Summer Stories

"When do we get the blog "The Guinta Men in Japan?" Actually, I'm pretty happy that you haven't been updating, because it actually means you were out doing shit. I look forward to NOT hearing from you more often."

- Facebook message from Toby (And I don't mind that fact that he misspelled my last name AT ALL, even though it's on my god damn facebook profile.)




He's right, holy shit. After being chained to a desk forced to create English games for teenage Japanese that don't give a shit about me, it felt good to get out.

The last time I left you I mentioned that I climbed Fuji with a few friends of mine, lets move on.
The real fun began a few nights later when we discovered a Rock venue called Kazoo right across the street from the apartment. Couple of the dudes out front invited us to the shows that night, "Tonight... eto neh.... 1500 yen... drink drink, rock music."
Good English amigos, we'll see you tonight. And good thing we did!

The bands were all very polished, I was impressed. A lot of them sounded alike, but that's okay too. It was roots man. They all sounded like Rancid, NOFX, the Bled, CodeSeven (I wish), and so on.
The atmosphere was great (Toby is probably the only person who cares about this) but the way the crowd reacted to these local bands was fantastic. Fist pumping, moshing, crowd surfing, stage diving. No security guards. This shit would have never gone down in the states. The kids are too spoiled in America. We could learn from the Japanese about how to support these up and comers.

At one point between sets, on of the band members pulled me on stage and started to ask me questions, where am I from, where do I work? Do I enjoy this music.

But it got real good when they pulled my Kiwi friend Ben on stage.

Sorry I forgot to bring my camera to this.

HAHAAHAHA. "Do you want to fuck all these girls?"
"Just one please."
How classic, poor drunk Kiwi. NO girl would talk to him the rest of the night.

Made some great friends that night. Its great how music can stretch across the globe and bring people together like that. I'm really glad we found that club that night.

AFTERWARD...

What happens when a Kiwi and a Scott get too much to drink?

Apparently they talk about the Lion King while falling asleep..







"Aww such a good film"

Me and the Kiwi had such a good time at the club we went back the following night to see what band was playing...

With a name like that, who the fuck could pass that up.

The band came out dressed in Kimonos, pink tights, and top hats.



Good act, good funky indie type of music that's mega popular right now. If I had to compare them to something I would say, Yeah Yeah Yeahs meets Deerhoof and drugs.

OH! And to top it off they had a chick drummer that could absolutely thrash.

You can check them out yourself!



ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE NOTION

FUCK JETS


Hey bro. Jets are an engineering masterpiece that deserve respect and your accolade. If it weren't for Boeing and other great jetliner manufacturers YOU wouldn't even be in Japan.

Wrong Jet asshole

I'm talking about Japanese English Teachers! My gripe with JETs is that they have their own little JET clique and they don't bother talking to other foreigners. They go to their JET events where white girls throw their vagina like confetti and walk around like their shit is real thick! (More on that later) My poor friend Shaheen up near Fuji has had some rough run ins, so I took the liberty to let them know what the fuck.

ME: Hey guys whats up?
Nerds: Oh hey... uh... hi?
ME: You guys aren't JETs are you?
Nerds: Ya how'd you know that?
ME: Well the JETs I've came across are complete douche bags
Nerds: Oh...
ME: Maybe you guys should start being a little cooler no? Well I'd love to sit here and chat but I have to go wait for my train.

Couple Nights Later

Me, Ben, and Shaheen are at a Gaijin bar kickin back before our night bus shows up.. and who walks through the door.. another gaijin..
He's walking awkwardly and has a weird look on his face, he's unsure of his surroundings but confident in his nerdo ability (JET).

Nerd: Hey Guys
ME: Hey man how's it going
Nerd: uh nothing...
ME: Oh man, you're a JET aren't you?
Nerd: Ya...how'd you know that
ME: Intuition, well as long as there's only one of you
Nerd: All the new recruits are on their way, there should be like 22 of us here in a little bit

In they come...

Fuckn Hell

Nerd:Well look who it is, I can't forget that face.
ME: Well Well...
Nerd: What are you doing here?
ME: Look man, it's time to break the stereotype.
Nerd: What stereotype is that? That we're douche bags?
ME: Yep, Bean, I think it's time we leave.

EXIT

... till the next summer story.

Japan 7 - Nick 5

Fuji - San

Dude, So this is going to be a bit scrambled and messy. Sorry, I'm writing this in a hurry.

I climbed Fuji last week and it was pretty wild. I couldn't tell you the exact height or anything like that, sorry I don't pay attention to such trivial bullshit. But what I can tell you, is that the fucking mountain charges you to take a shit.

How brutal is that?

Okay but this post isn't about poop believe it or not, i'll move on.

It took about 8 hours or so to climb it. We climbed till about 9 pm, then we went into a hut and rested until about 1 am.

Heres a picture of inside the hut.
The two honkies are my friends, and the asian dude in the back is not. In fact, you pay about 75 dollars to rest here, and you sleep shoulder to shoulder with other people. I slept next to some old Japanese lady who snored.

We got up around 1 am and started to hike again. Come around 2 am and people started to fall over and suck on oxygen tanks. My Kiwi buddy Ben (Bean) got a little altitude sickness and started to puke everywhere.

I couldn't get a picture of him puking so I thought this picture of him drinking water would do.

We arrived near the top of Fuji around 3 am. It was cold, we laid on the ground and snuggled.

What else did I find at the top of the legendary mountain?


Fucking vending machines.

Anyway, Yeah I conquered that mountain. Done it son. Here's a little victory pose for you.

Yeah that's dribble in my pants, so what!?

LOL.

Anyway, I'm heading out for another week or so traveling so I won't be able to update this for a while. But once I get back there should be some long nice updates of shit you guys might actually like to read about other then my toilet, and bowel obstruction.

Love you guys

Time Out (20 second)

Fuck you Fuji-San

Prepare to be mounted.

Japan 7 - Nick 4

" You know I read your blog right? Jesus, you're talking about your penis? I have to be honest, seems like your material has been lacking a little bit.."
- Yuen

"A penis blog? Are you serious? Running out of material?"
- Girl from West Virginia

"Dude thanks for writing about me and SpankWire"
- Jason


Well then, the people have spoken. No one likes talks about my penis, pubic hair, or lack of sex. Therefore I will go back to what made this blog so popular in the first place....


Toilets and poop jokes...





What do these three things have in common?



Answer: Streaks like you wouldn't believe.

It drags my poop down the drain, literally. My poop claws for dear life as the water mercilessly drags it to his doom (sometimes). Other, and less successful attempts just create a bowl of misery and mess. In other words, my toilet bowl looks like the Indy 500, a Jackson Pollock painting , or... the way a bowl of cereal looks after you leave it out for an afternoon, chunks of dry cereal plastered to the side of the bowl that are impossible to get off without a knife.. (you get the point)




That's right, I went from the Mecca of porcelain to this piece of shit.

A few tidbits from the picture you might enjoy:
The toilet paper I bought from my local market is absolutely terrible. It's thick newspaper.
There's a towel on the floor because as you can see I have 'wood' floors. And I'm too cheap to go buy proper bathroom mats so I just use a rag to wipe up any ricochet piss.
Above the toilet sink is a faucet. It's a little hard to see in the picture. After a flush, the water pours out of the faucet into the toilet sink. Apparently it's to wash your hands, then that dirty water goes into the sink, then into the toilet for a poop mattress. Pretty eco-friendly right? Well I don't give a shit. I want my bidet back!! The closest thing I have to a bidet is using that faucet to dampen some of my thick newspaper then go to work. But then I just get chunks of soggy tissue slopped in my ass waiting to dry.

On the brightside, this Japanese diet I'm on barely makes me poop. I think I average about 3 times a week. And they're not nearly as massive and destructive as back in the states. Take this as an example:

What do you think would do more damage coming out the back-side?

Sushi

or...

I miss you

For Christ's sake. Look at the size of that burger. You could blow an o-ring habitually shitting Red Robin.

I almost miss the days I would sit on the toilet for so long my legs would fall asleep, flush three times and be light headed afterward. Almost..


What I'm most afraid of is having a girl over and her using the toilet. I don't know what will creep her out the most: The chocolate swirl like streaks cutting across the bowl, the pee stained rag on the floor, or the fact I'm still on my first box of TP since I've moved here...

"My God, he doesn't shit? That must mean his ass is backed up with crap. I'm not going down on him, Lord no. I don't eat where I shit.. or he shits... Plus.. I heard his pubic hair is out of control."



Why do I get this point? Well I'm not sure why. Maybe Japan should have lost a point for giving me this shitty toilet, but instead I'll give myself the point for being "resilient," and calm during a time of trepidation.

I <3 my readers

Japan 7 - Nick 3

Ode to My Penis

Oh penis, I'm sorry. I have forsaken you. I haven't forgotten. Please don't think I've abandoned. I've just been a tad bit busy I swear.

No you fucking retard, you should be GETTING busy, but instead you're too busy selling fish tacos, writing emails, blogs, and love letters to teachers that don't pay any attention to you. How would you like it, If I abandoned you? How would you like it if you woke up to take a piss, and instead of finding me there's just a slope of nothingness...



Hey hey ... I 'm sorry man. I've been trying, it's not easy out here in the country. There's more old people then young titties. And by tits, I mean like tit. So there's twice as many old people as a pair of breasts...

I get it! Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm getting no action what so ever. None. You hardly even touch me.. what happened to the days when you used to sit on me till I fell asleep, then I'd jerk you off.

The stranger! Yes I remember the stranger, and they were good to me. But like I said I've been a bit busy. Sometimes I don't have enough time to go on SpankWire (thanks Jason) and find me a good Jennifer Haze video.

And for Christ's sake give me a God Damn hair cut! I look like a god damn Chia Pet down here. I'm suffocating!


I'M SORRY! I just haven't found any reason to go down there and trim the hedges. If there's no visitors why should I clean the kitchen.. Know what I mean?

Ya, I knaw what ya mean,

Naw MEan!?

word

WORD.

Love you

Love you

Time Out (Full)

Michael Jackson is Dead

Thanks Kirk, you're right, I should talk about this.

Yeah It was a big deal here in Japan when the King pop died. Probably more so then America. And I say that because I feel that most Americans were under the impression that Michael was gone about 10 years ago. It seemed whenever he came up in the news it was because he was dangling children from windows, or from his cock.

I was told multiple times a day that, "Michael Jackson dead!"... and because I'm from California, where he resides, the Japanese thought maybe I had seen Jackson walking around or something...

Anyway..

All of my teachers started picking up this...

Man and look at that price! 20 bucks for this!

Just when I thought Jackson's death had blown over.. one of my teachers brings in the CD to my classroom, and plays a song.

The worst thing of all is that the Japanese don't even like good Michael Jackson.
I was kind of stoked to listen to Billie Jean, or Man in the Mirror, or THRILLER!! ... But instead I had to listen to "Change the world.... make it a better place..." What the fuck is that shit.

I think it's funny how some songs are super popular in this country.. Lisa Loeb was HUGE with her hit "Stay," (I love that jam btw) I think she continued her fame in Japan...




weird...

anyway back to Michael..

Thursday night basketball and I'm getting a ride home from porn master Martsu, and he throws on a DVD in his car.. At first I thought it was going to be "Anal Attack 6," but to my disappointment it was Michael Jackson's greatest music videos. I finally got to watch Thriller..

Ya know I got to hand it Michael, he knew what he was doing when he casted a shit load of zombies.
I wonder how many of those Zombies love to eat the cock.

Super Gay

Japanese Bugs 0 - American bugs 0

What Now Asshole!

I come home from work covered in sweat due to the sauna like humidity and what do I find?...


Guy was pretty big. maybe the size of my thumb or so.

Anyway I chased his ass down with a magazine that was sent from my aunt, missed, then the fucker went into my closet!

Jesus, now I'm covered in sweat cause I'm chasing a god damn cockaroach around my shitty apartment.

I had to drag all of my clothes out of the closet just to find the bugger.

You can actually see the rolled-up magazine and dead piece of shit near it. LOL.
Yeah I use old spice deodorant, so the fuck what?

Killed him son!


Dead mother fucker, it only took me about 30 minutes, my clothes, and a shit load of sweat.

On another sadder more depressing note:
I'm taking pictures of dead fucking bugs. Jesus Christ Nick, get your priorities straightened out. Where are the pictures of Japanese festivals, crazy hair, pigeon toed Japanese girls walking in high heels? Why are you wasting your time taking pictures of dead cockroaches. Fuck-n-a.

On an even SADDER note:
I told Iwasaki Sensei I loved her.. she said "Thanks.."