Thursday, March 26, 2009

Drug Tests 1 - Norcal 0

I'm thinking about putting water up my Urethra..
I literally almost threw up my rice and beef curry.

Fuckin Norcal!

As soon as I heard he was from "Jefferson" northern California I thought "Don't do it Nick, don't assume he's a pothead. Not everyone from NorCal likes weed.."

--"Fuck man I shouldn't have smoked before I came here, what if they send me home? What should I do? I've been reading some stuff on the internet..."

The poor guy was freaking out about his drug test. "They never said anything about a drug test man... I'm thinking about drinking a hella alot of cranberry juice and working out to sweat it out.. I've also heard you can put water up your urethra and piss it out."

Jesus Christ buddy.

For those of you that don't know what the urethra is here's a little picture

Talk about desperate! Putting water up your pee hole!

Dear people from Northern California. Next time you plan on telling someone about your desperation acts of 'dick pumping' please keep them away from my beef curry.

For this you lose

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Japan 1 - Nick 0

Son of a bitch!!

I didn't even get off the airplane and I have an e-mail address from a Japanese woman! Hell yes I took a picture! How can you blame me?
So what if she has 4 kids back in San Diego, spoke VERY poor English, and is coming to Japan for the soul purpose to sign divorce papers... I'm a gaijin who hasn't even touched DOWN on the SOIL of Japan but I'm already getting it done. Hot damn!

And she was so sweet.. it was as if a Churro and Funnel cake made romance in a park...

...By the hand she helped me fill out all my paper work at customs.

Told me to e-mail her so she could help me around Tokyo... God Damn you Japanese girls!

Rivers was right


First thing I did when I got to the hotel room?

For those of you that know me well this shouldn't come to any real surprise-I took a giant dump.
BUT HARK! To my delight, what do I find? A mythical device I've only heard about in stories from the Orient... A BIDET!

Good heavens, the Toilets in Japan do things to me Loved ones wouldn't!

I've never felt more cleansed and accomplished.


Japan wins.
Japan 1 - Nick 0