Japan 2 - Nick 0 (tie)

Hey Nick,
Please stop writing about toilets that squirt water up your bum, potheads and redneck girls. Give me some SUBSTANCE!

Alright alright, calm down ..

MY NEW PLACE!!

As I'm moving my futon up to the loft (to give myself more room downstairs) I did this...

Hey where's the fixture?
....
..
.
.



Ohhhhhhh...

GOD DAMMIT JAPAN!!!

It's just such a hassle because I just moved in, I don't have a broom or vacuum.
The bigger pain in the ass is the fact I'm not supposed to wear shoes in this place. Damn you Jap-o's (thanks Scotty)

Nick for Christ's sake stop fucking complaining!

Fine, fine, man you're acting up tonight..

This is a ten minute walk from my door



And this was my first cooked meal in Japan. Chicken dumplings, some type of raw fish (tasted like salmon?) soy sauce, and rice which was a little soggy.. YES!


Alright, alright, this is getting boring. Please tell me something gross ..

Ha I knew you'd fold! I can't seem to find a store that sells toilet paper...

West Virgina -99 California 0

Dear Meredith from West Virginia (or Pittsburgh, Ohio, North Carolina, DC... Where ever the hell you're from),

I don't care if you come from a state that doesn't matter...



I miss you. I do.. We've only known each other for a few weeks. But you must've seen me winking at you during training. YOU MUST HAVE! I made it so *bloody OBVIOUS! The way you looked in that business attire drove me nuts. Those tight button up shirts complimented well with pants that were sufficated your buttox. I'm pretty sure the second day of training I heard your butt talk to me..

"Get me the hell out of these pants Nick.. I beg you"

"Dude, I would love to, you look amazing, but she'll kill me"

"I won't tell her!!1 If you let me out I swear I won't tell her..."


A coquette from DubV who put me in place. ..

Please tell me you remember the night I tried to bitch and complain about how bad training sucks and all you did was tell me to change my tampon. That my life sucks because I suck AT life-It was at that moment when I knew I must have you. *Oh I think we'd have quite a good time together.

I tried to get close to you.. What were those magic words you shouted at me? ..
"I swear to fucking God if you try to touch me I'll punch you in the fucking face.."


I LOVE YOU

I want my tooth pick back

A cute blonde from a state that doesn't matter, who will punch me in the face but will look amazing while doing it... For this, West Virginia you get one point out of the negatives.

*Stupid phrases or words made famous by the British

Japan 2 - Nick 0

Bidet part II

Back by popular demand is another post about the refreshing Bidet.
I know what some of you are thinking, "Nick, for Christs sake, stop writing about water penetrating your ass."

I can't help it...


I guess I should start from the BEGINNING

...
..
.


I don't poop like I used to back home in the states. Now for those that know me well this must come as a surprise.
Japan is different, I'm not eating like I used to. No more grease induced food to slighter its way out my rectum (If you're not sure what a rectum is there is a diagram below)

Then Nick What are you eating!?


Simple sir, I took a picture for all of you to see ...





Alright so that's ramen, and it runs about 8 USD. Which is probably the cheapest meal you'll find.

So once eating out at ramen houses became a little too expensive I had to resort to a more rudimentary approach ...




Yeah that's me cooking 50 cent packages of Ramen in a tea kettle. I'M BROKE!!! (but that's a whole nother story)

Eating ramen noodles everyday does not make one take a proper dump.

Hey Nick! Why don't you eat some Good ol' Fashion American food!? That will surely make you take a nasty shit...

Correct Old friend! But let me remind you that the American food here is mimicked poorly and still tastes like shit.. Example below



A small box of KFC near 9 USD! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? 9 dollars for a colonic! I mean I need to poop, desperately, but I'm not about to spend 9 dollars on shitty imported chicken from the colonel. (Sorry Ramil)


So I did the logical thing and hit up ... McDonalds..


Which actually didn't taste that bad...

Then The Next Morning....

...
..
.

IT STRIKES!

One of the most awkward dumps I've ever takin in my life.

I reach over to my left for the bidet.. and it's different! I'm not used to this one. There's the button for the normal bidet. But there's a second button and it's in pink... I .. Can't... Read.. .


FRONT!!! IT SAYS FRONT!

Now I'm guessing the button was made for the ladies... But I had to try it myself.. when in Rome..

AMAZING!

Of course I made a diagram for all of you to see for yourselves. . .


Water sprays just around the chode area.. and if you lean forward enough it will tickle your balls.

Oh Japan, I know this may seem a little sudden, and forward but.. The last two weeks have been really special. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope this isn't just a fling, I want this to be real. I think you're great, I don't ever want to leave you.. I love you


Nicholas

Drug Tests 1 - Norcal 0

I'm thinking about putting water up my Urethra..
I literally almost threw up my rice and beef curry.

Fuckin Norcal!

As soon as I heard he was from "Jefferson" northern California I thought "Don't do it Nick, don't assume he's a pothead. Not everyone from NorCal likes weed.."
--"Fuck man I shouldn't have smoked before I came here, what if they send me home? What should I do? I've been reading some stuff on the internet..."

The poor guy was freaking out about his drug test. "They never said anything about a drug test man... I'm thinking about drinking a hella alot of cranberry juice and working out to sweat it out.. I've also heard you can put water up your urethra and piss it out."

Jesus Christ buddy.

For those of you that don't know what the urethra is here's a little picture



Talk about desperate! Putting water up your pee hole!

Dear people from Northern California. Next time you plan on telling someone about your desperation acts of 'dick pumping' please keep them away from my beef curry.

For this you lose

Japan 1 - Nick 0

Son of a bitch!!

I didn't even get off the airplane and I have an e-mail address from a Japanese woman! Hell yes I took a picture! How can you blame me?
So what if she has 4 kids back in San Diego, spoke VERY poor English, and is coming to Japan for the soul purpose to sign divorce papers... I'm a gaijin who hasn't even touched DOWN on the SOIL of Japan but I'm already getting it done. Hot damn!

And she was so sweet.. it was as if a Churro and Funnel cake made romance in a park...

...By the hand she helped me fill out all my paper work at customs.

Told me to e-mail her so she could help me around Tokyo... God Damn you Japanese girls!

Rivers was right

....





First thing I did when I got to the hotel room?

For those of you that know me well this shouldn't come to any real surprise-I took a giant dump.
BUT HARK! To my delight, what do I find? A mythical device I've only heard about in stories from the Orient... A BIDET!

Good heavens, the Toilets in Japan do things to me Loved ones wouldn't!

I've never felt more cleansed and accomplished.

A COUNTRY THAT WILL PAMPER YOUR ASS THEN LICK IT CLEAN?

Japan wins.
Japan 1 - Nick 0