Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Time Out (20 Second)

Halloween Revisited

This is probably the best picture of my trip you will see.
I'm dressed as a horse with a suit on dancing with some chick on a stage.

A few things to take from this picture:

- I can't see a thing. I had no idea who I was dancing with. I knew it was a girl from using my hands, but I never got a glimpse of her face. I had to ask my friends if she was hot or not. How embarrassing. She asked me to take the mask off... I told her "HERRRHHHAAAHHAA," (that was suppsosed to be a horse voice). I answered everyones questions in horse noises.I never took off the mask.
This is the first time I saw what that girl looked like.

- There's a sing on the side of the wall: "Ladies Only On The Stage." Well sir, I'm a horse.

- Michael Jackson was a very popular costume this year, as I'm sure it was back in the states. I'm not sure if that MJ was either a man or a woman. Which I guess means it was an authentic costume.

- The most annoying part of the night: Countless British and Australian men asking me, " Aye dare mate, you're a horse. A HORSE! Butttt zzzer real question is... Are you hung , are you hung like a horse!1!"
Awful, everyone is piss drunk so they fucking say the same thing to you 3 times a night.

- There's a drink in my hand. It's water.

I hope everyone has a nice thanksgiving!
- oh, except for you Amit Patel. I hope your Thanksgiving sucks, thanks for the land.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Time Out (20 second)


Thought I would give you guys a little update before I head out onto the weekend.

I went ahead and took my first paid vacation day, and I'm headed to Kobe in about 30 minutes.
I'm gana try some of that world famous Kobe beef (like a burger not the curtains), and look at some other attractions.

What else... I found out that Iwasaki Sensei really likes Orlando Bloom.
That's GREAT!
Now I have something to model myself after. All I have to do is lose about 90 lbs, have ugly facial hair and grow a vagina.

One my other teachers who is interested in English appraoches me with Mariah Carey lyrics.
What does it mean to be "All up in the..."
Er this is hard to explain, when did Mariah get so Ghetto?

This has been the first time since I left America where I actually really wanted to play a video game. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 just came out and it's broken all kinds of records. Highest entertainment launch in history! Including books, and movies alike, that's insane. Makes me wonder two things... how far video games have come as a median of entertainment... and how fucking lazy are we?

Alright that's about it really... I'm headed to Kobe here in about 20 minutes.

Sorry for the lack of updates. As some of you may know, I'm preparing for grad school, so I've been spending a lot of time in front of the computer writing up letters of intent and doing a ton of a research. So anytime I don't need to be in front of the computer, you can bet I'm not. I'm out hitting convenient stores like any other Japanese in this country.


I started to watch the show 24... bad idea..

Okay really this is the last thing: My ass is doing fine, thank you to everyone who wrote letters of encouragement, I'll be fine! Thanks for looking out for my ass..


Monday, November 16, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 7

To The Hospital

I won't say exactly what it was that forced me to go to the Doctor's office, just know that it's nothing serious. Ladies, don't worry it's nothing serious.

But here it goes:

I contacted my Doctor in the states and told him my situation and he told me it was time to go to see a Doctor in Japan.

God damn, remember how I've been saying my town is nothing but old people. The hospital was fucking PACKED! There were old people every where laying around, some were missing limbs, it was wild. I had to be the youngest person in there by 40 years.

My teacher came with me and helped translate with the Dr. Then it was the moment of truth. My teacher stepped out of the room and the Dr made me get on a table, get on my forearms and my knees and bend over... If you're having a hard time imagining this, here's a picture I drew.

This was one of the most embarrassing moments of my whole fucking life.

The first thing I did when bent over with my pants pulled down was apologize to every girlfriend I've ever had. This is the most uncomfortable position in the world. I couldn't fucking relax, I was so tense. I kept flexing my butt cheeks!

There are no ROOMS! The only thing between me and the waiting room was a fucking curtain. Nurses and patients were walking by and having a nice giggle. Absolutely no privacy.

Then the Dr asks my teacher to come and in and translate some. Holy God, now my teacher sees me bent over with my ass hanging upright in the air like some whore. It was awful, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, I just put my face in my forearms and waited for the whole ordeal to be over with.

Once it was over, I've never felt so violated in my life. I didn't want to sit down. I stood the rest of the time.

The best part of the visit though.. was it was completely free. The Dr. never took my insurance or anything. Apparently he houses some exchange students from time to time, and he feels sympathy for foreigners in this country. So he gave me some antibiotics and some steroids for free. Fucking sweet. I'm juicin.

Like I said Ladies, don't worry about me. I'll be good. Just give me a week or so to get back on my feet. Oh lord, who the hell am I kidding? Ladies didn't want me before, why the hell would they want me now that I have some bandage hanging from my ass...

God how has this trip come to this.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 8

Breaking and Entering

I found a new hobby of some sort...

All throughout my region are abandoned houses.

Why is that?

Well you see, there are nothing but old, half-crippled, fruit pickin' grandmas living around me. Their children go away to larger cities like Tokyo, or Osaka. Once the parents die, the kids may come down for funeral, but that's about it. The leave the house as is. They just board up the windows, and lock the doors. There is still a bunch of stuff inside the homes... as you'll see!

Random boxes filled with clothes moslty.

This is the kitchen. They still had bottles of sake laying around.


Man these scared me a little bit. Two human sized wooden crates. Fuck man, they coulda been coffins! Had to take a look inside and I found this!!...



Just kidding.. there was nothing but old blankets in those coffins...

but this is real...

I fucking stepped on a petrified cat. Who knows how long that thing has been dead. It was like kicking dry leaves. Sweet Jesus!

Monday, November 2, 2009

Halloween Special

Do The Japoknees Celebrate Halloween?


A lot of people have been asking me this so I thought I would take a minute and talk about my Halloween experience.

The Japanese have a unique way of celebrating Halloween.
Almost all cafes have some sort of Halloween decor, because it's "Cute." Anything that is cute in this country is put on a pedestal, but that's a different story.

The cafes have the normal stuff that we'd see in America. Jack-o-lanterns made of plastic, witches, ghosts. In essence, cafes look like elementary school classrooms.

There are a few costume parties for children, and the kids know the term "trick or treat," but don't be fooled, there is absolutely NO trick or treating. The Japanese basically do everything with Halloween except celebrate it.

What Did I do For Halloween?

I went to Osaka to visit my old friend Jason and attend a few clubs and costume parties.
Jason went as Ned Flanders.

We got to the club and we were an instant hit.

The biggest problem with my costume was that I couldn't fucking see! I was dancing with all these girls and had no idea who they were. I had to use my hands as my eyes. Most of them felt really hot. So I had to ask Jason, "Please tell me she was hot."
All the girls wanted to know who I was. "Take off your mask!" "Are you Japanese?"
Do I effin dance like I'm Japanese!? (Oh btw! The only people to dance worse then white men, or Japanese people).
I eventually took my costume to the bridge in Osaka and posted for a while. Japanese would come up with their camera and take a picture with me. Everyone said "thank you," how did they know I was white?!

Anyway, my Halloween was a lot of fun. I almost passed out twice because of how hot it gets in that fucking mask. The ladies were (felt) beautiful, and the times were good, real good.

Oh yah.. Here's my costume.
Ride it baby, ride it