Monday, July 27, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 4

" You know I read your blog right? Jesus, you're talking about your penis? I have to be honest, seems like your material has been lacking a little bit.."
- Yuen

"A penis blog? Are you serious? Running out of material?"
- Girl from West Virginia

"Dude thanks for writing about me and SpankWire"
- Jason

Well then, the people have spoken. No one likes talks about my penis, pubic hair, or lack of sex. Therefore I will go back to what made this blog so popular in the first place....

Toilets and poop jokes...

What do these three things have in common?

Answer: Streaks like you wouldn't believe.

It drags my poop down the drain, literally. My poop claws for dear life as the water mercilessly drags it to his doom (sometimes). Other, and less successful attempts just create a bowl of misery and mess. In other words, my toilet bowl looks like the Indy 500, a Jackson Pollock painting , or... the way a bowl of cereal looks after you leave it out for an afternoon, chunks of dry cereal plastered to the side of the bowl that are impossible to get off without a knife.. (you get the point)

That's right, I went from the Mecca of porcelain to this piece of shit.

A few tidbits from the picture you might enjoy:
The toilet paper I bought from my local market is absolutely terrible. It's thick newspaper.
There's a towel on the floor because as you can see I have 'wood' floors. And I'm too cheap to go buy proper bathroom mats so I just use a rag to wipe up any ricochet piss.
Above the toilet sink is a faucet. It's a little hard to see in the picture. After a flush, the water pours out of the faucet into the toilet sink. Apparently it's to wash your hands, then that dirty water goes into the sink, then into the toilet for a poop mattress. Pretty eco-friendly right? Well I don't give a shit. I want my bidet back!! The closest thing I have to a bidet is using that faucet to dampen some of my thick newspaper then go to work. But then I just get chunks of soggy tissue slopped in my ass waiting to dry.

On the brightside, this Japanese diet I'm on barely makes me poop. I think I average about 3 times a week. And they're not nearly as massive and destructive as back in the states. Take this as an example:

What do you think would do more damage coming out the back-side?



I miss you

For Christ's sake. Look at the size of that burger. You could blow an o-ring habitually shitting Red Robin.

I almost miss the days I would sit on the toilet for so long my legs would fall asleep, flush three times and be light headed afterward. Almost..

What I'm most afraid of is having a girl over and her using the toilet. I don't know what will creep her out the most: The chocolate swirl like streaks cutting across the bowl, the pee stained rag on the floor, or the fact I'm still on my first box of TP since I've moved here...

"My God, he doesn't shit? That must mean his ass is backed up with crap. I'm not going down on him, Lord no. I don't eat where I shit.. or he shits... Plus.. I heard his pubic hair is out of control."

Why do I get this point? Well I'm not sure why. Maybe Japan should have lost a point for giving me this shitty toilet, but instead I'll give myself the point for being "resilient," and calm during a time of trepidation.

I <3 my readers

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 3

Ode to My Penis

Oh penis, I'm sorry. I have forsaken you. I haven't forgotten. Please don't think I've abandoned. I've just been a tad bit busy I swear.

No you fucking retard, you should be GETTING busy, but instead you're too busy selling fish tacos, writing emails, blogs, and love letters to teachers that don't pay any attention to you. How would you like it, If I abandoned you? How would you like it if you woke up to take a piss, and instead of finding me there's just a slope of nothingness...

Hey hey ... I 'm sorry man. I've been trying, it's not easy out here in the country. There's more old people then young titties. And by tits, I mean like tit. So there's twice as many old people as a pair of breasts...

I get it! Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm getting no action what so ever. None. You hardly even touch me.. what happened to the days when you used to sit on me till I fell asleep, then I'd jerk you off.

The stranger! Yes I remember the stranger, and they were good to me. But like I said I've been a bit busy. Sometimes I don't have enough time to go on SpankWire (thanks Jason) and find me a good Jennifer Haze video.

And for Christ's sake give me a God Damn hair cut! I look like a god damn Chia Pet down here. I'm suffocating!

I'M SORRY! I just haven't found any reason to go down there and trim the hedges. If there's no visitors why should I clean the kitchen.. Know what I mean?

Ya, I knaw what ya mean,

Naw MEan!?



Love you

Love you

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Time Out (Full)

Michael Jackson is Dead

Thanks Kirk, you're right, I should talk about this.

Yeah It was a big deal here in Japan when the King pop died. Probably more so then America. And I say that because I feel that most Americans were under the impression that Michael was gone about 10 years ago. It seemed whenever he came up in the news it was because he was dangling children from windows, or from his cock.

I was told multiple times a day that, "Michael Jackson dead!"... and because I'm from California, where he resides, the Japanese thought maybe I had seen Jackson walking around or something...


All of my teachers started picking up this...

Man and look at that price! 20 bucks for this!

Just when I thought Jackson's death had blown over.. one of my teachers brings in the CD to my classroom, and plays a song.

The worst thing of all is that the Japanese don't even like good Michael Jackson.
I was kind of stoked to listen to Billie Jean, or Man in the Mirror, or THRILLER!! ... But instead I had to listen to "Change the world.... make it a better place..." What the fuck is that shit.

I think it's funny how some songs are super popular in this country.. Lisa Loeb was HUGE with her hit "Stay," (I love that jam btw) I think she continued her fame in Japan...


anyway back to Michael..

Thursday night basketball and I'm getting a ride home from porn master Martsu, and he throws on a DVD in his car.. At first I thought it was going to be "Anal Attack 6," but to my disappointment it was Michael Jackson's greatest music videos. I finally got to watch Thriller..

Ya know I got to hand it Michael, he knew what he was doing when he casted a shit load of zombies.
I wonder how many of those Zombies love to eat the cock.

Super Gay

Monday, July 13, 2009

Japanese Bugs 0 - American bugs 0

What Now Asshole!

I come home from work covered in sweat due to the sauna like humidity and what do I find?...

Guy was pretty big. maybe the size of my thumb or so.

Anyway I chased his ass down with a magazine that was sent from my aunt, missed, then the fucker went into my closet!

Jesus, now I'm covered in sweat cause I'm chasing a god damn cockaroach around my shitty apartment.

I had to drag all of my clothes out of the closet just to find the bugger.

You can actually see the rolled-up magazine and dead piece of shit near it. LOL.
Yeah I use old spice deodorant, so the fuck what?

Killed him son!

Dead mother fucker, it only took me about 30 minutes, my clothes, and a shit load of sweat.

On another sadder more depressing note:
I'm taking pictures of dead fucking bugs. Jesus Christ Nick, get your priorities straightened out. Where are the pictures of Japanese festivals, crazy hair, pigeon toed Japanese girls walking in high heels? Why are you wasting your time taking pictures of dead cockroaches. Fuck-n-a.

On an even SADDER note:
I told Iwasaki Sensei I loved her.. she said "Thanks.."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Time Out (20 second)

Japan doesn't carry Gel Shaving cream. And for someone as hairy as me, that's a fucking problem.... reminds me of a similar problem someone else used to have...

Monday, July 6, 2009

Japan 7 - Nick 4

I have some drugs if you want them..


It happened again.

I left the door open in an attempt to air out my apartment. But of course that didn't work, instead of releasing stale air, I let in a parade of mosquitoes. I had a hell of a time sleeping last night.

Every hour I woke up to an orchestra of humming in my ear. I turned on the light, grabbed a magazine and went to war for about 15 minutes every hour. Killed about 7 mosquitoes throughout the night. Some also got me, how do I know this? Because when I killed the sonofabitch I could see my fresh blood being smashed into the ceiling. Dicks. Beside killing the blood suckers I was also being haunted of dreams of my fish taco business (more on this later), heat, and Iwasaki Sensei. I fucking couldn't sleep!

Then it happened.


I didn't even bother looking twice. I picked up my phone and e-mailed one of my teachers. "Gooch, I'm running real late, I'm sorry."

Ate some cereal then rode my bike to the train station. The fucking trains here are so scarce that you miss one you won't receive another for at least one hour. I actually had to have my friend Jason drive me to school. Once I got to school, I was ready to face the music. I'm thinking they're going to fucking kill me. This piece of shit honkie has overslept twice in a month.

I'm greeted with a smile from a fellow teacher...
"Oh Nicholas Sensei, what happened?"
"Uhh, nothing. I just overslept."
"Oh, so so... Why?"
"Uh? I couldn't sleep the night before" (truth!)
"YEP! Anxiety, nervousness, maybe I'm homesick.."
"Oh, yes yes, I bet, please go talk with the Vice Principal."


"Good Morning Kyoto Sensei"
"Oh.. Nicholas.. Good Morning, you are late? Why?
"I couldn't sleep.."
"My goodness, yes you look tired." (May I remind all of you, I am reassured on a daily basis that I look tired and shitty in the morning)
"Yes I have trouble sleeping every so often" (truth!)
"Oh no.. why?"
"Oh you must be a little homesick"
"Yep" (Truth! - sort of)
"Please don't worry Nicholas, I won't tell your company you were late, it's okay. Our secret. I don't tell anyone."
"Oh my gosh, thank you very much! I will do my best and get some rest." (Lie)

Now I don't know if that was completely taking advantage of the situation or not, but it felt good.

I get back to my seat and start preparing lesson plans. Then I'm approached by 2 teachers and the Vice Principal.

"Uh, is this some sort of intervention?"
"Nicholas Sensei is tired.."
"Ohhhh so so so" (in unison)
"Ya.. don't worry about it, I'm going to start getting more rest. I'm really sorry about today."
"No no, don't worry about it. Everything is great, you just relax."
"Thanks...... guys?"

Go back to working on assignments. Then I get up to get my water.

"Hey Nicholas"
Holy shit! Jesus Christ...
"Kyoto Sensei.."
"I am thinking.."
"Have you talked to a doctor?"
"I have some drugs I can give you.."
-We take a several moments on me practicing the name of the medicine I can't even remember
"Uh. I think I am okay."
"Are you sure? I can help you.."
"I'm okay man, I really appreciate it though."

I go back to my desk, and after exhausting myself over one piece of shit worksheet I take out a book and begin to read. There's a hand on my shoulder..I turn around

"Kyoto Sensei, hello.."
"I think, that maybe you are tired."
"Yeah man, we've been over this"
"Ya know, I'm your boss."
"Yep I know.."
"If you have any requests.. you can ask me, ya know like anything. Any requests. Days off etc. We don't need your company.
"You are my boss, a very good boss, I love you."
"Good luck"

Man this day is working out better then I thought it would. I thought I was going to be royally fucked, but instead I'm being offered royalties! Drugs, requests, interventions. This is great.

At the end of the day I was tutoring one of Iwasaki Sensei's students for his College English Exam. And he said to me, "Shes rearry cute huh?"
"Woah kid, you're not telling me anything new, ya know the real reason why I couldn't sleep last night? It was because I was thinking about your teacher. All night I was fighting a massive hard on. Every time I rolled over in my sleep my dick would jam into the futon. I'd wake up in a bit of pain. Now today my bone throne is throbbing. Every throb is a reminder that yes, your teacher is rearry cute."

And btw, yes I gave this point to me, for once I think my charm did something positive.