let this job get under your skin. The kids will not like you. They will not like your class. Most will completely ignore you and fall asleep."
- Julian Smith, ALT whose position I took over
“There were a few times where I.. I uh… I have blown up on people. Like the guy at the convenient store, he couldn’t understand me at all. ‘You’re a fucking retard!’ I screamed. I.. uh.. I was having a bad day”
- Sarah Boccaccio, Japanese English Teacher
None of that seemed relevant to me until today.
Today was to be my introduction day. A whole class devoted to me; anything and everything about me. I thought today would have been a breeze; juniors in high school taking oral composition. Children that have been learning English since the 1st fucking grade. I walk into class with all my supplies, and greet them with a Seinfeld-esque “HEELLLOOO”
“My name is Nick - o – las June-tah”
-Crickets die of famine
Jesus Christ throw me a bone. I immediately toss on some of my favorite music (The Chariot), and passed out pictures from back home. The children thought I was crazy for the music, but they absolutely loved the beard I had in my pictures. Maybe it’s due to the complete lack of facial hair in this country. I grow enough hair on my face to cover one Jap-o’s whole body. The kids must have been frightened – I don’t blame them.
After passing around pictures I tried to play a few guessing games.
Here’s the play by play…
“Alright, the rookie out of southern California steps up the plate. Nicholas ‘White Bread’ Giunta.”
“He seems confident Bob”
“Yes indeed Chip”
“What a fool”
“I hope he crash and burns”
God damn you Bob.
Every question I asked I got the same response.
I realize words are useless. Less talk more rock.
I split the kids into groups and ask them what they would like for team names. They all chose the names of Pokemon... I'm serious
Hey Pokemon are cool
Shut up Toby, Ramil, and Ryan.
Pikachu, Richu, and Pichu,
I mean, I know this is Japan and all, but you're fucking 17 years old. SEVENTEEN!!
Let me see.. what was I doing when I was seventeen? Oh yea.. I was putting lotion on my sore dick from all that dry sex I was having. Now granted dry sex is less comfortable then watching your mom open mouth kiss, it’s still better then thinking about Pokemon at school. Have you seen what Japanese girls wear to school?! How can you think about anything else? If a teacher asked for my team name I would probably respond with “The Up-Skirt Photo Team.”
Now this is probably what bothers me the most about Japanese culture.
After the class, Sensei and I walked down to the teachers room together. He walked straight to another Japanese English teacher and began to talk in native tongue. I could tell that this was an intense conversation: "OH's.. HMMMM...O doko NOOO..."
So I do what any other honkie from the states would do after a rough moment at the office. Walk to the nearest grocery store and buy enough food to make the children of Ghana jealous. I almost lost my cool when the employee asked if I had a point card in Japanese. Do I look like I'd have a fucking point card? Does it look like I even belong in this God-forsaken country!?.. But instead I took my chicken, 8 rolls of tuna, and coke to a corner and cried while I ate.
Had to jump the fence in a suit to get back onto campus...
When I get back to school I approach the teacher that Sensei had spoken to. "Hey," I said, "I saw you talking with Nakamichi Sensei.. what did you guys talk about?"
"Oh... nuh ting"
"That's bullshit, I saw the two of you talking"
"Oh .. ya... iesha doko no..kana.. I very busy"
"Look god damnit, I don't know if you knew this or not, but in the states people talk behind each others back all the time. It's normal. But now you must reciprocate the action. I saw you and Sensei talk behind my back, now you make me promise not to tell him we spoke and all bases are covered."
". . . Doko no... *smile*"
Everyone in this country talks shit behind your back. The difference between here in the states is they are good at keeping their mouths shut, despite how fucking obvious it is.
Good job Japan, you've kicked my ass.
PS. I wrote a majority of this blog at work after the fact. I hope to God I don't get caught or I might end up like Michael P. Fay (look it up you lazy fuck)
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Time Out (full)
One must take their time, marinate the situation. Let IT know that there's no reason to be scared, you are not there to harm IT. Remember that IT is a lot more frightened of YOU then YOU are IT. Reach out with an open palm faced upward toward IT. Let IT approach you, not the other way around. If too forward, it may cause the prize to run away, or worse, yell "Chikan!!" (look it up).
Fuck it dude, I'm just going whip out my dick. They've never seen such girth through those slants!
Careful with that dick-whipping. Ya see.. There are booby traps. ...
Dude you're getting desperate.
The journey is a long and treacherous one, but the reward is great and plentiful.
For those that are still weary, I have a small video that may help.. You can fast forward to around the 2 minute mark.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Japan 3 - Nick -1
"Oh yes, Giunta san. Bring towel, we will be going to onsen"
What the fuck is an onsen?
It's basically a 'hot spring.' Or in simpler terms = A giant fucking bathtub in which members of the same sex get butt ass naked, shower, then bath with one another.
9:00 am - We meet in front of KiiTanabe station. There were about 15 people, most of which are much older then myself. We sat around stretching for a bit then we took off..
10:00 am - Stopped at a temple and got an ear full of knowledge about some traveling monk.
11:00 am - Shown the local crops and farms that fuel the markets in the city.
12:00 am - Lunch .. which was bought at a convienent store before I left
-ham and cheese sandwich (gross)
-Some funky piece of cake (delicious)
12:15 pm - One of our members starts to complain.. oh god I know what's coming.. It's one of those girls who brings way to much shit; two hours into the hike starts to complain and gets the youngest dude to carry her fucking load. So yes of course I have to carry her bag of 'god knows what. ' I should've looked inside but I can imagine what was in it...
-Razor for her chin hair
-Extra pair of briefs in case she shit her pants
- sandwich (most likely pork)
- femininity (or maybe left at home)
Nick, stop being a fucking dick, how do you know she had that stuff in there?
BECAUSE I SAW HER EATING THE WHOLE TIME. Everyother minute when she wasn't talking to me about anime or her birthday she was offering me snacks she had in zip-lock bags.
Anyway, where was I?
12:45 pm - Temple, signifying the pilgrimage of Tanabe.
1:00 pm - I found that farmers in Japan use actual scarecrow techiniques..
Here's another shot
1:30 pm - Temple....
2:00 pm - Back starts to hurt from carrying girls shit.
2:30 pm - We all sit down to rest for a while.
2:45 - Fucking Temple.
3:00 - Finished. Does she say thanks? No. But seeing her ill and ready to colapse was just as good.
"Now we go to onsen, it will relax us"
I must admit I was a tad bit nervous.
Why Nick? You scared you got a small dick?
Well YES and NO.. Allow me to explain..
I'm not one to refer to racial stereotypes but I think it's fairly common that most have heard the rumors that Asians have small penis'. (Yes Ryan, Yes Lance, sure lets through Ramil in there too, Kirks cool. I've seen it, it's huge)
Yeah man, you should be fine.
No this is where you're wrong. Everyone already knows that the Japanese have small dicks. So therefore the Japanese are thinking: "Here comes this brillant, strong, strapping young man into my country, he must be built like a horse."
Think of it as the BB (Boner Bar) is set so low, one could never dissapoint. That's genius. If everyone ALREADY THINKS you have a small penis then however big your manmeat really is, it's way bigger then prior notions.
Once naked and cleansed I jump into the outdoor onsen which overlooks the beach. This is beautiful. I am now enjoying the sunset with 8 perfectly naked older men.
What's the first thing these strangers tell me. They point to my chest hair with great interest. I am told I am the hairest man in Japan. Here's an image:
I'm writing to thank you for the wonderful afternoon we spent together. I have to admit I was a bit nervous about the whole ordeal. I mean we've only known each other for a couple of weeks, and you wanted me to get butt naked with a bunch of strangers? Please understand that's not how it works in the states. One would normally have to take me out, buy me a drink, slip me a roofie while I'm away in the bathroom then carry me home.
Thank you for being so upfront and gentle with me. When nervous you calmed me. When I was scared you slowed down. Thank you. I have never been able to completely be myself around anyone. This feels SO GOOD.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Japan 3 - Nick 0
Probably my favorite part of Tokyo ..
Harajuku is probably best known for the "Harajuku girls" that Gwen Stefanie kicks it with in her videos.
I set out to find them...
The blossoms weren't in full form just yet but it was still quite the sight. Actually I don't know what was cooler, the blossoms or these guys.. .
The fifties aren't dead completely... Who the fuck knew.
I don't know if the dance was choreographed or not, but they definitely practiced these moves all the time. There was cute a large crowd of honkies watching them. Us ol' whitey's shuh do like er' fiddies!
So those guys were cool but they weren't the Harajuku girls I set out to find!!1
My journey continued . .
Still in disbelief from the moves of the those greasers a throb developed. A throb I could no longer push away.. ya see..
Since I've been here in Japan I've been in constant contact with other human beings. I've had absolutely no time to myself, which means no self satisfaction. In more blunt terms I've had no time to masturbate. Correct sir, this swinging sac of seamen is ready to burst. So what do I do? The same thing any other self respecting man would do, I found a complete stranger to give me a hug..
All over my leg
Back on my quest..
Shortly after the free hug I found a horde of people standing next to the steps of a bridge.
"This must be it!" I thought. "This must be the legendary spot of the Harajuku girls!"
It's a fucking DUDE!! A SHEMALE, MANGINA! CHICKS WITH DICKS!!
GOD WHHHYYY?? - Why is it that what I think is going to be a beautiful Japanese women is a dude. What I think is going to have breasts has a chest. A vagina into a PURPLE HEADED YOGURT SLINGER. (just for you asakusa)
Damnit Japan, I'll NEVER BEAT YOU!!!1
insult to injury..