Japan 7 - Nick 4

" You know I read your blog right? Jesus, you're talking about your penis? I have to be honest, seems like your material has been lacking a little bit.."
- Yuen

"A penis blog? Are you serious? Running out of material?"
- Girl from West Virginia

"Dude thanks for writing about me and SpankWire"
- Jason


Well then, the people have spoken. No one likes talks about my penis, pubic hair, or lack of sex. Therefore I will go back to what made this blog so popular in the first place....


Toilets and poop jokes...





What do these three things have in common?



Answer: Streaks like you wouldn't believe.

It drags my poop down the drain, literally. My poop claws for dear life as the water mercilessly drags it to his doom (sometimes). Other, and less successful attempts just create a bowl of misery and mess. In other words, my toilet bowl looks like the Indy 500, a Jackson Pollock painting , or... the way a bowl of cereal looks after you leave it out for an afternoon, chunks of dry cereal plastered to the side of the bowl that are impossible to get off without a knife.. (you get the point)




That's right, I went from the Mecca of porcelain to this piece of shit.

A few tidbits from the picture you might enjoy:
The toilet paper I bought from my local market is absolutely terrible. It's thick newspaper.
There's a towel on the floor because as you can see I have 'wood' floors. And I'm too cheap to go buy proper bathroom mats so I just use a rag to wipe up any ricochet piss.
Above the toilet sink is a faucet. It's a little hard to see in the picture. After a flush, the water pours out of the faucet into the toilet sink. Apparently it's to wash your hands, then that dirty water goes into the sink, then into the toilet for a poop mattress. Pretty eco-friendly right? Well I don't give a shit. I want my bidet back!! The closest thing I have to a bidet is using that faucet to dampen some of my thick newspaper then go to work. But then I just get chunks of soggy tissue slopped in my ass waiting to dry.

On the brightside, this Japanese diet I'm on barely makes me poop. I think I average about 3 times a week. And they're not nearly as massive and destructive as back in the states. Take this as an example:

What do you think would do more damage coming out the back-side?

Sushi

or...

I miss you

For Christ's sake. Look at the size of that burger. You could blow an o-ring habitually shitting Red Robin.

I almost miss the days I would sit on the toilet for so long my legs would fall asleep, flush three times and be light headed afterward. Almost..


What I'm most afraid of is having a girl over and her using the toilet. I don't know what will creep her out the most: The chocolate swirl like streaks cutting across the bowl, the pee stained rag on the floor, or the fact I'm still on my first box of TP since I've moved here...

"My God, he doesn't shit? That must mean his ass is backed up with crap. I'm not going down on him, Lord no. I don't eat where I shit.. or he shits... Plus.. I heard his pubic hair is out of control."



Why do I get this point? Well I'm not sure why. Maybe Japan should have lost a point for giving me this shitty toilet, but instead I'll give myself the point for being "resilient," and calm during a time of trepidation.

I <3 my readers