Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 3

Generosity Killed the Gaijin

Yo, this is a substance post so I'm sorry for all those that wanted me to talk about mindless poop jokes and vagina monologues.

By the title one should be able to figure out this post is about generosity. I was originally going to award this point to me, for being so damn charming. But let's face it, it's the Japaneses generosity that deserves the credit. This charm did absolutely nothing for me in the states, and it sure has hell doesn't work here either.


I could list a bunch of times the Japanese have offered services to help me but I'll give you the top 3 moments that have really left in impact on me.


This takes a little to explain so I hope you'll bear with me.

About three weeks ago I was carrying a large paper bag of tomatoes (you'll find out about those later) to the train station. I was planning on using the tomatoes to help make fish tacos. The tomatoes broke through the bottom of the paper bag and went all over the concrete. My neighbor was outside, ran inside grabbed a few plastic bags and helped me pick up about 20 tomatoes, then gave me two Mikans (oranges) just for shits.

The following day I took her some Hershey's chocolate just to say thank you..

Two nights later I'm walking around with my buddy Jason and she must've heard two loud white guys walking around cause she ran outside with a bag of plums.


Thanks lady...

This is the best though...

Its really effing humid here, I sweat all the time, I come out of the shower and I'm never dry. It goes from dripping shower water right to sweat.

So I sit in my guitar chair playing guitar in my underwear with the window open hoping to catch a breeze.. when something in the corner of my eye catches my attention.

"Holy shit you scared the shit outta me lady.."
"Chotto Matte.."

She comes back with a bag fool of vegetables. Then asks me what schools I work for etc. Really nice lady, but damn how did she know which window was mine! Crazy!!


Do you like fishing?

Yah I like fishing man, I'm not great at it or anything but I enjoy it. I might (most likely) vomit on your boat, but after that I'll be great!

One of the teachers at my school has been featured in magazines for fishing. I guess he's a big deal. Anyway he invited me to go fishing with him on his boat.. how could I refuse?

Gives me a ride home, gives me about 20 tomatoes from his garden, I change, we go to dinner, he picks up the bill, what a gentleman, takes me to the boat and we set out into the Pacific Ocean towards China. Fucking China dude. Where the fuck am I living!?

Oh btw, this is night fishing.. apparently there's this fish he really enjoyes catching and it's only at night or whatever. So here I am on this boat in an ocean thats preparing for the perfect storm. Man I feel sea sick. Whatever fuck it.

God I'm retarded

We get to catching some fish after about 45 minutes.

Ugly mother fuckers. We caught a decent amount then it was time to gut and get them ready for tomorrow nights dinner.

Thanks for that fish brother... Oishikata. Or something like that.


I joined a basketball club. Got me working out twice a week every week. The guys are all real nice and pretty well skilled for the most part. Anyway..

I've only been going for a week.

This one guy offers me a ride home so I don't have to take the train, sure why not.
We get into the car, and he's trying to communicate with me the best he can. We struggle with each others mutual broken language barrier. But we manage to get this out..

"Do you watch movies?"
"Yes I watch movies"
"Japanese or English?"
"English dude, I don't know Japanese"
"Hm hm hm... Adult movies?"
WTF!? Like rated R movies?!
"Yeah man, Terminator is pretty good..."
"No no... hmm (he gets out his phone.. it has an English translator on it, shows me the phone) 'Pink Movies'"
"Uhhh... yeah dude, I guess so man.. a little bit"
"Chotto matte"

He drives to his house, goes upstairs, comes back downstairs, jumps into the car, and throws this shit on my lap.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Time out (20 second) Back to Back!!!

Sorry for the back to back time outs (what a pussy coach)

This had to be brought up before I actually make a meaningful post.

9:45 am - Sitting at my desk staring off into the wall. Out of the corner of my eye I see Iwasaki walking toward the copy room.
This is my chance!
I get up and walk over to copy room with some miscellaneous piece of shit paper.
"Hey how's it going?"
"hm hm okay. ehh how are you?"
"Pretty good, hey what are you doing this weekend? Like this Saturday?"
"Hmm... Saturday? .. Hmmmm mmm I don't know, why, why do you ask?"
"Well there's this bar-b-que going on this Saturday. And the last time I went I was able to con japanese girls to play spin the bottle and kiss me on the mouth. I figured if you went I might be able to sway you to do the same."
"Oh? Are there a lot of people going?"
"Yeah there should be. My friends are going, you can bring your friends. HEY! Bring that friend of yours that passed out at dinner the other night. She sounds like a lot of fun.

"I'll have to check my schedule, and get back to you."

*she walks out*

What the fuck just happened?
"I have to check my schedule?" Who the fuck taught her that shit? Where does she learn this English? Soap Operas? I'm flabbergasted.

10:00 am - Staring back at the wall.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Time out (20 second)

There's this girl named Aoi (owww eee) and she's probably the nicest girl at my school. She always goes out of her way to say hi and ask how I'm doing etc. etc. She's one of the few people that actually try hard to speak English to me. So I appreciate it. One day while waiting for the bus I ran into her (yes I live in a small town). She was going into the restaurant where she works. She introduced me to the owner and a few workers. I told them I would come in eventually.

Well that time had come.

My friend Jason's cousin came into Japan to visit and I thought it would be a good idea for the three of us go to the Yaki Niku restaurant.

We get there, and there isn't a soul in the restaurant.

"This is a bad sign"

Anyway this story isn't about some shitty meat restaurant.

While at dinner Jason goes ahead and informs Aoi that I love her. Aoi has a boyfriend. Aoi doesn't care. I do. I swear I do. Well it doesn't even cross my mind. Eff OFF.

Anyway... the owner gave us free beer etc, they love the white men.

School today, I'm confronted by Aoi in the hallway, She's being her charming self as usual.. I see the boyfriend pass by... he gives me a dirty Japanese Samurai Kamikaze look. Fucker.

Later in the day, around 5th period, I'm confronted by the boyfriend in the hall!!

"How are you"
Deep stare
"What the fuck are you saying?"
"Rival, you are my rival."

Holy shit kid. Calm down. I don't want your girlfriend.

At least not for another 8 months I don't


Monday, June 15, 2009

Japan 6 - Nick 3

They All Look The Same

Man what a weird day...

*Wake up..*

Oh man, how come my alarm hasn't gone off yet? Hmm.. I wonder what time it is.. probably like 6 am..

*looks at clock*


what? That can't be right


Wait a minute


Holy fuck I've completely missed the train...

I hit a moment of clarity. I wasn't in any hurry. I walked down my ladder from my loft had a banana.. checked the train schedule, saw that the next one wasn't for about 40 minutes. Took my time getting ready, emailed my teacher telling her I would be late. Went to a bakery for some juice and a pastry, hung out, listened to some tunes.

I eventually got to school around 10 am. LOL. Everyone was real cool about it, accept for the vice principal (Kyoto Sensei). Well he was cool with me being late, but he wasn't cool with the facial hair I was sporting - So I've been trying to sneak in a beard, so the fuck what man? Just because you can't grow one. Anyway.. Guess I better go to the store and buy a beard trimmer after work.

I had no classes today. Zero!

I spent most of the day reading World War Z and writing love letters to Iwasaki.

There's a great Claremont shout out in this book.

Come the end of the day I'm gearing up to ditch work early when my love approaches me.

"Giunta Sensei, Semimaassseeennnn?"
"You're beautiful"
"I got you something, it's like a souveneir, I got in Kyoto."

It's upside down, sorry...

"It's a bunny and a Cherry blossom."
"Let's get married."

Fuck man I need to pull the trigger. The cookie was really hard to get open.

After work I take a quick shower to rinse off all the dry sweat that's accumulated on my hairy body from the fucking humidity in this country.

I start to bike ride up to a super market. I start looking around at all the shavers and beard trimmers. There was no lone beard trimmer, so I had to get an electric shaver with the trimmer attachement, damn thing cost me 50 bucks. It's an investment I tell myself (Whatever that means). I get to the counter and the cute cashier chick is looking at me weird... she keeps looking and smiling,.. looking... look away.. look back... smile.. look away...

"uhh hi"
"We uhh we meto on Saturday.."
"We did!? uhh uhh where?!"
"Shirahama beach."
"I think you got the wrong white person.."
She laughs
I give her my phone number anyway.

-Thank you to the white person with a beard that prepped this girl for me...

Anyway. That was my day, tomorrow should be good. If I can wake up on time..

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Japan 6 - Nick 2

It's Spreading...


Today we will be learning about California, children.
The kids eat this shit up.

But that's not the real story, the real story is what one kid had to say to me before the video started.

"Yes you have a question?"

"Do...do. do you like... doyoulike Iwasaki Sensei?"



***Iwasaki Sensei laughs it off...***

Go ahead and laugh... LAUGH IT UP!! GO AHEAD AND LAUGH IT UP!!!... but you're gorgeous I can't help myself.

This is the second kid who's called me out. Not a big deal right? Kids can see right through me, that's fine, just as long as she has no idea.


Then tonight... Sunday night... Phone rings...

"Moshi Moshi"
"Giunta Sensei, it's Shoe."
"Hey Shoe what's up?
"You have been acting weird around the office..."
"I have? I'm sorry, is it the beard I'm growing? I'll buy a trimmer and shave it off come next week. Look man, I'm really tired, the other school I teach at, the kids have nicknamed me Manco. Which means pussy in Japanese. I'm going through a bit of culture shock and homesickness but I'll be cool, don't worry man. I'll pull it together I swear. I'll start going to bed a little earlier, eating a better breakfast and combing the hair. Or is it about how I leave hours on end to go to the bakery across the road. Look dude, I only have a few classes a day, the other hours I should be able to spend it however I like, so I go to the bakery for a cake or something. "
"Actually I was calling because I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time around Iwasaki Sensei..."
"Son of a bitch! You too? Is that obvious?! Jesus..."
"Yes I think maybe you love her, but she does not notice you"
"Yeah that's pretty accurate Shoe, and good English."


Now other teachers are starting to notice how much I dig this teacher.

I guess there's only one thing left to do, and that's invite her over to my shit-hole apartment to watch a movie she won't understand....

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Time out (20 second)


Sorry I've been neglected the blog the past week. I guess I've been busy.. or pretending to be, or telling myself I am.. whatever I am, I am what I am.

Here's a short update for my loyal fans..

-I went kayaking on Saturday, I'm burnt to a crisp.

-I finished reading Heart of Darkness, probably the wrong book to read in complete solitude

- I got an HJ at a bar from a bartender, while she was working.

- I am called "Cola-san" at one bar I go to because I get Coca Cola every time I go.

- I went night fishing last night, got sea sick, cooked the fish tonight.

- Sea sick while I woke up this morning, was told by multiple faculty members including the vice principal, that I looked terrible.

- Year book pictures were today.

- Tried to sing Country Roads with one of my classes, turned out to be a (shitty) solo performance.

- The teacher I have a crush on gives me candy after school sometimes...

- Thought I saw a hicky on the neck of the teacher I have a crush on (sadness).

- Haven't masturbated in over 2 weeks.

- Haven't cleaned my bathroom in 2 weeks...

- My foot is covered with mosquito bites. COVERED.

- I spend about a solid 3 hours working everyday.

- I spend about a solid 4 hours a day reading or researching grad school.

- I haven't had a solid poop in a week.

- Solid

Monday, June 1, 2009

Japan 5 - Nick 2

Ask me a Question, in English, you smart ass…

I worked along side of the teacher I (mentally) make out with today. Oh Iwasaki Sensei, you’re so hot..

As part of my introduction to a class I pass around small pieces of paper and ask the students to please write a question in English. No name is necessary, just a question, anything you want to ask: How old are you? Do you have a girlfriend? When was the last time you washed that shirt? Anything is okay, as long as it’s in English… I haven’t washed this shirt since I’ve been here.

I get a lot of the same questions. Here they are in rank of questions asked. (I’ll save the trouble of deciphering broken English, so I’ll do it for you)

5. How tall are you?

4. What sport do you like?

3. What Japanese food do you like?

2. Do you have a girlfriend?

1. How old are you?

Everyone here thinks I’m 35. I could be because I’m becoming increasingly out of shape, and don’t shave. Or maybe it’s because no one in this country looks a day older then 14.

Sadly the bell rang and I was not able to go through all of the questions, but I do find them really entertaining, so I brought them back to the office to go through them.

How old are you?

What food do you like Japanese?

What sport the best?



Then this gem..

!!! What the hell!?

Do I like the English teacher!? Is it that obvious that a 15 year old Japanese boy can see right through me!? AH God I’m transparent!

That smart ass..

Yes I like your English teacher, she’s fucking sexy. Do you see what she wears to school?

Hotsu Hotsu. I know you’re thinking it too man. I know it!

Got a few other good ones as well..

Do you play sex?

Hmm.. I'm not sure what you mean by this kid. Does "play sex," mean do I masturbate habitually in front of the computer watching hentai pornography sent to me by Michael Lu? Then the answer is yes. If your question is referencing if I "Have sex," then the answer is an emphatic no. I have found that the penis is somewhat like a car battery, you don't use for it a while and it just doesn't know how to start up anymore. Oh well, at least I can still pee out of it.

Then the worst question of all... . . .

Nicolas cage is your friend?...

To be continued...