Japan 4 - Nick -1

First Lesson

Noun

S: (n) culture shock (a condition of disorientation affecting someone who is suddenly exposed to an unfamiliar culture or way of life or set of attitudes"

- Definition according to Princeton.edu

“There will be times when you hate the Japanese. When everything and everyone around you will do nothing but make you angry. This is due to culture shock and/or being homesick.”

- Speaker during training

“My best advice to you would be: Don’t let this job get under your skin. The kids will not like you. They will not like your class. Most will completely ignore you and fall asleep."

- Julian Smith, ALT whose position I took over

“There were a few times where I.. I uh… I have blown up on people. Like the guy at the convenient store, he couldn’t understand me at all. ‘You’re a fucking retard!’ I screamed. I.. uh.. I was having a bad day”

- Sarah Boccaccio, Japanese English Teacher

None of that seemed relevant to me until today.

Today was to be my introduction day. A whole class devoted to me; anything and everything about me. I thought today would have been a breeze; juniors in high school taking oral composition. Children that have been learning English since the 1^st fucking grade. I walk into class with all my supplies, and greet them with a Seinfeld-esque “HEELLLOOO”

-Crickets..

“My name is Nick - o – las June-tah”

-Crickets die of famine

Jesus Christ throw me a bone. I immediately toss on some of my favorite music (The Chariot), and passed out pictures from back home. The children thought I was crazy for the music, but they absolutely loved the beard I had in my pictures. Maybe it’s due to the complete lack of facial hair in this country. I grow enough hair on my face to cover one Jap-o’s whole body. The kids must have been frightened – I don’t blame them.

After passing around pictures I tried to play a few guessing games.

Here’s the play by play…

“Alright, the rookie out of southern California steps up the plate. Nicholas ‘White Bread’ Giunta.”

“He seems confident Bob”

“Yes indeed Chip”

“What a fool”

“Yep”

“I hope he crash and burns”

“Yep”

God damn you Bob.

Every question I asked I got the same response.

I realize words are useless. Less talk more rock.

I split the kids into groups and ask them what they would like for team names. They all chose the names of Pokemon... I'm serious

Hey Pokemon are cool

Shut up Toby, Ramil, and Ryan.

Pikachu, Richu, and Pichu,

I mean, I know this is Japan and all, but you're fucking 17 years old. SEVENTEEN!!

Sing it Stevie!

Let me see.. what was I doing when I was seventeen? Oh yea.. I was putting lotion on my sore dick from all that dry sex I was having. Now granted dry sex is less comfortable then watching your mom open mouth kiss, it’s still better then thinking about Pokemon at school. Have you seen what Japanese girls wear to school?! How can you think about anything else? If a teacher asked for my team name I would probably respond with “The Up-Skirt Photo Team.”

Harooo

Now this is probably what bothers me the most about Japanese culture.

After the class, Sensei and I walked down to the teachers room together. He walked straight to another Japanese English teacher and began to talk in native tongue. I could tell that this was an intense conversation: "OH's.. HMMMM...O doko NOOO..."

So I do what any other honkie from the states would do after a rough moment at the office. Walk to the nearest grocery store and buy enough food to make the children of Ghana jealous. I almost lost my cool when the employee asked if I had a point card in Japanese. Do I look like I'd have a fucking point card? Does it look like I even belong in this God-forsaken country!?.. But instead I took my chicken, 8 rolls of tuna, and coke to a corner and cried while I ate.

Had to jump the fence in a suit to get back onto campus...

When I get back to school I approach the teacher that Sensei had spoken to. "Hey," I said, "I saw you talking with Nakamichi Sensei.. what did you guys talk about?"

"Oh... nuh ting"

"That's bullshit, I saw the two of you talking"

"Oh .. ya... iesha doko no..kana.. I very busy"

"Look god damnit, I don't know if you knew this or not, but in the states people talk behind each others back all the time. It's normal. But now you must reciprocate the action. I saw you and Sensei talk behind my back, now you make me promise not to tell him we spoke and all bases are covered."

". . . Doko no... *smile*"

FUCK

Everyone in this country talks shit behind your back. The difference between here in the states is they are good at keeping their mouths shut, despite how fucking obvious it is.

Good job Japan, you've kicked my ass.

PS. I wrote a majority of this blog at work after the fact. I hope to God I don't get caught or I might end up like Michael P. Fay (look it up you lazy fuck)