Thursday, May 28, 2009
God > Japan - Nick
Thursday: 3 classes down one more to go,
The class that is terrible every time I have it. No one listens to me at all. Most students either put their head down on the desk or just talk with the neighbor. Some girls flirt with me, thank God for that, or else I'd completely hate the class too.
Today was a little different. There's a punk ass Drift King who sits in the back of class and is always obnoxious. I hate obnoxious people with ugly hair cuts. What's ugly? I know I don't have the best fashion sense, but this guy is a dick. Long hair into a pony tail with racing stripes along the side of his head. I hate when people with ugly hair cuts punk me. It's awful! So Humiliating, I only can compare it to farting in front of the girl you like? I dunno. ANYWAY
He'll stand up in the middle of class and just yell at the top of his lungs just to be a cock. So what did he do today to make my life miserable?
We were playing this great game called "Hot Potato," ball goes around the room and the person who has the ball when the music shuts off has to answer a few questions in English.
Ball is going around the room, no one really cares, it's circulating.. going.... going... gets to the Drift King, and he throws it out the door out into the hallway.
You DICK! (at that very moment my phone vibrates)
I couldn't help but laugh a little bit, but once that period was over I wasn't having any of it. The Japanese teacher tried to come up to me after class and talk with me, and I told her how I felt... first time I've talked to a teacher without slowing down my words etc. I'm sure only about 6 words registered during my tirade. Sorry Taguchi Sensei. Jesus Christ can't I catch a break?
I check my phone that went off during class.
"First case of N1h1 in Wakayama, brace yourself"
Thank GOD! Swine flu has come to rescue me from the clutches of these teenage cock suckers.
That night at my house the giant loudspeaker that normally warns the town of Typhoons is talking about something... I'm sure it has something to do with swine flu.
I go to sleep in hopes that school is canceled tomorrow.
Wake up this morning, no message about school being canceled, SONOFABITCH.
Head to the train station with my umbrella, the wind and rain is blowing pretty hard.
There's no one here at the station, did I miss the train?
Train shows up.. There's hardly anyone on it. Normally I'm shoulder to shoulder with students (you have seen the pictures).
I get off at the station and get to the bus stop.. there's no one there. I'm the only person on the bus. While on the bus I see a few students bicycling to school.
Dammit there's school today.
Then I see the students pedaling back home.
I get off the bus, one student comes up to me.. "school... no.. no school"
My prayers HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!
I get into the office and everyone is sitting there with smiles on their faces. It looks like school has been canceled due to the high winds and "Typhoon Weather." Apparently during the months of July - August I'm in for some awesome typhoons, I can't wait.
I left school, got lunch and enjoyed my day off... oh man... Thank you dickheaded race striped hair cut Drift King mother fucker.
And thank you Jesus.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick 2
The park was pretty far into the mountains. It took forever. I stopped at a convenient store half way up and was lucky enough to find an Orange Gatorade! YES
Anyway one I arrived cover in sweat from the humidity and the bike ride I was greeted with a name tag, "Jason, Is this a singles night in Japan.."
All you can eat and drink bar b que and mingling? IN THE MOUNTAINS!?
I've read about this in a book given to me by amizle patizle. This should work out great. It should.. in theory.
Food was great, couldn't complain. Chicken and vegetables on the grill. Everyone had enough booze to make Toby and Steve Sheldon jealous.
Ya know how it starts:
Everyone is at their separate tables... men and women separated. I've spoken about this so many times before, the Japanese woman is a wild horse that needs time to be tamed.
Couple more drinks... some talking.. and cake..
Feeding cake turns into....
Look how happy this guy looks..
Oh cake you've never tasted so good in my life. In my life.
Jason: Nick that was awesome.
Nick: Yeah I know, we need to think of another way....
There was a circle of 20 frightened, yet terrified Japanese. Iwo Jima.
I haven't seen people this excited about spin the bottle since we were 13. And they've never heard of this game. It was so good. They couldn't understand english either of course. So how do you explain spin the bottle? You just show them.
Go han go yo.... I can't remember how we said it. "meet in me in the woods in 5"
Finally fucking Christ. It's about time you're mingling with Japanese chicks, for a second I thought you only went for the Hong Kong Dong.
Dude it's not easy, but it's fun... here's a snippit
Alright Alright Alright.
Hey girl it's okay. We do this all the time in America.
But it's the bathroom, its dirty..
No it's not girl, it get cleaned way more then those woods over there.
Well I don't know...
We can prop your leg up on the toilet..
It's a squat toilet...
Damn you Japan.
The bathroom is my #1 place to hook up. Everyone knows this! Apparently you didn't do your homework Japan... or maybe...
Maybe I can find a new way for the squat toilet to accommodate my sexual needs. oooooooo man!
You scared Japan? I'm creeping up on that score..
God so many people probably hate me right now.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick 1
Here are a few quotes..
"Your blog keeps crashing my work comp." - Amit
"- Michael Lu
"I fucking hate your blog, it annoys me, I wish I didn't read it"
" I was having such a bad day at work, then I read your blog, and it made me feel a little better"
- Some girl from Wales. . Whales? Welsh? Welches grape soda?
I'm happy everyone is enjoying the blog. Or at least reading it while at work.
I think it's funny how some people have stories about reading the blog at work.. Amit, Michael, I think Austin mentioned something to me briefly. To anyone that goes to Glendora High and reads this, do not read this at school, Jesus, the last thing I need is a phone call from Kelly Bruce, or Spanglor telling me to get in line.
If any of you have an experience with the blog (My god it sounds like I'm working)
Comment, Kuuuuuhhhhhh MMMIINNNNTTTT
Youuuu (pointing at you)
blog (pretending to type on nothing)
You should see some of the gestures I make while teaching.
Whisltes, clapping, shaking, grabbing, slapping, pinching..... k the last three are only in my head
Monday, May 18, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick 0
Congratulations on Surviving 2 months!!
This entry is dedicated to all the crackers, and honkies I met during training in Tokyo.
What we were to expect of the Orient? Most of us didn't speak a lick of Japanese (most of us still don't) . We came from all over the globe, California, West Virginia, New Zealand, Cleveland##, Chicago, England. And ….Wales? With the common purpose of traveling.
This question was thrown around a lot during the two weeks of training: “So what brought you to Japan?”
The answers varied: “Oh ya know, just wanted to see a different country,”
“I am an FBI agent*”
“I love Japan, this is my # time here”
“I can't find a fucking job in this godforsaken economy, so I said 'fuck it.'”
“My girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with me, I was going no where in life, so I decided to go nowhere in a different country.”
“I'm just looking for a gurrrl to suck on mehh balls homie,” (That sounds like Hanah!)
Answers varied, but the reason was the same. It was time to get out of dodge.
We would sit through whole days of training. Training so boring it made me start to ponder ridiculous erroneous equations...
Who in training is desperate enough to make out with me?...
Who would win in a fight...a shark, or a tiger
I wonder what color her underwear is...
I wonder if anyone can see my boner...
Once the mind numbing training was over the fun began
This is a great picture of some of us packed in the back of a bus on the way to downtown Narita.
Of course we find a “British pub” to go to. But in our defense it was 10% on drinks or something.
And does anyone know what happened to this couple? He was the coolest Aussie I've met with a shirt on.
Once everyone got their placement, there was a small group of rejects left called, “The Alternates.” They put us all in one hallway. Wooaah* it doesn't get much better then this.
This was basically vacation with some of the coolest people in the program. We all lived right next door to each other. It was a party 24/7.
Go see some sights in Tokyo in the morning,
Get dinner in the evening.
At night the girls would drink wine out of paper cups till 2 in the morning.
Then I'd try to convince them that I'm great at oral sex.
Then sadly day by day each of us would be placed. The dreaded phone would ring with instructions for a new Alternate to leave. WE WERE DROPPING LIKE FLIES. Then one day, I got my instructions to head down to Tanabe. Bogus*.
We all work in our schools now. Getting “Kancho'ed” by some students. Getting hit on by others (or maybe that's the same thing..) Trying to teach a language no one is interested in, including the school staff. Weekend outings include getting naked with fellow teachers, watching school staff get drunk, or having diarrhea at a girls house at 3 am.
Culture shock has set in for some! Yelling at people in convenience stores, getting hit by a car while riding your bike, not wanting to leave your Leo Palace.
It's exhausting. Learning a new language, adjusting to a new job, meeting new friends. Everything takes a large amount of energy. Simple conversations have become a tiresome task of hand gestures, translation books and facial expressions. Meeting new friends can blow too. Especially if you don't speak any Japanese. This means you almost HAVE to become friends with the other English speakers, no matter how lame they can be. Process of elimination. Mi casa su casa.Vio con Dios*. Talk about desperation...
This is what we wanted.
To get the hell out of dodge.
The culture shock, the shitty job, the shitty white friends, getting naked with fellow teachers, and getting hit by a car are all moments that make this experience gold (liquid gold).
So congratulations everyone! WE SURVIVED TWO MONTHS IN JAPAN!!!
*Made popular by Keanu Reeves
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Japan 4 - Nick -1
Lost in Translation.
Most days I come into work and I look terrible. I thought that was normal. A lot of coworkers come up to me..
“Oh.. Giunta Sensei, Shindoi?
“Uhh.. sure ya. Hai hai hai,”
What the hell did that mean? Whatever, I’m going to continue to stare at the wall for the next 30 minutes before class starts. Then another person comes up to me.
“Oh Giunta Sensei… Shindoi?”
“hai hai, shindoi, whatever.”
Man what the hell does that mean! I checked my zipper, my fly was up, checked my breath and armpits, both stink, but not terribly strong…
“Oh oh oh Giunta sensei, Shindoi means you look very tired, sleepy.”
Oh… well yeah I’m fucking tired, its 8:30 in the morning, give me a break.
Heres the thing though.. I kind of suspect Shindoi to mean a little more then what they tell me. The Japanese don’t tell all at once. They cant be trusted most of the time.. here's another example.
“Uhhh Giunta Sensei, me anda soma friends.. are uh thinking abouta going into Onsen this weekend, uhhh woojoo like to join?”
“naw man, I can’t..”
“Ohh uhh why notuh”
Because I’m tired of getting naked in front of Japanese dudes that’s why.
Aaaahhh you Faggot I knew you look!!
Shut the fuck up.
I’ve been in this country for about two months and Ive seen too much penis. My penis to vagina ratio is terribly unbalanced at this moment.
Penis - 16
Vagina - 0
Boob(s) - 1 (Some office lady bent over right in front me)
“actually its because I don’t have a lot of money right now.. Im waiting on pay day. Sorry”
“ohhh.. Bimbo des ka?”
“Ya sure.. Bimbo des..”
“Hahaha psahahwahh” “bwahaha bimbo deska ashdahhugehg 3$$$42$”#”$”
“What does that mean anyway?”
“Oh Giunta Sesnei, it means you are poor, no money.”
For some reason I think it means something else…
Few days later someone else outside of school asks if I wanted to hang out
“Cant, bimbo des”
“.. you have no home?”
What the fuck, “I thought that meant I have no money”
“Oh it means more like you are bum, no home, no money, no clothes, get a hold of your life Giunta Sesnei.”
Son of a bitch lied to me. I knew it meant something more then just being broke. I may be broke but Im not living on the streets yet. Cut me some slack Japanese. Jesus.
The Karate teacher just sat down next to me. And asked me to try Karate. I'm down. I'm going to make an ass out of myself but I'm down. These 17 year old Jap-o's are going to seriously punch the shit out of me. I'm hoping with a little practice I can punch through a wooden board. Hm. Plus this may be a good way to earn respect from the kids. Or completely annihilate any respect I had prior. I either kick the shit out of a kid and they think I'm awesome, or I get the shit kicked out of me and they think I'm a total bitch (more so).
The deadliest art of the orient is now in the hands of an American.
That's so funny I didn't have to alter it.
Friday, May 8, 2009
A: Hey Ramil.
Yes, in morning rush hour the trains are insane. Well in Tokyo they are. Down here in Wakayama they can't touch Tokyo with a ten foot pole. Here's a picture I tried to take one an average trip. This isn't rush hour.
It was hard to get a decent photo off. As you can clearly see someone was right up against me blocking my shot. It's strangely quiet in the trains. No one talks, and no one looks you in the eye. Its kind of like having sex with me. Pretty uncomfortable but gets the job done (sometimes).
Q:How come all the culture shock you get is from toilets? - Ryan Easton
A: Well Ryan, ya see I'm not Asian which means a couple things...
I don't suck at basketball (except you JEFF!!! you're my boy!!1)
I have hair on my balls. (Sorry Jenny)
I don't squat when I take a shit.
Q: How's your job? - Robyn Diego
Q: Have you gotten an RBJ (rough blow job)? - Amit Patel
A: Dear Amit,
I wish I could say yes to this. There's no bigger turn on then hearing a girl gasp for air while going down on you. You don't have to send me any pr0n. I know you got like 8 gigs of that shit on your computer. You can keep your RBJ's and GBH's to yourself.
On a more serious note, I went to an Indian restaurant and had some curry, and it was delicious!
The funny part was the waitress is a student of mine. She told me she hated English.
So I asked her about the hicky on her neck, trying to embarrass her.
She told me it was a curling iron burn, and that she gets hickies on her chest, not her neck. Damn girl.
And the question everyone is asking me.
Q: HOW ARE THE GIRLS?
A: In a word, terrible.
Explanation: I hate to bitch, and make excuses for the lack of my gash slaying but this is my blog. I wish I could say that every time I show the size of my girth they run screaming, but sadly that's not the case.
Here's the confusing part...
The Japanese culture is so gracious and overly polite it makes everything else so damn confusing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, I think it's great. My cracker friends aren't nearly as nice as these Japanese strangers. The problem lies with the women. The women are overly nice to me as well.
So when women that I work with call me handsome (Austin) I just take it with a grain of salt. Because they say that shit because it's what they're supposed to say. And it doesn't mean a thing. God damnit I'm beginning to sound like I grew a vagina. Maybe I did... I think I'm menstruating. Maybe I'll give myself some pussy... mmm bloody vagina.
What I should do is go for a westerner.
Dude what the fuck!? You're in Japan! Don't do that shit! Find some super submissive Japanese girl to blow you while she's cooking breakfast!
K listen to me though...
The western girls are stuck right?! I mean, they're in Japan, a totally misogynistic country where the women have little to no rights. They're not going to go for Japanese men, and Japanese men are such pussies that they wouldn't go for a strong foreigner woman.
After a couple months of marinating, these girls have to start getting desperate right?
That's where I step in.
This hairy piece of ass is going to look GOLDEN compared to anything else this country has to offer. BAM!
Of course If anything happens I'll let you guys know. And I'll try to take pictures too of course.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Japan 5 - Nick -1
Those points leave as fast they come...
That's right. I fell of my bike for the first time today.
You have a bike? You fag, I bet you love that seat riding up your ass!
Ya well you're right. I do have a bike. And as far as the ass goes. It used to get real sore after riding it, but I think some scar tissue has developed. Now I ride around pain free.
I woke up this morning around 11 am. It's the last day of my vacation so I thought to myself, "I'm gana bike ride to the bakery, get a few pastries, drink some orange juice and watch the NBA playoffs from my computer!"
It was lightly raining outside so I figured I better hurry the fuck up! Better bike as fast as I can before it starts pouring.
I pop that bitch into third gear and start pedaling like I have one testicle.
"Oh hey, there's a some steel filters in the street, I should be able to ride on those.."
Totally skid out, fell, tumbled 3 times, probably slid about 10-15 feet onto oncoming traffic.
The people that work at the gas station ran outside and began yelling at me in Japanese. I'm sure they were asking if I was ok. I'm sure of it..
I thought about turning back and going home, but then I would miss out on my pastries!! And when an American wants some sugar and bread for breakfast he gets it!
I realized there's a pharmacy near the bakery so I would stop there first, get some supplies, band aids and what not.
I get to the pharmacy and I'm limping a little bit. I walk in covered in rain, limping, and a honkie. Everyone was staring. Showed some kid my bleeding knee and he pointed me in the direction of the supplies.
Eventually made it to the bakery, bought my pastries. God damnit.
For anyone that has actually been following this blog since day one (which is probably no one), why is it that I always seem to eat whenever I'm upset? I'm like that fat chick who eats because she's upset, and is upset because she eats. I mean think about it. I eat when I have a bad class at school. I eat when the cute teacher finds my toilet pictures, and I eat when I fall off my bike. hmm...
I eventually made it back to my apt, washed my knee and took some pictures for you guys
Yah I was wearing sandals, that's why I'm cut on the foot. Dumb ass from CA
Got to watch some of the NBA playoffs from the comp. Had to watch the Denver Dallas game. I guess it's better then nothing, I was really hoping to watch Bron Bron, but the Denver 'Thugg'ets will have to do.
I'm going to start fielding some questions. If anyone has a particular question you'd like me to answer in this blog please send me a comment, or email if you know the email. Anything is fair game, such as "How many temples have you seen?" to "How many cocks do you suck a month?"
It's all good.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Japan 5 - Nick 0
What do a drinking party, Steve Sheldon, a girl's house, and diarrhea have in common? A lot more then one would think ...
Whenever a new school year starts the school throws an "Enkei." Which essentially is a drinking party with tons of traditional Japanese food, and endless booze. The object of this party is to introduce new staff and get tanked.
(oh and before I continue I would like to apologize because I did not bring my camera to the event, so no pictures, I'm sorry)
I don't really want to go into details of the Enkei because they're quite boring. Just know that it's rude to serve yourself. One must wait for others to offer more to eat and drink. Which I thought was going to be a problem, but it wasn't at all. There was someone at my table every other minute.
"Giunta-sensei, beeru?... oh waa.. Coca Cola?"
Oh man then the real confusion starts..
"Hai, Gominasai, ei beeru" (Yea sorry, no beer)
Everyone stared at me like I had shit smeared across my face.
I could see it in their eyes..
"What do you mean you don't drink? You're an American! You're supposed to be pillaging our woman, and drinking our beer. What gives.."
I didn't have the heart or time to tell them about Steve Sheldon.
Who the fuck is Steve Sheldon?
Okay here it goes. ...
Long long ago in a place called SDSU...
Where the hell was I?
Mere words can hardly graze the surface of Steve Sheldon.. If I had to make a description of such an immortal using ABC's TGIF Friday night line up, it would go something like this..
I went to visit my cousin Jason Purkiss at SDSU at the tender age of 15. 15 years old! I couldn't handle this shit! It's like throwing a virgin into the Bangbus. I exploded.
I drank beer with my cousin that night. I don't think we did anything great. Probably just watched skate videos and drank. Or went to Trish's house and watched her play with her dog. I don't remember exactly. But what I do remember is this.!!1
almost there... so tired.. SDSU is so cool, I can't wait for college...
** House Phone Rings! **
what the, what the fuck...
"Who is this!?.. Is this the cousin..."
"Uh,.. yah this is Jason's Cousin Ni.."
"I know youre name little boy!! And let me tell you, I like little boys, a lot"
-+- 15 minutes later, I'm asleep -+-
THERES A LOUD NOISE AT THE DOOR I SUDDENLY WAKE UP!! SOMEONE HAS JUMPED ON MY BACK HUMPING ME LIKE A RABBIT.
I honestly don't remember anything after that moment. I think my body went into survivial mode. It's the moment that rape victims often to speak of... I wasn't in my body. It felt as if I was above my body looking down watching the rape unfold. I think the body does this to block out traumatic events.
So whenever people say, "Hey Nick. Why don't you drink.?"
"Hey Nick, Why don't you stop being such a pussy and have a beer?"
"Hey Nick, Why don't you get drunk so I can ass hole rape you?"
That's what I couldn't tell the Japanese. They were nice enough to serve me Coke and Oolong tea with the traditional Japanese food.
The food was a mix of beef, vegetables, ramen, sashimi, tempura, egg, raw egg, boiled egg, and more egg. The lady next to me was nice enough to explain the food in broken english and hand gestures. It didn't really matter, I ate it all.
At the end of the party the teacher I have a crush on walked me out. "You are very handsome," "Why thank you, you are quite beautiful, but I have to catch the train.."
"ah forget it."
Once on the train on the way home I get an email on my phone from my friend Sara... "Hey I'm falling asleep, but you should come by and say hello.."
Fuck it man, what the hell else do I have to do. Grab my bike and head up to her house.
She was already laying on the futon by the time I get there.
Made a bunch of small talk while she was passing out.."How was the party? Oh that's cool, Did you drink? Why not?" Steve Sheldon
She falls asleep... I start to doze off myself untill ... . . . The proverbial growl..
GRRRRR rroooooo OOOONNNNNNN
Holy shit what the fuck... I need some fresh air...
Fresh air isn't helping, oh man. I shouldn't have eaten all that EGG!!1 god damnit Japanese. Why do you love Egg so much.
I check to see if she really is asleep. She is. Good. I grab the water out of the fridge and start to drink it.. Still not feeling too hot. I jump on her computer to kill some time thinking the shit sweats will go away. No. Oh god.
Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.
There's only one way out of this mess. And that's the messy way out. Close the door to her tatami mat room. Go into the bathroom. Open that bathroom window. And let go.
Dude it was terrible. I could just imagine the egg custard pouring out. The worst part wasn't the diarrhea. It was the sporadic moments of blasting gas. If I had to make a chart of some sort..
DIA, DIA, DIA... GAS, GAS, DIA, GAS, DIA, DIA, . ...... . GAS! dia...
Oh my, I had to wake her up with all that blasting..
Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.
Just to make sure the stomach ache has subsided I sat on her computer for another 45 minutes or so talking with Lance Easton.
Got on my bike at 4 am and rode home in the rain. ... . That was a little uncomfortable..
Japan... your food has defeated me.
Friday, May 1, 2009
What was that?
err... Bodily waste..
Yeah yeah, that's urine. Why are you asking me about that?
Tuh stewdents arr lurning about yerrrinnn
Oh great. That's really neat.
I mean usually have a hard time understanding everyone while they try to speak English, but this one was awesome. I couldn't believe she was trying to say "Urine." What's better is when I'm trying to verify what she said.
Like, going to the bathroom...
Hai Hai Hai
There's so many moments when I'm sure they have no clue what's going on and they nod. What's worrisome is I'm sure I do the exact same thing.
I could say anything right now, like "You want my American balls on your face,"
"Hai Hai, hmm hmm"
I wonder if they do the same thing..
I could say anything right now like "You want my Jap-o balls on your face."
"Yeah I do because I love balls on my face"
"HAHA yeewww so gay!"
Oh what the fuck.
If I'm not having diarrhea at a girls house at 3 in the morning, I'm getting balls on my face from some high school brat.
-don't worry I'll write about the diarrhea at the girls house later.
Oh man and Japanese Schools!! What a fucking joke!! I seriously can 't get into that right now. It's 11:10 pm on a friday night, and i'm about to go to sleep because I'm fucking sick.
It's great being sick right now btw.
"Giunta sensei?! Yeww don'ta looka too gooda"
"Yah I'm fucking sick"
"You are froma Califourna?.. that is a close to a Mexico? Maybe you have the swine?"
"Yah maybe I do, maybe you should send me home early for once.."
I don't know what it is about the Japanese and not wanting to take a day off EVER! They won't do it! They think they can magically heal from green tea, ginger, and wearing this shit...
This will not save you...and no I will not wear one.
Okay That was just a bit of a rant, I hope everyone has a great weekend. And for those in Japan I hope you have a good Golden Week. I'm fucking broke and sick so I'll be here at the apartment playing with my tambourine and listening to the new records I bought from the recycle store. More on that later.