White Man in Japan

HOW IN THE WORLD

2011-05-18T23:30:00.000-07:00

So,

I've been back in the states for over a year now, and I checked to see if this blog was getting any action.

I have over 5000 hits and about 500 views just last month. What the heck is going on?

How are people still reading this? Its wild.

Maybe I should move back to Japan.

Or move to downtown los Angeles and be White man in LA

I HAVE A NEW BLOG

2010-07-25T14:12:00.001-07:00

TO EVERYONE THAT HAS BEEN FOLLOWING ME FROM MY DAYS IN JAPAN COMES A NEW BLOG.

ENJOY

http://amigoingtohell.tumblr.com/

Victory

2010-03-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

It's All Over, It's All OVER!!!

Let me point a few things in this picture.

On the far right is the Coke can that has been laughing at me for months. As I was leaving the office today for the last time, I said screw it dude. I grabbed that coke and put it in my bag and took off. Brought it home and drank it while surfing www.slickdeals.com (I hate you Amit)
In the center is a pupcake/bear
On the far right is a bouquet of flowers by my teachers after my exeptional going away speech to the staff. I told them they have filled my heart with a endless love and I am forever debt to them. Naw, actually I just said, "I will never forget you," in Japanese. Which probably sounded something like, "Iee ereee nebbaa foogiit yoo."

And now for something I'm very proud of:

This project took me the entire year.

Some of you know how hard the Japanese work and party. Well it often catches up to them, and they have no choice but to take a nap at work. And when this nap hits, I'm there to capture it on my cell phone. So without further adieu I give you an entire years worth of sleeping teachers on the job.

My Fav

---

So ya man, I did it. A year in a foreign country.
Came to this country without knowing any of the language, hardly any of the culture (Majority of my posts were about toilets for Christ's sake) and I survived in the countryside of Japan.

Okay asshole we know about your burning asshole, your lacking ability to get laid, and your obsession with your teachers, but what the fuck did you learn?

I learned a few things sir:
Iwasaki has had a boyfriend for four years.
I learned that you're never alone.
Kindness shouldn't be taken lightly, but should be shared.
Japanese food does not make me shit.
Japanese girls are crazy.
But White girls are crazier.
I love my friends.
I miss having a home.
Internet porn is evil.
Cooking is fun.
Culture is beyond words.
I'm excited to see all of you.

xoxoxxxo

VACATION

2010-03-12T06:33:00.000-08:00

MY VAGINA IS GETTING BIGGER

Last week I took a small 5 day vacation and did a small amount of traveling.

** I fucking forgot my camera so you're going to have to settle for MSpaint.

I went to Kobe for the second time and saw Jackson Browne with Sheryl Crow, and let me tell you it was AWESOME. I'm so happy I saw Browne before I (or he) died. But something strange happened with Sheryl Crow came on... Beside from the obvious butchering of a Jackson Brown classic, Doctor In My eyes, something was happening to me...

My penis (now strictly for peeing) seem to dissipate within my pants and a blossoming (not beautiful*) vagina appeared.

Holy shit! I have a vagina! What do I do with it? -- How come all of a sudden I like all these Crow jams? This is so strange... Are you strong enough to be my man? Obviously not you dick fuck.

Then as soon as it came, it vanished with the end of the set. Goodbye Sheryl, take my God forsaken vagina with you.

---

Then I took a trip to the WWII ravaged island of Okinawa.

Okinawa was the last island battle in the Pacific, and it was wild.
I went to a few WW2 museums, a cemetery, underground tunnels and caves the Japos made for hiding, and a memorial for an all girl high school that devoted their time to aiding the sick. Most of the girls and teachers committed suicide rather then submitting to the Americans.

After the war the island was taken over by the USA till 1972, before that Japanese people needed a passport to go there!

You can tell the Islands were Americanized at one point. I ate an A&W Rootbeer place, and then my stomach hurt BAD afterwards. ( Legends you're going to make me shit all over myself -- more then usual that is...)

I went to the second largest aquarium in the world. And it was fucking AWESOME... except for one minor detail.

CHINESE

Well that's that. I'm heading to Kyoto for one more small trip.
2 weeks and counting.

* = I know a lot of women are going to be up in arms about me calling the vagina "Not beautiful." Sorry dudes. I'm just not a big fan of something that has piss, discharge, yeast infections, and blood oozing out of it. But some dudes might find that beautiful... especially when discharged all over their chest, but I don't.

- About the Chinese, I have nothing against the Chinese at all, other than some of the food makes me shit, but by this point I think my stomach has been so beaten and battered anything could make me drop a brick into the pool.
Vivian if you still read this, which you probably don't, I was just kidding, you're awesome, and you deserve Lance. >=(

Quick Update

2010-03-09T16:53:00.000-08:00

Do You Use Condoms During Sex?

I've been on vacation for a while, sorry for the lack of update, but here's something good!

As some of you know, my vice principal loves me, which is great because he lets me come and go as I please. Which is why I'm writing this blog when I should be at work =D

Yesterday, after I gave him a souveigner from my vacation. He comes and sits down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder.

"When you make love... do you use condom?"

"You don't need a condom if you're sticking it in the butt Kyoto"

"Hmm I like thaat answer, you can go home early."

YES! I've been buttering up that guy all year and now I hardly ever have to go into work. It's fucking sweet. Other then that, I still havent drank the Coca-Cola in the fridge. I think I'll save that for my last day. A sort of victory drink of some sort.

I'll post about my vacation later.

Later bitches

Tie

2010-02-25T05:25:00.000-08:00

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner

Sorry for the shoulder in the picture, but I was just trying to inconspicuous

Yes, this guy is so awesome. Originally I was going to take a point away from this dude for being such a lazy ass, but then again, that's why I didn't take a point away. This dude doesn't give a FUCK. Good for him.

I noticed him on the train on the Kyoto.
I think the best part of it was the girl who's trapped in the seat next to him.
She tries to get up around the dude, and had to wake his drunk ass up. Ya, the dude was drunk at like 3 pm. So good.

I also enjoy this picture on multiple levels. People always hear about the Japanese sleeping on trains but this dude takes the cake. Takes the whole cake, and takes a giant shit on it.

All the Japo's tried to ignore him as much as possible. Tried not to look at him etc, but then when that chick was yelling at him to get up, a few people peered over and laughed.

Other than that...

I have one more month till I get back.
Excited anyone?

Leg Update

2010-02-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

Everyone behold the leg:

As you can see it's a nice shade of yellow accompanied by a giant purple bruise that hurts like hell. My toes and bottom of my foot are all purple. Allow me to go into further detail.

I feel I should first give praise to Seiko-Chan who is a lovely 66 year old lady who picks me up everyday with a homemade breakfast every morning at 730 am to take me to school.
Then she picks me up at 330 to take me to the hospital. She pays all my hospital bills and buys all my food. She is not paid by any company, and she's only known me for the past 5 months. She does not speak English, and I don't think she speaks Japanese either (she does speak Japo but her country accent so god damn think it sounds like shes got a mouth full of food when she speaks). I love her.

She picks me up and takes me to the hospital everyday after school for some rehabilition, or at least thats what they call it. Here's a glimpse:

I'm sorry for the quality of the picture but it was taken with my phone.

They put ice on my ankle for about 20 minutes, then hook up 6 different electrical pads to my leg and send shocks through it for about another 20 minutes.

The worst part: the doctor massages my bruises.

Hey is that some ancient Japanese secret? It must feel good.

This massage in no way feels good. In fact it hurts bad.

"Itai?"

"Ya fucking itai!"

"Yokatta! Daijobu desu?"

"No, what the fuck!?

Anyway I'm only supposed to be on crutches for 1 or 2 more weeks. I can't wait to get this fucking thing off my leg. I gotta go see Sheryl Crow and Jackson Browne (fuck you Austin) next week in Kobe then go to Okinawa. F.

How is school going?

School is a breeze right now. There is no elevator so they've canceled all my classes on the 3rd and 4th floors. I have roughly 1 class a day. Everyone is killer nice opening doors and fetching me things around the office. Most of the Japanese just laugh at me when I tell them it was Judo, but fuck it, less work for me to do.

There was one day last week when a class and I were doing a chirades game. And one of the Japanese teachers insisted that I partake even though I'm on crutches.
"Are you fucking kidding me? No. I got one month left, give me a fucking break dude."

Is there anything else I want to say?... hmm.. I booked my flight home.. I haven't pooped since Friday... that coke in the fridge is still laughing in my face... Amit's a fag

Japan 6 - Nick 7

2010-02-17T05:45:00.000-08:00

Racism Lives!

Assholes might as well be offering grape soda with their pork sandwiches

Don't let the sneaky Japanese fool you. Racism is alive and well in this country.

Maybe not racism, but they definitely don't think twice to what they're saying..

Japanese: "Oh.. black face!"

I would say this sign is a pretty good example of that. Not sure if you find the term "Black Music" offensive or not, but I try to compare most of what I see to the states. I don't think you would find a cafe in the states with a sign of a black man singing "Black Music."

I've had many people mock the way I talk and laugh. It's a little annoying. I know I've mentioned this before but could you imagine turning to an Asian in America and mocking, "Ching chong gong gong piiiiiiiiiiiiiiing bong gong"?

HOT DAMN!

Leg Update: Couldn't fucking sleep at all last night. The floor is fucking cold and my leg was throbbing. Totally didn't go to work today. Ha!

- Thanks to everyone that voted. That coca-cola is as good as mine! Plus who's gana take it from a cripple?..

Japan 7 - Nick 7

2010-02-11T21:22:00.000-08:00

My Leg Is Fractured...

.. in two spots

For those that haven't been Facebook stalking me, I have a fractured my leg and ankle while playing judo.
How it happened exactly we're not sure of. I just remember me and my partner falling and my leg folding backwards. My knee and my ankle popped, luckily my knee is cool, but my ankle and leg aren't so cool.

The same night of me breaking my ankle I went to an Orthopedic. He examined my leg for a bit then he had two of my Senseis hold me down.

"Why are you guys holding me down?"

*Dr proceeds to yank, pull, and twist my broken ankle

"WWWHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAa AAAAAAAAAAAaa Wwhaht t thhee fucckckk1!!!! HAHAHAAH ohh my gododd!1 Why am I in this country!?!?! "

"Yokatta, I don't think it's broken."

Oh lord.
I had to go to work the next day. I only had one class, thank God. My day was spent staring at the wall. I couldn't get up to flirt with the nurses, or sleep in the library, my day was fucking terrible.

After work I went to a real hospital and got Xrays done. That's when I found out I had two small fractures. One in my leg and one in my ankle. Going to take about 4 weeks of me walking on crutches and a soft cast.

Pretty bummed out.

Everything here was based on me being mobile, riding a bike, walking to the station. Now I can't do shit. My schools don't have an elevator so my classes on the 4th and 3rd floors will probably be canceled.

I don't feel like working like this. I'm gana have to sit in a chair.
Taking a shit in my shoebox size bathroom sucks. I shower by laying down in the shower with one leg hanging out the door.

This is so fun.

On the brightside of things: I'm watching a bunch of 24, playing a lot of Guitar. A lot of my classes will be canceled. In fact on rainy days I probably won't go to school at all (I'm not fucking crutching 30 minutes in the rain to the station just to slip down stairs)!

Get this shit:

My Judo Sensei has been bringin breakfast lunch and dinner everyday since the accident. They've been taking me to the hospital and have been so sweet.

They treat me better then my god damn friends back in the states!! ( F U GUYS!) - Miss you guys

haha, Lord, I need to come home!

Lick my balls

2010-02-08T05:57:00.000-08:00

The slow and steady decline of Nicholas J Giunta

These are some bright orange tori gates gentleman.

There's no real story behind it, it's just pretty cool looking and I feed you assholes so many pictures of toilets and other senseless shit I thought you'd appreciate some 'real' Japan.

This is a real famous spot in Kyoto.

Kyoto is known for being real japan, the only problem I have with that is there is no real Japan. There are temples and tori gates but their surrounded by shopping malls and overpriced cafes. It's kind of a drag. I think a lot of people thought they were going to be coming to the set of 'The Last Samurai.' Wrong-o

But really, I'm happy it's there or else Japan would be JUST Shopping malls and overpriced Cafes. Lesson being, you can have your cake and eat it too.

Sorry the for the lack of updates, I've been jumping through all kinds of hoops lately for grad school, and leaving Japan. Gotta get a plane ticket, apartment taken care of, my cell phone, selling my shit etc. Lordie.

Oh, I'm also going to put a new Poll up. There's this Coca Cola sitting in my school's fridge for the past 3 months, just staring at me to take it. I don't know whose it is, but how long can something be left in the fridge before it's open to the public. I think I'm going to take it anyway, they don't give a shit about me.

How did this entry go from being about Kyoto to about a public refrigerator.
You assholes are going to miss this blog when it's gone!!1

Fuck

2010-02-03T06:24:00.000-08:00

No fancy shit here.

Sorry for the lack of posting as usual but this is what junkies would refer to as: coming down.

I'm pretty checked out mentally. Ready to start something new, see my family, friends (whats left of them), and eat some mexican food.

My lessons are getting worse and worse. I'm showing up for work late, or leaving early (I left around 11 today).
I think people are starting to notice (or maybe it's the slight case of schizophrenia I've developed here).

"Do you like Japan?"
"Yeah of course!"
"Rearry?
"Yes."
"REARRY?"
"YES!!"
".. rearry?.."
"You're right, I don't, fuck."

On a completely unrelated related topic.

I fucking ate whale tonight.

ON ACCIDENT.

I went to my market and wanted to try a new fish
"Well well, what's this blood red slab? Look delicious!"
Take it home and realize it's taking a long time to cook...

I bite into it and blood goes where, it's as tough as steak.

I think it's whale.. I throw it away and eat a Banana.

Ask my friend later that night to read the packaging for me, and sure enough, Whale.
I've been feeling ill all night. Eating soup, drinking tea, took a long bath.

Congratulations God you've done me in quite well.

Japan 7 - Nick 9

2010-01-26T02:34:00.000-08:00

Hiroshima

Oh nothing like the sweet smell of VICTORY!
I really enjoyed Hiroshima, easily one of my favorite trips while in Japan. Such wild history, pretty city, and of course I was with the old man giving me history lessons on super powers/death/racism or whatever fuck.

Anyway.

The best is when my students ask me:

"Giunta what's your favorite Japan city."

"Oh that's easy child, I really like Hiroshima."

There's looks of confusion on everyone's face.

What the fuck?! Why the hell do you like that depressing reminder of a city? Oh I know why that yankee piece of shit likes it. It's because he likes remind himself that he won the war. Well woohoo, raw haw for you Mr. American piece of shit. Why don't you just go over to that McDonalds buy yourself a Big Mac, supersize it, then shove it up your hairy capitalistic asshole!? Do you like Hiroshima because it's a great reminder of the destruction your country has put on us, that is still effecting us to this day? Do you know how it feels to have family members and friends effected by a bomb that was so hot it melt there skin to floor? So why Giunta?! Why the hell do you like that city so much? You piece of trash! And by the way I hate your classes!

- Er, the food?

Japan 7 - Nick 8

2010-01-20T04:57:00.000-08:00

Fail

this picture was taken back in Tokyo when I first came to Japan.
I was trying to think of all sorts of ideas for the blog, and one of them was .. " Japanese Equivalents."
Which was basically what my friends back home would look like if they were Japanese.

The picture shown is of some stranger at Ueno park during the Cherry Blossoms.

It was supposed to be Dax, Ryan and Lance's brother.

Fail because Dax is already Asian. But I remember seeing this guy and thinking, "Holy shit it's Dax! I should go talk to him." Then I remembered, "Oh fuck, I'm in Japan. That's not Dax, it's just some Japanese look-a-like."

I'm not saying all Asians look alike*

The guy wears a beanie like Dax does, and he's got a lady, that's Dax! Now only if he had an iPhone in one hand..

I was going to try to take lots of pictures of Japanese people and compare them to my friends and family, but it got so awkward trying to take pictures of strangers without them knowing it wasn't worth it. In fact I know of a Jap-Toby and Jap-Amit but I won't ever get their pictures up and running. Sorry.

* = Lie, they do.

American Sports 100 - Japanese Sports 0

2010-01-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

This is a 'varsity' high school team... nuff said

American Sports 0 - Japanese Sports 1

2010-01-13T05:58:00.001-08:00

Excuse the shitty quality of this photo, but it was taken with my phone.

Some of you may remember a highschool girls basketball team in Texas ran up the score against a mentally challenged team by 100 points. This, of course, gained some national attention to bad sportsmanship at the high school level.... Does this exist in Japan?

Nope.

I went to a highschool basketball tournament last Saturday to watch a few of my schools perform.
My school lost by one point from a last second shot from the opposing team, tough loss...

BUT THE REAL STORY IS THIS EFFING PICTURE!

This is the score of a girls game with 2 minutes left in the fourth quarter.

HOlY SHIT
I couldn't believe it!
Talk about running up the score!

One team was obviously dominate. They had a full squad with an adamant coach, and a killer point guard that was throwing no-look passes and tossing opposing pussies to the ground, SON!

Team Pathetic had roughly six players, and could hardly get the ball past mid court.

Team Sadist decided to keep their best players in till the very end of the game. And as you can see.. they won... decisively.

Good thing Japanese parents don't give a shit about their kids, or else there would've been outrage all over the gymnasium!

And for those that want to get technical: The games are 4 10 minute quarters, and traveling is allowed (not really but the reffing is a joke)

OH ya...

2010-01-07T06:05:00.000-08:00

And for those that want to know how I spent my new year...

Chion-in Temple in Kyoto Bell Ringing New Year's Eve 2008 from Jason Collin on Vimeo.

Sorry I couldn't be in America pretending to enjoy watching you play beer pong.

Japan 7 - Nick 9

2010-01-07T05:37:00.001-08:00

Wow

This picture is from my first week in Japan. Holy shit, almost an ENTIRE YEAR AGO.
This is from inside the hotel room I was staying in while, "Training."

Let me talk a moment about, "Training."

Those that already know me from training are rolling your eyes (eff you guys).

First of all, the shit was way to fucking long. 8 am to 6 pm of listening to mundane, recycled stories; having grown adults play children English games.

"What is this?"

(in unison) It's a LION!

"Alright everyone stand up!"

(in unison) *We stand*

"Now sit back down..."

(in unison) *We sit*

"Now kiss the person next to you with a lot of tongue."

(Nick wakes up)

The point is... the whole training thing was incredibly disorganized, and ineffective. 99% of what we learned in training was applicable to elementary and Jr High students.

How the fuck am I supposed to get a classroom of 44 18 year olds learning trades at a vocational school, to clap their hands and sing English songs. My students are too busy drawing Hentai and presenting them as gifts (That's a positive).

Okay back to the picture.
After a few days my roommate and I obviously needed to do some laundry.
The washing machines worked, but the dryers did not.
Which meant hanging out underwear on anything in that room.

YES those are my Pink Floyd boxers, and YES that is my Old Spice deodorant.
I'm just really happy you can't see the Snickers bar resembled shit stain on my underwear.

I realized this picture is pretty pathetic in more ways then one. At first I was going to give Japan a point, but ya know what, it's Japan's EFFin fault for not having reliable dryers. What the hell!? This is Japan! The electronic capital of the world, right?! That dryer should have my clothes dried, pressed, and folded in under 10 minutes.

WRONG.

But then again I've been wrong about a lot of things..

Sophia ...

NEW LOOK!

2010-01-05T05:45:00.000-08:00

Ladies in Gentleman! Welcome to the new design of my blog! (Sorry for anyone who is blind and either has their friend reading this blog to them, or is listening to it on my new "Blog on Tape.")

There's not a whole lot new other then the color scheme and that fucking fancy-ass Poll at the top! Make sure to vote youngsters!

Vote or Die - P Diddy "Elected American Hero"

So this is how it's going to work, from no one, I'm going to be posting a lot more frequent (I know I say that a lot, but this time I fucking mean it!)
But the deal is, ONE PICTURE, ONE STORY.

I'm going to be choosing one my pictures by random and then posting a story about it.

LETS BEGIN:

What the fuck was Japan thinking?! They can't compete with American fast food. Authorities will tell you global warming is the cause of water levels rising, but the truth is Americans are so fat that we're actually sinking the continent into the ocean, its fact.

I bought this heart attack on a small trip. My town doesn't really have any fast food, other then the Micky D's (but that shit is a 30 minute bike ride, and I'm not going that far for a stomach ache). So anyway the name of the resturant is Lotteria. And the box contains, a burger, fries, FRIED CHICKEN, and a soda... which I got ginger ale..

Was it good?

In a word, no. It was the greasiest piece of shit I've stuck in my mouth the past 9 months. The fries were soggy and a tad bit cold, and the salt tasted like carpet findings. The burger was mediocre at best, so mediocre that I've completely forgotten how it tasted. Oh and the chicken, fucking Christ the chicken. The poor thing was so slimy and disgusting. It tasted as if someone had already eaten it, regurgitated it back into the fryer, then the Japo's fed it to me. Fuck ginger ale was a dumb choice.

I immediately felt sick to my stomach. I was walking around with a lead weight in my stomach. A lead weight that was going to find it's way to my rectum and fucking destroy it, then send it to my parent's letting them know that I ate vomit, and that's how I died.

The food was gross, made me want to puke, but it also made me... miss America.

America, my stomach is not ready for you, but my heart is.

Merry Christmas Crackers

2009-12-21T05:56:00.001-08:00

Merry Christmas To Everyone

Hey Nick, what's Christmas like in Japan? Are there Christmas lights? Santa Claus'? Are there any gifts are little elves running around giving out free blowies?

Thank you for asking!

There are not any elves running around giving out free blowies (I've looked desperately).
There are some Christmas lights. Bigger cities like Kobe, Osaka, and Tokyo have some light displays. But much like Halloween Christmas is just a novelty. It isn't celebrated in the same fashion as the states, ex. Christianity beliefs, Jesus, Mary and Joseph's argument with that Angel.. non-existent.

In fact, Christmas is on par with Valentines day. It's a couples day, if you have a boyfriend or girlfriend you're supposed to spend it with them. So you can imagine that I'll be spending it with a full night of Spank Wire.

Sorry for not rotating the picture, you can tell my laziness is really kicking in.

This is a giant Santa/Bush thingie outside of a mall in Kobe. Just an example of the kind of illuminations they got going on in Japan.
Romantic..

Since it is the season, it's time for Christmas lessons in school. I'm letting kids make Christmas cards. Simple things really.

Draw a Christmas Tree

Write a message. Ex: "Merry Christmas, Happy New Year."

This is what I got from one of my students at my Technical school.

Classic! Gotta love the attention to them titties!

Jesus Christ listen to me....

Anyway.

I hope everyone that still looks at this blog has a very nice holiday.
I'll be getting back to all of you after the new year.
Expect some sort of new layout and big update after the New Year.

Godspeed.

Japan 7 - Nick 8

2009-12-09T07:04:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I lost at strip "Jankin"... but I won ;)

Tie

2009-12-03T03:01:00.000-08:00

Food

I've been wanting to post this for over a week.
Jesus I'm getting fucking lazy with this blog, I'm almost as bad as that terrible "Itadakimasu," horse shit of a blog.

Anyway, last week was Thanksgiving so I thought I would do a small blog about FOOD.

What's more American then a McDonalds?!
Raised trucks - er.. Maybe
Bigotry - hmmm
Celebrity Sex Tapes - Okay you got me there..

Anyway, McDonalds was serving up there Japo famous Tsukimi burger

The Tsukimi burger = Burger, Bun, thousand island dressing, bacon and of course, EGG.

HMMM so delicious!!
In all honesty it wasn't that good, it tasted just like a McMuffin, but without the disgusting. It was Okay. I can't explain why the Mcdonalds (Pronounced: Mac-uh-Mick-Dough-no-doe) in Japan tastes so much better then Amercicas. Maybe it's because the workers in Japan aren't some borderline suicidle, disgruntled, derelict.

The Tsukimi burger was a fucking let down... but Japan always redeems itself some how...

WITH A FUCKING BLAST FROM THE PAST!

WWWAAHHHHHHH
I haven't had these since I was in elementary school.
They're still good.

Hope you guys had a nice holiday.. except amit.
Oh, and in case you're wondering how I celebrated my Thanksgiving, it was with tofu and pizza.
wow

Time Out (20 Second)

2009-11-24T06:05:00.000-08:00

Halloween Revisited

This is probably the best picture of my trip you will see.

I'm dressed as a horse with a suit on dancing with some chick on a stage.

A few things to take from this picture:

- I can't see a thing. I had no idea who I was dancing with. I knew it was a girl from using my hands, but I never got a glimpse of her face. I had to ask my friends if she was hot or not. How embarrassing. She asked me to take the mask off... I told her "HERRRHHHAAAHHAA," (that was suppsosed to be a horse voice). I answered everyones questions in horse noises.I never took off the mask.

This is the first time I saw what that girl looked like.

- There's a sing on the side of the wall: "Ladies Only On The Stage." Well sir, I'm a horse.

- Michael Jackson was a very popular costume this year, as I'm sure it was back in the states. I'm not sure if that MJ was either a man or a woman. Which I guess means it was an authentic costume.

- The most annoying part of the night: Countless British and Australian men asking me, " Aye dare mate, you're a horse. A HORSE! Butttt zzzer real question is... Are you hung , are you hung like a horse!1!"

Awful, everyone is piss drunk so they fucking say the same thing to you 3 times a night.

- There's a drink in my hand. It's water.

I hope everyone has a nice thanksgiving!

- oh, except for you Amit Patel. I hope your Thanksgiving sucks, thanks for the land.

Time Out (20 second)

2009-11-19T16:26:00.001-08:00

KOBE!

Thought I would give you guys a little update before I head out onto the weekend.

I went ahead and took my first paid vacation day, and I'm headed to Kobe in about 30 minutes.
I'm gana try some of that world famous Kobe beef (like a burger not the curtains), and look at some other attractions.

What else... I found out that Iwasaki Sensei really likes Orlando Bloom.
That's GREAT!
Now I have something to model myself after. All I have to do is lose about 90 lbs, have ugly facial hair and grow a vagina.

One my other teachers who is interested in English appraoches me with Mariah Carey lyrics.
What does it mean to be "All up in the..."
Er this is hard to explain, when did Mariah get so Ghetto?

This has been the first time since I left America where I actually really wanted to play a video game. Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2 just came out and it's broken all kinds of records. Highest entertainment launch in history! Including books, and movies alike, that's insane. Makes me wonder two things... how far video games have come as a median of entertainment... and how fucking lazy are we?

Alright that's about it really... I'm headed to Kobe here in about 20 minutes.

Sorry for the lack of updates. As some of you may know, I'm preparing for grad school, so I've been spending a lot of time in front of the computer writing up letters of intent and doing a ton of a research. So anytime I don't need to be in front of the computer, you can bet I'm not. I'm out hitting convenient stores like any other Japanese in this country.

ONE MORE THING.

I started to watch the show 24... bad idea..

Okay really this is the last thing: My ass is doing fine, thank you to everyone who wrote letters of encouragement, I'll be fine! Thanks for looking out for my ass..

WATCH BLACK DYNAMITE!

Black Dynamite Redband Trailer
Uploaded by viciouspanda. - Full seasons and entire episodes online.

Japan 7 - Nick 7

2009-11-16T00:51:00.001-08:00

To The Hospital

I won't say exactly what it was that forced me to go to the Doctor's office, just know that it's nothing serious. Ladies, don't worry it's nothing serious.

But here it goes:

I contacted my Doctor in the states and told him my situation and he told me it was time to go to see a Doctor in Japan.

God damn, remember how I've been saying my town is nothing but old people. The hospital was fucking PACKED! There were old people every where laying around, some were missing limbs, it was wild. I had to be the youngest person in there by 40 years.

My teacher came with me and helped translate with the Dr. Then it was the moment of truth. My teacher stepped out of the room and the Dr made me get on a table, get on my forearms and my knees and bend over... If you're having a hard time imagining this, here's a picture I drew.

This was one of the most embarrassing moments of my whole fucking life.

The first thing I did when bent over with my pants pulled down was apologize to every girlfriend I've ever had. This is the most uncomfortable position in the world. I couldn't fucking relax, I was so tense. I kept flexing my butt cheeks!

There are no ROOMS! The only thing between me and the waiting room was a fucking curtain. Nurses and patients were walking by and having a nice giggle. Absolutely no privacy.

Then the Dr asks my teacher to come and in and translate some. Holy God, now my teacher sees me bent over with my ass hanging upright in the air like some whore. It was awful, I couldn't make eye contact with anyone, I just put my face in my forearms and waited for the whole ordeal to be over with.

Once it was over, I've never felt so violated in my life. I didn't want to sit down. I stood the rest of the time.

The best part of the visit though.. was it was completely free. The Dr. never took my insurance or anything. Apparently he houses some exchange students from time to time, and he feels sympathy for foreigners in this country. So he gave me some antibiotics and some steroids for free. Fucking sweet. I'm juicin.

Like I said Ladies, don't worry about me. I'll be good. Just give me a week or so to get back on my feet. Oh lord, who the hell am I kidding? Ladies didn't want me before, why the hell would they want me now that I have some bandage hanging from my ass...

God how has this trip come to this.

Japan 7 - Nick 8

2009-11-09T02:20:00.000-08:00

Breaking and Entering

I found a new hobby of some sort...

All throughout my region are abandoned houses.

Why is that?

Well you see, there are nothing but old, half-crippled, fruit pickin' grandmas living around me. Their children go away to larger cities like Tokyo, or Osaka. Once the parents die, the kids may come down for funeral, but that's about it. The leave the house as is. They just board up the windows, and lock the doors. There is still a bunch of stuff inside the homes... as you'll see!

Random boxes filled with clothes moslty.

This is the kitchen. They still had bottles of sake laying around.

Tools.

Man these scared me a little bit. Two human sized wooden crates. Fuck man, they coulda been coffins! Had to take a look inside and I found this!!...

.
....

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Just kidding.. there was nothing but old blankets in those coffins...

but this is real...

I fucking stepped on a petrified cat. Who knows how long that thing has been dead. It was like kicking dry leaves. Sweet Jesus!

Halloween Special

2009-11-02T02:52:00.000-08:00

Do The Japoknees Celebrate Halloween?

Yep

A lot of people have been asking me this so I thought I would take a minute and talk about my Halloween experience.

The Japanese have a unique way of celebrating Halloween.
Almost all cafes have some sort of Halloween decor, because it's "Cute." Anything that is cute in this country is put on a pedestal, but that's a different story.

The cafes have the normal stuff that we'd see in America. Jack-o-lanterns made of plastic, witches, ghosts. In essence, cafes look like elementary school classrooms.

There are a few costume parties for children, and the kids know the term "trick or treat," but don't be fooled, there is absolutely NO trick or treating. The Japanese basically do everything with Halloween except celebrate it.

What Did I do For Halloween?

I went to Osaka to visit my old friend Jason and attend a few clubs and costume parties.
Jason went as Ned Flanders.

We got to the club and we were an instant hit.

The biggest problem with my costume was that I couldn't fucking see! I was dancing with all these girls and had no idea who they were. I had to use my hands as my eyes. Most of them felt really hot. So I had to ask Jason, "Please tell me she was hot."
All the girls wanted to know who I was. "Take off your mask!" "Are you Japanese?"
Do I effin dance like I'm Japanese!? (Oh btw! The only people to dance worse then white men, or Japanese people).
I eventually took my costume to the bridge in Osaka and posted for a while. Japanese would come up with their camera and take a picture with me. Everyone said "thank you," how did they know I was white?!

Anyway, my Halloween was a lot of fun. I almost passed out twice because of how hot it gets in that fucking mask. The ladies were (felt) beautiful, and the times were good, real good.

Oh yah.. Here's my costume.

Ride it baby, ride it

Time Out (20 second)

2009-10-30T07:33:00.001-07:00

Happy Halloween!

I wonder which apartment the honkie lives in.... hmm..

Japan 7 - Nick 7

2009-10-28T05:35:00.000-07:00

My Bitter Sweet Brown Belt

That's a picture of me and my Sensei in my closet like dojo.

Like the title says, it was a bitter sweet experience. Let me start with the sweet.

Sweet:
The Budokan was effing packed! There must've been a hundred or more people packed in there to kick some ass, or watch some ass being kicked.

My test was split into two separate parts.
1. Kata (Showmans skills test)
2. Fight

During the beginning of the Kata I recognized two of my students. They came over and bowed to me. That was nice, HARK! What was that!? They have white belts! Oh man, one of these two students could be my opponent!

Anyway, Pyar (another Gaijin stacking up to 6'6 and 230 lbs) got together and passed our Kata together. Good times.

Here's a video of the Kata. The three moves at the 1 minute mark are the moves I had to do to pass.

Next was lunch.. I ate a little bit of rice and fish.

During lunch, the scrolls were put up. Each scroll had the names of the fighters. I can't read... =(

After lunch everyone gathers around the scrolls and the judges read of the names (you are to raise your hand accordingly).
"Nick Oh LAs Giunta,"
HAI!!
"Japo Name"
Hai!!

That was when I first saw my opponent...

A lot of things go through your mind when you see the man you'll be fighting for the luxurious brown belt.
Has he truly loved?
Does he have a family?
I wonder if we'd be friends?...
I wonder what his favorite cartoon is?..
and..
I wonder what Jr High he goes to...

The Bitter Part : My opponent was only 14 yrs old.

That's right!

I had to fight a God damned 14 yr old for my brown belt.

Dude when we got to the ring I was thinking, "Alright I'm just going to take it easy on this kid, he's only 14 and his parents are here to watch him. I couldn't imagine playing one-on-one basketball with a 25 yr old when I was 14.."

The fight started and I swear that kid was possessed. He was fighting for dear life. It was as if I were trying to steal all his cartoon pornography.

After about 30 seconds the fight went to the ground and I eventually pinned him for 3o seconds, match over.

My second match, against another 14 yr old only lasted 10 seconds. I threw him, game over.

After all the fights were finished it was free for all time. Anyone who wanted to fight anyone could come and challenge, and let me tell you.. there were a line of black belts lining up to take out the white man. I got my damn ass handed to me. I was so fucking exhausted. The little kid from the first fight came and challenged me again, I think his Sensei made him do it. I told him and his teacher he was very strong and not to be upset about anything. I bowed and tried to show great respect, but honestly as the whiteman in Japan there's only so much respect you can show without looking like an ass.

So there you have it.
I have a brown belt.
How did I get it?
Kicking the crap out of a 14 yr old.

Time Out (20 second)

2009-10-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

The Biggest Test Of My Life

That's right kid-o's. I have my brown belt test in judo tomorrow.
How do I obtain this brown belt? Easy. I just have to defeat the 3 Japos put in front of me.
The idea of putting my hands on a complete stranger and attempting to throw them to the ground and hold them there is odd to me, for a couple reasons.
The main one being that I'm used to a sport that I was somewhat decent at.
I was confident in my ability to play basketball so I had no problem of playing against anyone. But in judo, I've been practicing for 2 months. I'm awful. As bad as it gets. So not only am I scared about getting thrown, but I'm also scared about throwing someone. What If I throw them and they land on their fucking head and bleed to death?!
Basketball is a sport in which physical contact is frowned upon. It's pretty damn pussy. Almost as pussy as soccer.

Everyone please wish me good luck. If I win, I'm a brown belt, if I lose I bring shame to the Dojo.

OH!! And I almost forgot. The people I will be competing against... high school students. Which means, there's a good chance I will have to fight my students. And If they beat me, do you know how embarrassing that will be!? How would you feel if you beat your high school teacher in physical combat? Holy god, I'd ask for nothing less then a B+ or I'd kick your ass, like I did in the competition! fuck

Japan 7 - Nick 6

2009-10-21T08:17:00.000-07:00

Poetic Justice

Every morning I take a train and bus to get to my school, it takes roughly 45 minutes to get there. At the final stretch of my morning journey I have to walk about 200 yards to the campus surrounded by students. At the gate of the campus is the principal. And he is there every morning to great every child that walks through the gate... and me.

Here's an Illustration:

I think this is really neat. I don't think there are many schools in America that have their principal stand outside and great the children. Later one day I find myself in the coffee room with the principal and one of my English teachers.

"Hey could you please tell the Principal in Japanese that I think it's really cool he stands outside and greats me in English every morning.."

"He says you look very tired.."

"Ah, ya it's pretty early, sorry about that."

"He says the sky is very blue and beautiful, and in contrast you are very gray and look sad to be coming to work.."

"Oh... wow.. err.. I dunno.. what to say.."

Damn! Talk about dropping some Japanese poetic justice all over me! I'm just glad he didn't start whipping out Haiku's to put me in my place. Maybe I should start looking a little happier to be coming to school... I dunno if that's going to happen since my nickname in one class is vagina. Sort of, I don't really feel like talking about that right now.

Japan 7 - Nick 7

2009-10-16T18:26:00.001-07:00

Tokyo Game Show

Yes I went to Tokyo Game Show. I know know... I'm a giant nerd for paying 300 $ to fly to Tokyo to play the newest video games, some of which aren't released yet. PLUS, I'm staying with the girl from West Virginia and you know things are bound to get fresh... right?

I get to the show and I see a bunch of confiscated toys from people trying to cosplay.

A: Why the fuck are you bringing an iron to the show? Planning on ironing your cape?
B: Scissors? And there's a lot of them!
C: Who thought it would be safe to bring a fake gun to a public event? In Amerrrca, I think you would be arrested for something like this.

Speaking of Cosplay, here's a picture:

For those that don't know what cosplay is, It's when people dress up as their favorite anime or video game character. As you can see by this photo, a group of Japos decided to dress up as the cast of Zelda.... and one Yoshi.. who was smoking hot.

But the highlight of the trip. Who did I run into?! You might know her as Morgan Webb.

OMG! She's actually a lot cuter then I thought she would be. I was looking for Olivia Munn.. but I got Morgan, and that's okay. I didn't get the chance to speak with her since she was surrounded by a fortress of dorks.

After the game show

Okay time to hang out with the girl from West Virginia, things are bout to sweet as chicken pie.
Wrong.
Instead they got as gay as chicken ass hole getting fucked by another man chicken.

All of her friends (males) once they got drunk they started kissing each other, touching one another, and telling the gayest stories I've ever heard. Something about playing DDR naked with the heater turned all the way up. What the fuck?

So I just went to sleep, then the next morning flew back to my country side, where the males are normal, and want to touch chicks. And play DDR with our clothes on.

Japan 7 - Nick 6

2009-10-14T05:24:00.000-07:00

I'm Alive (Partially)

So I should've updated everyone on this days ago.
The typhoon came and went, and was hardly a big deal. Well, I shouldn't say that, someone did die.
I felt like a bit of an ass telling all my teachers how excited I was to go through a typhoon, then someone dies..... Well It turned out the typhoon was strong enough to knock down a tree in the path of someone on a motorcycle.
My school was canceled for only half the day. I had to go in around 1:00 pm and teach a class, but it wasn't so bad.

In other news:

I went on a hike over the weekend. The longest fucking hike of my life stretching 50 kilometers. Fucking God, never again. I've never climbed up and over so many hills/mountains in my life. My knees are aching.

I have my brown belt test for Judo in about 2 weeks in which I will be pinned up against another white belt'er (probably a high school student) and winner gets the brown belt. I don't have the killer instinct to fight dude. Seriously, I just do judo for fun, and now they want me to pummel some 16 yr old get into submission.

err...

There's a Baskin Robins out here. They have Halloween flavors and Halloween cups that are quite festive. I order a 4 dollar scoop of "Pumpkin Pudding," they give it to me in a normal 31 flavors cup and pink spoon. The next Japo in line orders ice cream and he gets the cool the Halloween cup and bright orange spoon. Fucking racist. The Japanese don't even celebrate Halloween! At least give it to the guy who's trick-or-treated once in his life time.

As far as my bowel movements are concerned (cause I know you're all concerned). I started drinking small cans of Boss Coffee. And that really gets things moving. And messy I might add. Who's the spokesman for Boss?

Kind of perfect if you ask me.

Sorry for the lame ass post. I will post something a little more fruitful, maybe tomorrow... or Friday.

On a completely separate note, Congratulations to Ryan and Jenny on getting married!

Time Out (20 second)

2009-10-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

I feel a typhoon uh comin'

That's right. A typhoon should be reaching Japan early Thursday morning. Schools have already been shutting down, and my train just notified everyone today that it would not be running until tomorrow night. This means it's going to be impossible for me to get to my school unless someone drives through the typhoon to come get me. I really hope that doesn't happen.

In honor of the school canceling typhoon I had myself a nice little dinner. Walked to the grocery store in the pouring rain and bought food for tonight and tomorrow (thinking I'll be stuck inside). Tonight is quite the occasion so I treated myself to spaghetti and Coca-cola! Delicious!

If school is canceled tomorrow, which it very well should be, you can count on me staying inside all day, eating rice, and trying to watch all of the Tree House of Horrors.

CHEERS!

Japan 7 - Nick 5

2009-10-05T06:58:00.000-07:00

The Great Outdoors

We had a small holiday, about 5 days off in a row so a few friends I decided to go camping.

Under-prepared but willing, my style. We went to a place called 48 waterfalls, but instead of staying in a hotel like a normal person we decided to walk up the mountain side and find a nice flat place to throw up a tent. Well we eventually found a place good enough for a tent, and we also found some foot prints. More like tracks. We think they were wild boar tracks, fuck it. We set up tent then I tried to make a fire out of sticks and stones. Once that didn't work we made Tyler make a small hike back into town and get a lighter.

Fire!!!

Oh that outlined person is Todd. He's black, and a little harder to see in the darkness.

We had the fire running till about 11:30, then we decided to call it a night. Around 1 in the morning a loud SCREEECH woke us up.

"Did you guys hear that...?"
"Yeah"
"Yeah"
"What the fuck..."

haha, I have a small video of us talking to each other in the tent, but the audio is very low and you never get to hear the animal so I'll spare you the 20 seconds of boredom and confusion.
The animal (which we think was a monkey) tiptoed around out tent for about a minute or so then took off into the forest.

Around 4 in the morning the animal came back and started to make more noise. I grabbed my camera and started taking flash pictures into hillside. What I found was shocking!

Well not really , but that's an eye! I took several pictures and that object never moved. Fucker was spying on us!

When we finally woke up and got everything going, we enjoyed a nice breakfast and started out hike. The 48 waterfalls was a very nice place.

After the waterfalls we got onto a rode and actually hitch hiked back to the train station. I'd never in my life hitch hike in America. That shit is nuts, you'd get a butt hole full broomstick or mouth full of dead, no thanks. But in JAPAN! They were very nice, even gave us some souvenirs and wished us good luck. haha.

So what do I like to do after a hard camping/hiking trip?
Well sir, I like to sit down at my favorite McDonald's and listen to a honkey from Atlanta Georgia play the piano, of course. Cause McDonald's in Japan have grand pianos...

And if you're wondering why I lost a point it's because of our reaction to the animal that came around the tent. Honestly if you would've heard us, you'd laugh, or mistaken us for girls, that are 8 yrs old, that suffer from night terrors.

Japan 7 - Nick 6

2009-09-30T06:44:00.000-07:00

I'll let the video do the talking

Thank you for the wonderful meal, I had a splendid evening.

<3
NG

Summer Stories

2009-09-24T03:11:00.000-07:00

End of Summer

So summer is coming to an end and I had one more visitor..
The girl from West Virginia! She stayed for about 4 nights.

It was good to have a friend come and stay a while. Friend with a giant penis.

A few highlights of the stay.

We went into the mountains to watch the only black man in southern Japan salsa dance..

The salsa dancing was good and all, but the biggest surprise was.. you guessed it.. THE TOILET!

There was no handle to flush! You had to take that weird spray nozel thing and literally spray your shit or piss down the toilet. At first I didnt know what it was.. a bidet maybe? "Am I suppose to hose my ass with this thing?"

A lot of people have been askign me:

"dude, she stayed at your place for four nights, please tell me you got some."
"Man, a girl at your place for that long, i hope you charged her rent, some PPUSSSSEEEHHH!!"

Well the truth is, after watching that Japo porn given to me from my basketball friend, Ive turned asexual.
I couldn't get a boner if Amit sucked my dick.
Either way, it didnt really matter...

Ya see, me and the girl from West Virginia, went to a photo booth together, and thats where it all... err.. unraveled..

Jason

2009-09-17T02:53:00.000-07:00

Jason Story #1 !!! OMGZ

"Does Jason know that is BAD?! "
- Sugino San

"Tanabe had it coming..."
- Disgruntled Interac Employee Emily Towe

"I got arrested."
- Jasons text sent to me at 4 am.

K there's not a whole to say about this.

One could say Jason has been going slowly crazy down here in the country side...

Long story short:

Jason and all of white friends went out drinking one night..

She didn't take her shirt off..

After the absolute slaughtering of Paranoid Android by Radiohead at a Karoake bar I went home. Fell asleep.

Didn't wake up till the next morning when I had a text from Jason..
"Got arrested"

Holy shit. Started to call people etc to see what happened..

Jason was confronted by 11 police officers at a grocery store parking lot.

I was later informed by Jason that in Canada, when one gets drunk, it's a lot of fun to jump on moving cars and pretend you got hit by them...Well the Japoknees didn't think that was too funny three cars later..

Jason actually did not get arrested but was slapped with a $500 fine. He's lucky that the people didn't want to press charges, they only wanted him to pay for the damages. And only 2 of the 3 people actually wanted him to pay, the third claimed he didn't do any damage. Wow, the Japanese are honest people.

Well without further adieu...

Thank you Emily very much for this photo!! LOLLL
I can't imagine what the poor Japanese inside were thinking!

Jason,

You were only with us for a short time, and God took you from us. We know he has plans for you. Better plans. You'll be happier where you're going. I look forward to our next meeting.
In our thoughts and hearts forever.

Jason

2009-09-15T07:03:00.001-07:00

Jason Story #2

Jason loves cars.

Jason and I set out to the beach in his car (That's not his Mercedes).

We had a hard time finding a parking spot so we parked in an empty lot. About 2 hours later Jason gets a phone call from his manager.

"Are you at Shirahama beach?"
"Yeah how'd you know that?"
"You parked in a man's lot and he's fucking furious. You better go move it."

We got back to the empty lot and saw this

The dude parked his car perpendicular so we couldn't get out the spot.
Well due to the nature of Japo cars being so tiny, we were able to squeeze by.

Once back at his apartment he gets another call from his manager.

"Hey, you weren't supposed to leave."
"But, I thought we were supposed to move that car..."
"Yeah well... he wanted you to stay so you could apologize."
"Okay I'll go back and apologize."

Manager calls again.

"Wait, you don't have to go."
"Why not?"
"You don't know Japanese. You can't apologize appropriately. I'll be down there tomorrow morning and take you to the beach and we'll both apologize in Japanese."
"But you live 2 hours away. You're going to drive all the way down here, on a Sunday? That's your day off..."
"Yeah..."

Well I wasn't able to go see the apologizing in action. But from what Jason told me, the dude was about a 5'4" piece of fiery shit. At one point in the apologizing the man put up both his fists and asked Jason to "C'mon! C'mon!" Then stepped back on his property. Apparently if you hit on a dude on his property your in big shit.

Jason was able to keep his composure this time... but not for long!!....

Till the next story!

Summer Stories

2009-09-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

My Dad Came To Visit.

For those of you that don't know my Dad I'll try to bring you up to date real fast.
My Dad is a retired LA Sheriff. He worked in Lynwood, Inglewood for the greater part of his career. His not a son of a bitch, but he's not exactly the nicest of men. His firm but fair. He's like a gym teacher that you hate to love? I don't know how to put it exactly, HE'S My DAD!

Here's a picture I took of him on Skype... I think you'll get the picture..

My Dad showing off his new Glock 9mm. Look at that smile.

Anyway, Instead of just telling you a giant story about our trip. I think I'll just give you some quotes from my Dad.

" Jesus Christ son, this humidity is absolutely awful. I've never in my life.. I'm sweating real bad, I need something to cool me down, like a delicious blue slushi."

"Everyone in this country is real nice and all son, but I couldn't live here. there's no aviation. And there's no way in hell I'm living anywhere I can't fly a helicopter."
- My Dad on Japan

"HOLY GOD. YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING! Now I've seen everything. I can of Pringles for 3 dollars and 15 cents, you've got to be joking.
- My dad on Pringles he saw in a 7-11

"How come I have to keep taking my damn shoes off?"

"Why can't I get a god damn normal breakfast? Ya know, some eggs, bacon, toast, maybe some hashbrowns, some coffee ..."
-My dad on Breakfast

"NO REFILLS?! What kind of country is this? You're telling me I only get one cup of coffee? Denny's is sounding real nice right about now.. "
-My dad on refills

"Oh son, Please get a picture of me with the bomb. Oh man this is something else! Look at the size of this thing. Can you believe what we as human beings have become capable of. Splitting molecules, atoms. And turning science into a weapon that can basically wipe every breathing thing off the face of the PLANET! Those sons of bitches should have just surrendered, then none of this would have happened. We didn't have to just drop one bomb on them but TWO! TWO BOMBS SON! Can you believe the type of destruction? I mean temperatures that caused people's skin to melt off where they stood. And oh lord, those people that were near the denotation. Those poor bastards didn't even know what hit them. Jesus..."

Love that guy

Jason

2009-09-05T08:00:00.001-07:00

Damn sandwiches are gross

Ask and you shall receive.

Some of my readers have expressed interest in hearing more about my friend Jason. For good reason, he's a nut.

Jason will soon be leaving this small town called Tanabe and heading to the bright lights of Osaka. So in honor of Jason I will be sharing one Jason story a week.

Jason Story #3

Jason and I are in complete aw of the lack of vagina in this town. There HAS to be girls here some where! We've seen them driving around in their cars, but where do they hang out when the weekend comes?! We set out on a fucking JOURNEY hitting every bar in this town.

We came across Panderika. Where we met Mickey and Snaggletooth .

That's kind of what she looked like.

Anyway Jason was bent on getting a date. So he tells Mickey and Snaggle...

"You're name is Sunday, and yours is Monday, but listen.. If Sunday works out then Monday you're off, I don't want you."

"Jaaaayyssaaann, no, nooooo"

Poor Mickey, it's sad to say but Snaggle was better looking then she was... brutal.
--------
Next on our little pub crawl was the now legendary Tender Love.

We are the only people in the bar, but the bartenders are 4 women.
3 young ones and one old... pretty old.

Well one of the young ones starts chatting with us in her best broken English. She points to the older woman, "That's my mommy...mommy."
The lady obliged, "My daughter."

"Oh that's neat," we say..

"My mommy... she has smelly pussy, bad smell, bad smell, my pussy.. nice smell hmmm nice body"

"Holy fuck where are we?"

Young girl grabs my crotch, "How big? How big?"

Jason steps in, thank God.

"Hey I've got a small penis. small small penis, but I've got some really BIG BALLS."

"Balls-eh? Balls-eh?"

"YES BIG BALLS, BALLS, BALLS, BALLS"

"Balls-eh? Balls-eh?"

"BALLS BALLS BALLS"

"Balls-eh? Balls-eh?"

"BALLS!!!!!!"

Oh that was a good night. Seeing Jason scream "balls" in a drunk 24 yr old mother of 2's face in front of her mother's smelly pussy.

God dammit I hate Tender Love.

OH! Jason eventually got his wish and was able to take Snaggle out on a nice date to the beach. Where she walked around in Jeans and high heels the whole time. Nothing ever came of it. Of course.

Summer Stories

2009-08-31T04:26:00.000-07:00

"When do we get the blog "The Guinta Men in Japan?" Actually, I'm pretty happy that you haven't been updating, because it actually means you were out doing shit. I look forward to NOT hearing from you more often."

- Facebook message from Toby (And I don't mind that fact that he misspelled my last name AT ALL, even though it's on my god damn facebook profile.)

He's right, holy shit. After being chained to a desk forced to create English games for teenage Japanese that don't give a shit about me, it felt good to get out.

The last time I left you I mentioned that I climbed Fuji with a few friends of mine, lets move on.
The real fun began a few nights later when we discovered a Rock venue called Kazoo right across the street from the apartment. Couple of the dudes out front invited us to the shows that night, "Tonight... eto neh.... 1500 yen... drink drink, rock music."
Good English amigos, we'll see you tonight. And good thing we did!

The bands were all very polished, I was impressed. A lot of them sounded alike, but that's okay too. It was roots man. They all sounded like Rancid, NOFX, the Bled, CodeSeven (I wish), and so on.
The atmosphere was great (Toby is probably the only person who cares about this) but the way the crowd reacted to these local bands was fantastic. Fist pumping, moshing, crowd surfing, stage diving. No security guards. This shit would have never gone down in the states. The kids are too spoiled in America. We could learn from the Japanese about how to support these up and comers.

At one point between sets, on of the band members pulled me on stage and started to ask me questions, where am I from, where do I work? Do I enjoy this music.

But it got real good when they pulled my Kiwi friend Ben on stage.

Sorry I forgot to bring my camera to this.

HAHAAHAHA. "Do you want to fuck all these girls?"
"Just one please."
How classic, poor drunk Kiwi. NO girl would talk to him the rest of the night.

Made some great friends that night. Its great how music can stretch across the globe and bring people together like that. I'm really glad we found that club that night.

AFTERWARD...

What happens when a Kiwi and a Scott get too much to drink?

Apparently they talk about the Lion King while falling asleep..

"Aww such a good film"

Me and the Kiwi had such a good time at the club we went back the following night to see what band was playing...

With a name like that, who the fuck could pass that up.

The band came out dressed in Kimonos, pink tights, and top hats.

Good act, good funky indie type of music that's mega popular right now. If I had to compare them to something I would say, Yeah Yeah Yeahs meets Deerhoof and drugs.

OH! And to top it off they had a chick drummer that could absolutely thrash.

You can check them out yourself!

ON A COMPLETELY SEPARATE NOTION

FUCK JETS

Hey bro. Jets are an engineering masterpiece that deserve respect and your accolade. If it weren't for Boeing and other great jetliner manufacturers YOU wouldn't even be in Japan.

Wrong Jet asshole

I'm talking about Japanese English Teachers! My gripe with JETs is that they have their own little JET clique and they don't bother talking to other foreigners. They go to their JET events where white girls throw their vagina like confetti and walk around like their shit is real thick! (More on that later) My poor friend Shaheen up near Fuji has had some rough run ins, so I took the liberty to let them know what the fuck.

ME: Hey guys whats up?
Nerds: Oh hey... uh... hi?
ME: You guys aren't JETs are you?
Nerds: Ya how'd you know that?
ME: Well the JETs I've came across are complete douche bags
Nerds: Oh...
ME: Maybe you guys should start being a little cooler no? Well I'd love to sit here and chat but I have to go wait for my train.

Couple Nights Later

Me, Ben, and Shaheen are at a Gaijin bar kickin back before our night bus shows up.. and who walks through the door.. another gaijin..
He's walking awkwardly and has a weird look on his face, he's unsure of his surroundings but confident in his nerdo ability (JET).

Nerd: Hey Guys
ME: Hey man how's it going
Nerd: uh nothing...
ME: Oh man, you're a JET aren't you?
Nerd: Ya...how'd you know that
ME: Intuition, well as long as there's only one of you
Nerd: All the new recruits are on their way, there should be like 22 of us here in a little bit

In they come...

Fuckn Hell

Nerd:Well look who it is, I can't forget that face.
ME: Well Well...
Nerd: What are you doing here?
ME: Look man, it's time to break the stereotype.
Nerd: What stereotype is that? That we're douche bags?
ME: Yep, Bean, I think it's time we leave.

EXIT

... till the next summer story.

Japan 7 - Nick 5

2009-08-13T21:23:00.001-07:00

Fuji - San

Dude, So this is going to be a bit scrambled and messy. Sorry, I'm writing this in a hurry.

I climbed Fuji last week and it was pretty wild. I couldn't tell you the exact height or anything like that, sorry I don't pay attention to such trivial bullshit. But what I can tell you, is that the fucking mountain charges you to take a shit.

How brutal is that?

Okay but this post isn't about poop believe it or not, i'll move on.

It took about 8 hours or so to climb it. We climbed till about 9 pm, then we went into a hut and rested until about 1 am.

Heres a picture of inside the hut.
The two honkies are my friends, and the asian dude in the back is not. In fact, you pay about 75 dollars to rest here, and you sleep shoulder to shoulder with other people. I slept next to some old Japanese lady who snored.

We got up around 1 am and started to hike again. Come around 2 am and people started to fall over and suck on oxygen tanks. My Kiwi buddy Ben (Bean) got a little altitude sickness and started to puke everywhere.

I couldn't get a picture of him puking so I thought this picture of him drinking water would do.

We arrived near the top of Fuji around 3 am. It was cold, we laid on the ground and snuggled.

What else did I find at the top of the legendary mountain?

Fucking vending machines.

Anyway, Yeah I conquered that mountain. Done it son. Here's a little victory pose for you.

Yeah that's dribble in my pants, so what!?

LOL.

Anyway, I'm heading out for another week or so traveling so I won't be able to update this for a while. But once I get back there should be some long nice updates of shit you guys might actually like to read about other then my toilet, and bowel obstruction.

Love you guys

Time Out (20 second)

2009-08-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

Fuck you Fuji-San

Prepare to be mounted.

Japan 7 - Nick 4

2009-07-27T03:36:00.000-07:00

" You know I read your blog right? Jesus, you're talking about your penis? I have to be honest, seems like your material has been lacking a little bit.."
- Yuen

"A penis blog? Are you serious? Running out of material?"
- Girl from West Virginia

"Dude thanks for writing about me and SpankWire"
- Jason

Well then, the people have spoken. No one likes talks about my penis, pubic hair, or lack of sex. Therefore I will go back to what made this blog so popular in the first place....

Toilets and poop jokes...

What do these three things have in common?

Answer: Streaks like you wouldn't believe.

It drags my poop down the drain, literally. My poop claws for dear life as the water mercilessly drags it to his doom (sometimes). Other, and less successful attempts just create a bowl of misery and mess. In other words, my toilet bowl looks like the Indy 500, a Jackson Pollock painting , or... the way a bowl of cereal looks after you leave it out for an afternoon, chunks of dry cereal plastered to the side of the bowl that are impossible to get off without a knife.. (you get the point)

That's right, I went from the Mecca of porcelain to this piece of shit.

A few tidbits from the picture you might enjoy:
The toilet paper I bought from my local market is absolutely terrible. It's thick newspaper.
There's a towel on the floor because as you can see I have 'wood' floors. And I'm too cheap to go buy proper bathroom mats so I just use a rag to wipe up any ricochet piss.
Above the toilet sink is a faucet. It's a little hard to see in the picture. After a flush, the water pours out of the faucet into the toilet sink. Apparently it's to wash your hands, then that dirty water goes into the sink, then into the toilet for a poop mattress. Pretty eco-friendly right? Well I don't give a shit. I want my bidet back!! The closest thing I have to a bidet is using that faucet to dampen some of my thick newspaper then go to work. But then I just get chunks of soggy tissue slopped in my ass waiting to dry.

On the brightside, this Japanese diet I'm on barely makes me poop. I think I average about 3 times a week. And they're not nearly as massive and destructive as back in the states. Take this as an example:

What do you think would do more damage coming out the back-side?

Sushi

or...

I miss you

For Christ's sake. Look at the size of that burger. You could blow an o-ring habitually shitting Red Robin.

I almost miss the days I would sit on the toilet for so long my legs would fall asleep, flush three times and be light headed afterward. Almost..

What I'm most afraid of is having a girl over and her using the toilet. I don't know what will creep her out the most: The chocolate swirl like streaks cutting across the bowl, the pee stained rag on the floor, or the fact I'm still on my first box of TP since I've moved here...

"My God, he doesn't shit? That must mean his ass is backed up with crap. I'm not going down on him, Lord no. I don't eat where I shit.. or he shits... Plus.. I heard his pubic hair is out of control."

Why do I get this point? Well I'm not sure why. Maybe Japan should have lost a point for giving me this shitty toilet, but instead I'll give myself the point for being "resilient," and calm during a time of trepidation.

I <3 my readers

Japan 7 - Nick 3

2009-07-21T06:56:00.000-07:00

Ode to My Penis

Oh penis, I'm sorry. I have forsaken you. I haven't forgotten. Please don't think I've abandoned. I've just been a tad bit busy I swear.

No you fucking retard, you should be GETTING busy, but instead you're too busy selling fish tacos, writing emails, blogs, and love letters to teachers that don't pay any attention to you. How would you like it, If I abandoned you? How would you like it if you woke up to take a piss, and instead of finding me there's just a slope of nothingness...

Hey hey ... I 'm sorry man. I've been trying, it's not easy out here in the country. There's more old people then young titties. And by tits, I mean like tit. So there's twice as many old people as a pair of breasts...

I get it! Okay, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm getting no action what so ever. None. You hardly even touch me.. what happened to the days when you used to sit on me till I fell asleep, then I'd jerk you off.

The stranger! Yes I remember the stranger, and they were good to me. But like I said I've been a bit busy. Sometimes I don't have enough time to go on SpankWire (thanks Jason) and find me a good Jennifer Haze video.

And for Christ's sake give me a God Damn hair cut! I look like a god damn Chia Pet down here. I'm suffocating!

I'M SORRY! I just haven't found any reason to go down there and trim the hedges. If there's no visitors why should I clean the kitchen.. Know what I mean?

Ya, I knaw what ya mean,

Naw MEan!?

word

WORD.

Love you

Love you

Time Out (Full)

2009-07-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Michael Jackson is Dead

Thanks Kirk, you're right, I should talk about this.

Yeah It was a big deal here in Japan when the King pop died. Probably more so then America. And I say that because I feel that most Americans were under the impression that Michael was gone about 10 years ago. It seemed whenever he came up in the news it was because he was dangling children from windows, or from his cock.

I was told multiple times a day that, "Michael Jackson dead!"... and because I'm from California, where he resides, the Japanese thought maybe I had seen Jackson walking around or something...

Anyway..

All of my teachers started picking up this...

Man and look at that price! 20 bucks for this!

Just when I thought Jackson's death had blown over.. one of my teachers brings in the CD to my classroom, and plays a song.

The worst thing of all is that the Japanese don't even like good Michael Jackson.
I was kind of stoked to listen to Billie Jean, or Man in the Mirror, or THRILLER!! ... But instead I had to listen to "Change the world.... make it a better place..." What the fuck is that shit.

I think it's funny how some songs are super popular in this country.. Lisa Loeb was HUGE with her hit "Stay," (I love that jam btw) I think she continued her fame in Japan...

weird...

anyway back to Michael..

Thursday night basketball and I'm getting a ride home from porn master Martsu, and he throws on a DVD in his car.. At first I thought it was going to be "Anal Attack 6," but to my disappointment it was Michael Jackson's greatest music videos. I finally got to watch Thriller..

Ya know I got to hand it Michael, he knew what he was doing when he casted a shit load of zombies.
I wonder how many of those Zombies love to eat the cock.

Super Gay

Japanese Bugs 0 - American bugs 0

2009-07-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

What Now Asshole!

I come home from work covered in sweat due to the sauna like humidity and what do I find?...

Guy was pretty big. maybe the size of my thumb or so.

Anyway I chased his ass down with a magazine that was sent from my aunt, missed, then the fucker went into my closet!

Jesus, now I'm covered in sweat cause I'm chasing a god damn cockaroach around my shitty apartment.

I had to drag all of my clothes out of the closet just to find the bugger.

You can actually see the rolled-up magazine and dead piece of shit near it. LOL.
Yeah I use old spice deodorant, so the fuck what?

Killed him son!

Dead mother fucker, it only took me about 30 minutes, my clothes, and a shit load of sweat.

On another sadder more depressing note:
I'm taking pictures of dead fucking bugs. Jesus Christ Nick, get your priorities straightened out. Where are the pictures of Japanese festivals, crazy hair, pigeon toed Japanese girls walking in high heels? Why are you wasting your time taking pictures of dead cockroaches. Fuck-n-a.

On an even SADDER note:
I told Iwasaki Sensei I loved her.. she said "Thanks.."

Time Out (20 second)

2009-07-08T07:26:00.001-07:00

Japan doesn't carry Gel Shaving cream. And for someone as hairy as me, that's a fucking problem.... reminds me of a similar problem someone else used to have...

Japan 7 - Nick 4

2009-07-06T06:21:00.000-07:00

I have some drugs if you want them..

WAH!?

It happened again.

I left the door open in an attempt to air out my apartment. But of course that didn't work, instead of releasing stale air, I let in a parade of mosquitoes. I had a hell of a time sleeping last night.

Every hour I woke up to an orchestra of humming in my ear. I turned on the light, grabbed a magazine and went to war for about 15 minutes every hour. Killed about 7 mosquitoes throughout the night. Some also got me, how do I know this? Because when I killed the sonofabitch I could see my fresh blood being smashed into the ceiling. Dicks. Beside killing the blood suckers I was also being haunted of dreams of my fish taco business (more on this later), heat, and Iwasaki Sensei. I fucking couldn't sleep!

Then it happened.

8:54

I didn't even bother looking twice. I picked up my phone and e-mailed one of my teachers. "Gooch, I'm running real late, I'm sorry."

Ate some cereal then rode my bike to the train station. The fucking trains here are so scarce that you miss one you won't receive another for at least one hour. I actually had to have my friend Jason drive me to school. Once I got to school, I was ready to face the music. I'm thinking they're going to fucking kill me. This piece of shit honkie has overslept twice in a month.

I'm greeted with a smile from a fellow teacher...
"Oh Nicholas Sensei, what happened?"
"Uhh, nothing. I just overslept."
"Oh, so so... Why?"
"Uh? I couldn't sleep the night before" (truth!)
"Why?"
"Uh....Mosqui..."
"Nervousness?"
"YEP! Anxiety, nervousness, maybe I'm homesick.."
"Oh, yes yes, I bet, please go talk with the Vice Principal."

Fack

"Good Morning Kyoto Sensei"
"Oh.. Nicholas.. Good Morning, you are late? Why?
"I couldn't sleep.."
"My goodness, yes you look tired." (May I remind all of you, I am reassured on a daily basis that I look tired and shitty in the morning)
"Yes I have trouble sleeping every so often" (truth!)
"Oh no.. why?"
"Nervous.."
"Oh you must be a little homesick"
"Yep" (Truth! - sort of)
"Please don't worry Nicholas, I won't tell your company you were late, it's okay. Our secret. I don't tell anyone."
"Oh my gosh, thank you very much! I will do my best and get some rest." (Lie)

Now I don't know if that was completely taking advantage of the situation or not, but it felt good.

I get back to my seat and start preparing lesson plans. Then I'm approached by 2 teachers and the Vice Principal.

"Uh, is this some sort of intervention?"
"Nicholas Sensei is tired.."
"Ohhhh so so so" (in unison)
"Ya.. don't worry about it, I'm going to start getting more rest. I'm really sorry about today."
"No no, don't worry about it. Everything is great, you just relax."
"Thanks...... guys?"

Go back to working on assignments. Then I get up to get my water.

"Hey Nicholas"
Holy shit! Jesus Christ...
"Kyoto Sensei.."
"I am thinking.."
"Yea?"
"Have you talked to a doctor?"
"No..."
"I have some drugs I can give you.."
-We take a several moments on me practicing the name of the medicine I can't even remember
"Uh. I think I am okay."
"Are you sure? I can help you.."
"I'm okay man, I really appreciate it though."

I go back to my desk, and after exhausting myself over one piece of shit worksheet I take out a book and begin to read. There's a hand on my shoulder..I turn around

"Kyoto Sensei, hello.."
"I think, that maybe you are tired."
"Yeah man, we've been over this"
"Ya know, I'm your boss."
"Yep I know.."
"If you have any requests.. you can ask me, ya know like anything. Any requests. Days off etc. We don't need your company.
"You are my boss, a very good boss, I love you."
"Good luck"

Man this day is working out better then I thought it would. I thought I was going to be royally fucked, but instead I'm being offered royalties! Drugs, requests, interventions. This is great.

At the end of the day I was tutoring one of Iwasaki Sensei's students for his College English Exam. And he said to me, "Shes rearry cute huh?"
"Woah kid, you're not telling me anything new, ya know the real reason why I couldn't sleep last night? It was because I was thinking about your teacher. All night I was fighting a massive hard on. Every time I rolled over in my sleep my dick would jam into the futon. I'd wake up in a bit of pain. Now today my bone throne is throbbing. Every throb is a reminder that yes, your teacher is rearry cute."

And btw, yes I gave this point to me, for once I think my charm did something positive.

Japan 7 - Nick 3

2009-06-30T08:14:00.001-07:00

Generosity Killed the Gaijin

Yo, this is a substance post so I'm sorry for all those that wanted me to talk about mindless poop jokes and vagina monologues.

By the title one should be able to figure out this post is about generosity. I was originally going to award this point to me, for being so damn charming. But let's face it, it's the Japaneses generosity that deserves the credit. This charm did absolutely nothing for me in the states, and it sure has hell doesn't work here either.

Anyway...

I could list a bunch of times the Japanese have offered services to help me but I'll give you the top 3 moments that have really left in impact on me.

#3

This takes a little to explain so I hope you'll bear with me.

About three weeks ago I was carrying a large paper bag of tomatoes (you'll find out about those later) to the train station. I was planning on using the tomatoes to help make fish tacos. The tomatoes broke through the bottom of the paper bag and went all over the concrete. My neighbor was outside, ran inside grabbed a few plastic bags and helped me pick up about 20 tomatoes, then gave me two Mikans (oranges) just for shits.

The following day I took her some Hershey's chocolate just to say thank you..

Two nights later I'm walking around with my buddy Jason and she must've heard two loud white guys walking around cause she ran outside with a bag of plums.

HAI DOZOOOO!!

Thanks lady...

This is the best though...

Its really effing humid here, I sweat all the time, I come out of the shower and I'm never dry. It goes from dripping shower water right to sweat.

So I sit in my guitar chair playing guitar in my underwear with the window open hoping to catch a breeze.. when something in the corner of my eye catches my attention.

"Holy shit you scared the shit outta me lady.."
"Chotto Matte.."

She comes back with a bag fool of vegetables. Then asks me what schools I work for etc. Really nice lady, but damn how did she know which window was mine! Crazy!!

#2

Do you like fishing?

Yah I like fishing man, I'm not great at it or anything but I enjoy it. I might (most likely) vomit on your boat, but after that I'll be great!

One of the teachers at my school has been featured in magazines for fishing. I guess he's a big deal. Anyway he invited me to go fishing with him on his boat.. how could I refuse?

Gives me a ride home, gives me about 20 tomatoes from his garden, I change, we go to dinner, he picks up the bill, what a gentleman, takes me to the boat and we set out into the Pacific Ocean towards China. Fucking China dude. Where the fuck am I living!?

Oh btw, this is night fishing.. apparently there's this fish he really enjoyes catching and it's only at night or whatever. So here I am on this boat in an ocean thats preparing for the perfect storm. Man I feel sea sick. Whatever fuck it.

God I'm retarded

We get to catching some fish after about 45 minutes.

Ugly mother fuckers. We caught a decent amount then it was time to gut and get them ready for tomorrow nights dinner.

Thanks for that fish brother... Oishikata. Or something like that.

#1

I joined a basketball club. Got me working out twice a week every week. The guys are all real nice and pretty well skilled for the most part. Anyway..

I've only been going for a week.

This one guy offers me a ride home so I don't have to take the train, sure why not.
We get into the car, and he's trying to communicate with me the best he can. We struggle with each others mutual broken language barrier. But we manage to get this out..

"Do you watch movies?"
"Yes I watch movies"
"Japanese or English?"
"English dude, I don't know Japanese"
"Hm hm hm... Adult movies?"
WTF!? Like rated R movies?!
"Yeah man, Terminator is pretty good..."
"No no... hmm (he gets out his phone.. it has an English translator on it, shows me the phone) 'Pink Movies'"
"Uhhh... yeah dude, I guess so man.. a little bit"
"Chotto matte"

He drives to his house, goes upstairs, comes back downstairs, jumps into the car, and throws this shit on my lap.

Japanese Bugs 1 - American bugs 0

2009-06-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

Time out (20 second) Back to Back!!!

2009-06-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the back to back time outs (what a pussy coach)

This had to be brought up before I actually make a meaningful post.

9:45 am - Sitting at my desk staring off into the wall. Out of the corner of my eye I see Iwasaki walking toward the copy room.
This is my chance!
I get up and walk over to copy room with some miscellaneous piece of shit paper.
"Hey how's it going?"
"hm hm okay. ehh how are you?"
"Pretty good, hey what are you doing this weekend? Like this Saturday?"
"Hmm... Saturday? .. Hmmmm mmm I don't know, why, why do you ask?"
"Well there's this bar-b-que going on this Saturday. And the last time I went I was able to con japanese girls to play spin the bottle and kiss me on the mouth. I figured if you went I might be able to sway you to do the same."
"Oh? Are there a lot of people going?"
"Yeah there should be. My friends are going, you can bring your friends. HEY! Bring that friend of yours that passed out at dinner the other night. She sounds like a lot of fun.
...
.
.

"I'll have to check my schedule, and get back to you."

*she walks out*

What the fuck just happened?
"I have to check my schedule?" Who the fuck taught her that shit? Where does she learn this English? Soap Operas? I'm flabbergasted.

10:00 am - Staring back at the wall.

Time out (20 second)

2009-06-22T07:09:00.000-07:00

There's this girl named Aoi (owww eee) and she's probably the nicest girl at my school. She always goes out of her way to say hi and ask how I'm doing etc. etc. She's one of the few people that actually try hard to speak English to me. So I appreciate it. One day while waiting for the bus I ran into her (yes I live in a small town). She was going into the restaurant where she works. She introduced me to the owner and a few workers. I told them I would come in eventually.

Well that time had come.

My friend Jason's cousin came into Japan to visit and I thought it would be a good idea for the three of us go to the Yaki Niku restaurant.

We get there, and there isn't a soul in the restaurant.

"This is a bad sign"

Anyway this story isn't about some shitty meat restaurant.

While at dinner Jason goes ahead and informs Aoi that I love her. Aoi has a boyfriend. Aoi doesn't care. I do. I swear I do. Well it doesn't even cross my mind. Eff OFF.

Anyway... the owner gave us free beer etc, they love the white men.

School today, I'm confronted by Aoi in the hallway, She's being her charming self as usual.. I see the boyfriend pass by... he gives me a dirty Japanese Samurai Kamikaze look. Fucker.

Later in the day, around 5th period, I'm confronted by the boyfriend in the hall!!

"Hello"
"Herro"
"How are you"
Deep stare
"Wivall"
"What??
"Wivvaall"
"What the fuck are you saying?"
"Rival, you are my rival."

Holy shit kid. Calm down. I don't want your girlfriend.

At least not for another 8 months I don't

;)

Japan 6 - Nick 3

2009-06-15T06:47:00.000-07:00

They All Look The Same

Man what a weird day...

*Wake up..*

Oh man, how come my alarm hasn't gone off yet? Hmm.. I wonder what time it is.. probably like 6 am..

*looks at clock*

7:58

what? That can't be right

7:58

Wait a minute

7:58

Holy fuck I've completely missed the train...

I hit a moment of clarity. I wasn't in any hurry. I walked down my ladder from my loft had a banana.. checked the train schedule, saw that the next one wasn't for about 40 minutes. Took my time getting ready, emailed my teacher telling her I would be late. Went to a bakery for some juice and a pastry, hung out, listened to some tunes.

I eventually got to school around 10 am. LOL. Everyone was real cool about it, accept for the vice principal (Kyoto Sensei). Well he was cool with me being late, but he wasn't cool with the facial hair I was sporting - So I've been trying to sneak in a beard, so the fuck what man? Just because you can't grow one. Anyway.. Guess I better go to the store and buy a beard trimmer after work.

I had no classes today. Zero!

I spent most of the day reading World War Z and writing love letters to Iwasaki.

There's a great Claremont shout out in this book.

Come the end of the day I'm gearing up to ditch work early when my love approaches me.

"Giunta Sensei, Semimaassseeennnn?"
"You're beautiful"
"I got you something, it's like a souveneir, I got in Kyoto."

It's upside down, sorry...

"It's a bunny and a Cherry blossom."
"Let's get married."

Fuck man I need to pull the trigger. The cookie was really hard to get open.

After work I take a quick shower to rinse off all the dry sweat that's accumulated on my hairy body from the fucking humidity in this country.

I start to bike ride up to a super market. I start looking around at all the shavers and beard trimmers. There was no lone beard trimmer, so I had to get an electric shaver with the trimmer attachement, damn thing cost me 50 bucks. It's an investment I tell myself (Whatever that means). I get to the counter and the cute cashier chick is looking at me weird... she keeps looking and smiling,.. looking... look away.. look back... smile.. look away...

"uhh hi"
"We uhh we meto on Saturday.."
"We did!? uhh uhh where?!"
"Shirahama beach."
"I think you got the wrong white person.."
She laughs
I give her my phone number anyway.

-Thank you to the white person with a beard that prepped this girl for me...

Anyway. That was my day, tomorrow should be good. If I can wake up on time..

Japan 6 - Nick 2

2009-06-14T07:16:00.000-07:00

It's Spreading...

YES!

Today we will be learning about California, children.
The kids eat this shit up.

But that's not the real story, the real story is what one kid had to say to me before the video started.

"Yes you have a question?"

"Do...do. do you like... doyoulike Iwasaki Sensei?"

"Yep"

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH"

***Iwasaki Sensei laughs it off...***

Go ahead and laugh... LAUGH IT UP!! GO AHEAD AND LAUGH IT UP!!!... but you're gorgeous I can't help myself.

This is the second kid who's called me out. Not a big deal right? Kids can see right through me, that's fine, just as long as she has no idea.

--------

Then tonight... Sunday night... Phone rings...

"Moshi Moshi"
"Giunta Sensei, it's Shoe."
"Hey Shoe what's up?
"You have been acting weird around the office..."
"I have? I'm sorry, is it the beard I'm growing? I'll buy a trimmer and shave it off come next week. Look man, I'm really tired, the other school I teach at, the kids have nicknamed me Manco. Which means pussy in Japanese. I'm going through a bit of culture shock and homesickness but I'll be cool, don't worry man. I'll pull it together I swear. I'll start going to bed a little earlier, eating a better breakfast and combing the hair. Or is it about how I leave hours on end to go to the bakery across the road. Look dude, I only have a few classes a day, the other hours I should be able to spend it however I like, so I go to the bakery for a cake or something. "
"Actually I was calling because I've noticed you've been spending a lot of time around Iwasaki Sensei..."
"Son of a bitch! You too? Is that obvious?! Jesus..."
"Yes I think maybe you love her, but she does not notice you"
"Yeah that's pretty accurate Shoe, and good English."

FUCK MAN

Now other teachers are starting to notice how much I dig this teacher.

I guess there's only one thing left to do, and that's invite her over to my shit-hole apartment to watch a movie she won't understand....

Time out (20 second)

2009-06-09T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yo,

Sorry I've been neglected the blog the past week. I guess I've been busy.. or pretending to be, or telling myself I am.. whatever I am, I am what I am.

Here's a short update for my loyal fans..

-I went kayaking on Saturday, I'm burnt to a crisp.

-I finished reading Heart of Darkness, probably the wrong book to read in complete solitude

- I got an HJ at a bar from a bartender, while she was working.

- I am called "Cola-san" at one bar I go to because I get Coca Cola every time I go.

- I went night fishing last night, got sea sick, cooked the fish tonight.

- Sea sick while I woke up this morning, was told by multiple faculty members including the vice principal, that I looked terrible.

- Year book pictures were today.

- Tried to sing Country Roads with one of my classes, turned out to be a (shitty) solo performance.

- The teacher I have a crush on gives me candy after school sometimes...

- Thought I saw a hicky on the neck of the teacher I have a crush on (sadness).

- Haven't masturbated in over 2 weeks.

- Haven't cleaned my bathroom in 2 weeks...

- My foot is covered with mosquito bites. COVERED.

- I spend about a solid 3 hours working everyday.

- I spend about a solid 4 hours a day reading or researching grad school.

- I haven't had a solid poop in a week.

- Solid

Japan 5 - Nick 2

2009-06-01T04:01:00.001-07:00

Ask me a Question, in English, you smart ass…

I worked along side of the teacher I (mentally) make out with today. Oh Iwasaki Sensei, you’re so hot..

As part of my introduction to a class I pass around small pieces of paper and ask the students to please write a question in English. No name is necessary, just a question, anything you want to ask: How old are you? Do you have a girlfriend? When was the last time you washed that shirt? Anything is okay, as long as it’s in English… I haven’t washed this shirt since I’ve been here.

I get a lot of the same questions. Here they are in rank of questions asked. (I’ll save the trouble of deciphering broken English, so I’ll do it for you)

5. How tall are you?

4. What sport do you like?

3. What Japanese food do you like?

2. Do you have a girlfriend?

1. How old are you?

Everyone here thinks I’m 35. I could be because I’m becoming increasingly out of shape, and don’t shave. Or maybe it’s because no one in this country looks a day older then 14.

Sadly the bell rang and I was not able to go through all of the questions, but I do find them really entertaining, so I brought them back to the office to go through them.

How old are you?

What food do you like Japanese?

What sport the best?

….

Then this gem..

…

!!! What the hell!?

Do I like the English teacher!? Is it that obvious that a 15 year old Japanese boy can see right through me!? AH God I’m transparent!

That smart ass..

Yes I like your English teacher, she’s fucking sexy. Do you see what she wears to school?

Hotsu Hotsu. I know you’re thinking it too man. I know it!

Got a few other good ones as well..

Do you play sex?

Hmm.. I'm not sure what you mean by this kid. Does "play sex," mean do I masturbate habitually in front of the computer watching hentai pornography sent to me by Michael Lu? Then the answer is yes. If your question is referencing if I "Have sex," then the answer is an emphatic no. I have found that the penis is somewhat like a car battery, you don't use for it a while and it just doesn't know how to start up anymore. Oh well, at least I can still pee out of it.

Then the worst question of all... . . .

Nicolas cage is your friend?...

To be continued...

God > Japan - Nick

2009-05-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

Thank You God For Listening to Me

Thursday: 3 classes down one more to go,
6th period.

The class that is terrible every time I have it. No one listens to me at all. Most students either put their head down on the desk or just talk with the neighbor. Some girls flirt with me, thank God for that, or else I'd completely hate the class too.

Today was a little different. There's a punk ass Drift King who sits in the back of class and is always obnoxious. I hate obnoxious people with ugly hair cuts. What's ugly? I know I don't have the best fashion sense, but this guy is a dick. Long hair into a pony tail with racing stripes along the side of his head. I hate when people with ugly hair cuts punk me. It's awful! So Humiliating, I only can compare it to farting in front of the girl you like? I dunno. ANYWAY
He'll stand up in the middle of class and just yell at the top of his lungs just to be a cock. So what did he do today to make my life miserable?

We were playing this great game called "Hot Potato," ball goes around the room and the person who has the ball when the music shuts off has to answer a few questions in English.
Ball is going around the room, no one really cares, it's circulating.. going.... going... gets to the Drift King, and he throws it out the door out into the hallway.

You DICK! (at that very moment my phone vibrates)

I couldn't help but laugh a little bit, but once that period was over I wasn't having any of it. The Japanese teacher tried to come up to me after class and talk with me, and I told her how I felt... first time I've talked to a teacher without slowing down my words etc. I'm sure only about 6 words registered during my tirade. Sorry Taguchi Sensei. Jesus Christ can't I catch a break?

I check my phone that went off during class.

"First case of N1h1 in Wakayama, brace yourself"

Thank GOD! Swine flu has come to rescue me from the clutches of these teenage cock suckers.

That night at my house the giant loudspeaker that normally warns the town of Typhoons is talking about something... I'm sure it has something to do with swine flu.

I go to sleep in hopes that school is canceled tomorrow.

-----

Wake up this morning, no message about school being canceled, SONOFABITCH.

Head to the train station with my umbrella, the wind and rain is blowing pretty hard.
There's no one here at the station, did I miss the train?
Train shows up.. There's hardly anyone on it. Normally I'm shoulder to shoulder with students (you have seen the pictures).

I get off at the station and get to the bus stop.. there's no one there. I'm the only person on the bus. While on the bus I see a few students bicycling to school.
Dammit there's school today.
Then I see the students pedaling back home.
YES!
I get off the bus, one student comes up to me.. "school... no.. no school"
!!!!!!
My prayers HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!!!

I get into the office and everyone is sitting there with smiles on their faces. It looks like school has been canceled due to the high winds and "Typhoon Weather." Apparently during the months of July - August I'm in for some awesome typhoons, I can't wait.

I left school, got lunch and enjoyed my day off... oh man... Thank you dickheaded race striped hair cut Drift King mother fucker.
And thank you Jesus.

Japan 4 - Nick 2

2009-05-25T05:39:00.000-07:00

A Singles Bar B Que?

What happens in the mountains of Japan...

The park was pretty far into the mountains. It took forever. I stopped at a convenient store half way up and was lucky enough to find an Orange Gatorade! YES

Anyway one I arrived cover in sweat from the humidity and the bike ride I was greeted with a name tag, "Jason, Is this a singles night in Japan.."
"Gold"
"Gold"

All you can eat and drink bar b que and mingling? IN THE MOUNTAINS!?

I've read about this in a book given to me by amizle patizle. This should work out great. It should.. in theory.

Food

Food was great, couldn't complain. Chicken and vegetables on the grill. Everyone had enough booze to make Toby and Steve Sheldon jealous.
Ya know how it starts:
Everyone is at their separate tables... men and women separated. I've spoken about this so many times before, the Japanese woman is a wild horse that needs time to be tamed.

Couple more drinks... some talking.. and cake..

Yeah nice and slow

Feeding cake turns into....

Licking cake off the face

Look how happy this guy looks..

numnmmnummm

Oh cake you've never tasted so good in my life. In my life.

Jason: Nick that was awesome.
Nick: Yeah I know, we need to think of another way....

Spin tuhhh bodddiillll

HAHA.

There was a circle of 20 frightened, yet terrified Japanese. Iwo Jima.
So hot.
I haven't seen people this excited about spin the bottle since we were 13. And they've never heard of this game. It was so good. They couldn't understand english either of course. So how do you explain spin the bottle? You just show them.

Go han go yo.... I can't remember how we said it. "meet in me in the woods in 5"

Finally fucking Christ. It's about time you're mingling with Japanese chicks, for a second I thought you only went for the Hong Kong Dong.

Dude it's not easy, but it's fun... here's a snippit

Alright Alright Alright.

Hey girl it's okay. We do this all the time in America.
But it's the bathroom, its dirty..
No it's not girl, it get cleaned way more then those woods over there.
Well I don't know...
We can prop your leg up on the toilet..
It's a squat toilet...

Plan ruined
Damn you Japan.
The bathroom is my #1 place to hook up. Everyone knows this! Apparently you didn't do your homework Japan... or maybe...
Maybe I can find a new way for the squat toilet to accommodate my sexual needs. oooooooo man!

Ride home...

You scared Japan? I'm creeping up on that score..

God so many people probably hate me right now.

Japan 4 - Nick 1

2009-05-21T05:51:00.000-07:00

Man I Love Your Blog!!!

.. kinda..

Here are a few quotes..

"Your blog keeps crashing my work comp." - Amit

"

like mu (1:29:01 AM): dude

like mu (1:29:09 AM): i was reading your blog yesterday

Snoch is Dead (1:29:24 AM): ye

like mu (1:29:25 AM): and i got to the part where you were checking out digicam pix with your crush/supervisor

like mu (1:29:33 AM): and then the king of crumbs part

like mu (1:29:37 AM): and i was laughing out loud

Snoch is Dead (1:29:38 AM): mhmm

like mu (1:29:41 AM): and had to contain myself

like mu (1:29:50 AM): since our president is in the office

Snoch is Dead (1:29:59 AM): i lolve it

like mu (1:30:03 AM): and one of the VPs from detroit too

like mu (1:30:12 AM): i seriously was lol, then
"- Michael Lu

"I fucking hate your blog, it annoys me, I wish I didn't read it"

- Sarah Boccaccio

" I was having such a bad day at work, then I read your blog, and it made me feel a little better"
- Some girl from Wales. . Whales? Welsh? Welches grape soda?

--------

I'm happy everyone is enjoying the blog. Or at least reading it while at work.
I think it's funny how some people have stories about reading the blog at work.. Amit, Michael, I think Austin mentioned something to me briefly. To anyone that goes to Glendora High and reads this, do not read this at school, Jesus, the last thing I need is a phone call from Kelly Bruce, or Spanglor telling me to get in line.

If any of you have an experience with the blog (My god it sounds like I'm working)

Please

write

a

Comment, Kuuuuuhhhhhh MMMIINNNNTTTT

About

An

Experience

Youuuu (pointing at you)

with

the

blog (pretending to type on nothing)

JESUS CHRIST

You should see some of the gestures I make while teaching.
Whisltes, clapping, shaking, grabbing, slapping, pinching..... k the last three are only in my head

Write!

Japan 4 - Nick 0

2009-05-18T07:33:00.000-07:00

Congratulations on Surviving 2 months!!

This entry is dedicated to all the crackers, and honkies I met during training in Tokyo.

What we were to expect of the Orient? Most of us didn't speak a lick of Japanese (most of us still don't) . We came from all over the globe, California, West Virginia, New Zealand, Cleveland##, Chicago, England. And ….Wales? With the common purpose of traveling.

This question was thrown around a lot during the two weeks of training: “So what brought you to Japan?”

The answers varied: “Oh ya know, just wanted to see a different country,”

“I am an FBI agent*”

“I love Japan, this is my # time here”

“I can't find a fucking job in this godforsaken economy, so I said 'fuck it.'”

“My girlfriend/boyfriend broke up with me, I was going no where in life, so I decided to go nowhere in a different country.”

“I'm just looking for a gurrrl to suck on mehh balls homie,” (That sounds like Hanah!)

Answers varied, but the reason was the same. It was time to get out of dodge.

We would sit through whole days of training. Training so boring it made me start to ponder ridiculous erroneous equations...

Who in training is desperate enough to make out with me?...

Who would win in a fight...a shark, or a tiger

I wonder what color her underwear is...

I wonder if anyone can see my boner...

Once the mind numbing training was over the fun began

This is a great picture of some of us packed in the back of a bus on the way to downtown Narita.

Of course we find a “British pub” to go to. But in our defense it was 10% on drinks or something.

And does anyone know what happened to this couple? He was the coolest Aussie I've met with a shirt on.

Once everyone got their placement, there was a small group of rejects left called, “The Alternates.” They put us all in one hallway. Wooaah* it doesn't get much better then this.

This was basically vacation with some of the coolest people in the program. We all lived right next door to each other. It was a party 24/7.

Go see some sights in Tokyo in the morning,

Get dinner in the evening.

At night the girls would drink wine out of paper cups till 2 in the morning.

Then I'd try to convince them that I'm great at oral sex.

Then sadly day by day each of us would be placed. The dreaded phone would ring with instructions for a new Alternate to leave. WE WERE DROPPING LIKE FLIES. Then one day, I got my instructions to head down to Tanabe. Bogus*.

We all work in our schools now. Getting “Kancho'ed” by some students. Getting hit on by others (or maybe that's the same thing..) Trying to teach a language no one is interested in, including the school staff. Weekend outings include getting naked with fellow teachers, watching school staff get drunk, or having diarrhea at a girls house at 3 am.

Culture shock has set in for some! Yelling at people in convenience stores, getting hit by a car while riding your bike, not wanting to leave your Leo Palace.

It's exhausting. Learning a new language, adjusting to a new job, meeting new friends. Everything takes a large amount of energy. Simple conversations have become a tiresome task of hand gestures, translation books and facial expressions. Meeting new friends can blow too. Especially if you don't speak any Japanese. This means you almost HAVE to become friends with the other English speakers, no matter how lame they can be. Process of elimination. Mi casa su casa.Vio con Dios*. Talk about desperation...

Anyway!

This is what we wanted.

To get the hell out of dodge.

The culture shock, the shitty job, the shitty white friends, getting naked with fellow teachers, and getting hit by a car are all moments that make this experience gold (liquid gold).

So congratulations everyone! WE SURVIVED TWO MONTHS IN JAPAN!!!

*Made popular by Keanu Reeves

Japan 4 - Nick -1

2009-05-13T05:34:00.000-07:00

Lost in Translation.

Most days I come into work and I look terrible. I thought that was normal. A lot of coworkers come up to me..

Too bad I can't squat and sleep huh?

“Oh.. Giunta Sensei, Shindoi?

“Uhh.. sure ya. Hai hai hai,”

What the hell did that mean? Whatever, I’m going to continue to stare at the wall for the next 30 minutes before class starts. Then another person comes up to me.

“Ohayo Gazaimaaaasssssssssss”

“ohio”

“Oh Giunta Sensei… Shindoi?”

“hai hai, shindoi, whatever.”

Man what the hell does that mean! I checked my zipper, my fly was up, checked my breath and armpits, both stink, but not terribly strong…

“Oh oh oh Giunta sensei, Shindoi means you look very tired, sleepy.”

Oh… well yeah I’m fucking tired, its 8:30 in the morning, give me a break.

Heres the thing though.. I kind of suspect Shindoi to mean a little more then what they tell me. The Japanese don’t tell all at once. They cant be trusted most of the time.. here's another example.

“Uhhh Giunta Sensei, me anda soma friends.. are uh thinking abouta going into Onsen this weekend, uhhh woojoo like to join?”

“naw man, I can’t..”

“Ohh uhh why notuh”

Because I’m tired of getting naked in front of Japanese dudes that’s why.

Aaaahhh you Faggot I knew you look!!

Shut the fuck up.

I’ve been in this country for about two months and Ive seen too much penis. My penis to vagina ratio is terribly unbalanced at this moment.

Penis - 16

Vagina - 0

Boob(s) - 1 (Some office lady bent over right in front me)

“actually its because I don’t have a lot of money right now.. Im waiting on pay day. Sorry”

“ohhh.. Bimbo des ka?”

“Ya sure.. Bimbo des..”

“Hahaha psahahwahh” “bwahaha bimbo deska ashdahhugehg 3$$$42$”#”$”

“What does that mean anyway?”

“Oh Giunta Sesnei, it means you are poor, no money.”

For some reason I think it means something else…

Few days later someone else outside of school asks if I wanted to hang out

“Cant, bimbo des”

“.. you have no home?”

What the fuck, “I thought that meant I have no money”

“Oh it means more like you are bum, no home, no money, no clothes, get a hold of your life Giunta Sesnei.”

Son of a bitch lied to me. I knew it meant something more then just being broke. I may be broke but Im not living on the streets yet. Cut me some slack Japanese. Jesus.

LIVE UPDATE:

The Karate teacher just sat down next to me. And asked me to try Karate. I'm down. I'm going to make an ass out of myself but I'm down. These 17 year old Jap-o's are going to seriously punch the shit out of me. I'm hoping with a little practice I can punch through a wooden board. Hm. Plus this may be a good way to earn respect from the kids. Or completely annihilate any respect I had prior. I either kick the shit out of a kid and they think I'm awesome, or I get the shit kicked out of me and they think I'm a total bitch (more so).

The deadliest art of the orient is now in the hands of an American.

That's so funny I didn't have to alter it.

Mailbag 1

2009-05-08T07:27:00.000-07:00

Q: Hey Nick, I heard they pack people into trains like sardines, is this true? - Ramil

A: Hey Ramil.
Yes, in morning rush hour the trains are insane. Well in Tokyo they are. Down here in Wakayama they can't touch Tokyo with a ten foot pole. Here's a picture I tried to take one an average trip. This isn't rush hour.

It was hard to get a decent photo off. As you can clearly see someone was right up against me blocking my shot. It's strangely quiet in the trains. No one talks, and no one looks you in the eye. Its kind of like having sex with me. Pretty uncomfortable but gets the job done (sometimes).

Question #2
Q:How come all the culture shock you get is from toilets? - Ryan Easton

A: Well Ryan, ya see I'm not Asian which means a couple things...
I don't suck at basketball (except you JEFF!!! you're my boy!!1)
I have hair on my balls. (Sorry Jenny)
I don't squat when I take a shit.

Question #3
Q: How's your job? - Robyn Diego

A: Sucks

Question #4
Q: Have you gotten an RBJ (rough blow job)? - Amit Patel

A: Dear Amit,

I wish I could say yes to this. There's no bigger turn on then hearing a girl gasp for air while going down on you. You don't have to send me any pr0n. I know you got like 8 gigs of that shit on your computer. You can keep your RBJ's and GBH's to yourself.

On a more serious note, I went to an Indian restaurant and had some curry, and it was delicious!

The funny part was the waitress is a student of mine. She told me she hated English.
So I asked her about the hicky on her neck, trying to embarrass her.
She told me it was a curling iron burn, and that she gets hickies on her chest, not her neck. Damn girl.

And the question everyone is asking me.

Q: HOW ARE THE GIRLS?

A: In a word, terrible.

Explanation: I hate to bitch, and make excuses for the lack of my gash slaying but this is my blog. I wish I could say that every time I show the size of my girth they run screaming, but sadly that's not the case.

Here's the confusing part...

The Japanese culture is so gracious and overly polite it makes everything else so damn confusing. Don't get me wrong, I love it, I think it's great. My cracker friends aren't nearly as nice as these Japanese strangers. The problem lies with the women. The women are overly nice to me as well.

So when women that I work with call me handsome (Austin) I just take it with a grain of salt. Because they say that shit because it's what they're supposed to say. And it doesn't mean a thing. God damnit I'm beginning to sound like I grew a vagina. Maybe I did... I think I'm menstruating. Maybe I'll give myself some pussy... mmm bloody vagina.

What I should do is go for a westerner.

Dude what the fuck!? You're in Japan! Don't do that shit! Find some super submissive Japanese girl to blow you while she's cooking breakfast!

K listen to me though...

The western girls are stuck right?! I mean, they're in Japan, a totally misogynistic country where the women have little to no rights. They're not going to go for Japanese men, and Japanese men are such pussies that they wouldn't go for a strong foreigner woman.

After a couple months of marinating, these girls have to start getting desperate right?

That's where I step in.

This hairy piece of ass is going to look GOLDEN compared to anything else this country has to offer. BAM!

Of course If anything happens I'll let you guys know. And I'll try to take pictures too of course.

Japan 5 - Nick -1

2009-05-06T04:43:00.001-07:00

I ate shit on my bike today.

Those points leave as fast they come...

That's right. I fell of my bike for the first time today.

You have a bike? You fag, I bet you love that seat riding up your ass!

Ya well you're right. I do have a bike. And as far as the ass goes. It used to get real sore after riding it, but I think some scar tissue has developed. Now I ride around pain free.

I woke up this morning around 11 am. It's the last day of my vacation so I thought to myself, "I'm gana bike ride to the bakery, get a few pastries, drink some orange juice and watch the NBA playoffs from my computer!"

It was lightly raining outside so I figured I better hurry the fuck up! Better bike as fast as I can before it starts pouring.

I pop that bitch into third gear and start pedaling like I have one testicle.

"Oh hey, there's a some steel filters in the street, I should be able to ride on those.."

Totally skid out, fell, tumbled 3 times, probably slid about 10-15 feet onto oncoming traffic.

The people that work at the gas station ran outside and began yelling at me in Japanese. I'm sure they were asking if I was ok. I'm sure of it..

oowwwwwwiieee

I thought about turning back and going home, but then I would miss out on my pastries!! And when an American wants some sugar and bread for breakfast he gets it!

I realized there's a pharmacy near the bakery so I would stop there first, get some supplies, band aids and what not.

I get to the pharmacy and I'm limping a little bit. I walk in covered in rain, limping, and a honkie. Everyone was staring. Showed some kid my bleeding knee and he pointed me in the direction of the supplies.

ANYWAY

Eventually made it to the bakery, bought my pastries. God damnit.

For anyone that has actually been following this blog since day one (which is probably no one), why is it that I always seem to eat whenever I'm upset? I'm like that fat chick who eats because she's upset, and is upset because she eats. I mean think about it. I eat when I have a bad class at school. I eat when the cute teacher finds my toilet pictures, and I eat when I fall off my bike. hmm...

I eventually made it back to my apt, washed my knee and took some pictures for you guys

Yah I was wearing sandals, that's why I'm cut on the foot. Dumb ass from CA

Stupid.

Anyway.

Got to watch some of the NBA playoffs from the comp. Had to watch the Denver Dallas game. I guess it's better then nothing, I was really hoping to watch Bron Bron, but the Denver 'Thugg'ets will have to do.

BTW.

I'm going to start fielding some questions. If anyone has a particular question you'd like me to answer in this blog please send me a comment, or email if you know the email. Anything is fair game, such as "How many temples have you seen?" to "How many cocks do you suck a month?"

It's all good.

Japan 5 - Nick 0

2009-05-04T05:48:00.000-07:00

What do a drinking party, Steve Sheldon, a girl's house, and diarrhea have in common? A lot more then one would think ...

Whenever a new school year starts the school throws an "Enkei." Which essentially is a drinking party with tons of traditional Japanese food, and endless booze. The object of this party is to introduce new staff and get tanked.

(oh and before I continue I would like to apologize because I did not bring my camera to the event, so no pictures, I'm sorry)

I don't really want to go into details of the Enkei because they're quite boring. Just know that it's rude to serve yourself. One must wait for others to offer more to eat and drink. Which I thought was going to be a problem, but it wasn't at all. There was someone at my table every other minute.

"Giunta-sensei, beeru?... oh waa.. Coca Cola?"

Oh man then the real confusion starts..

"Hai, Gominasai, ei beeru" (Yea sorry, no beer)

Everyone stared at me like I had shit smeared across my face.
I could see it in their eyes..

"What do you mean you don't drink? You're an American! You're supposed to be pillaging our woman, and drinking our beer. What gives.."

I didn't have the heart or time to tell them about Steve Sheldon.

Who the fuck is Steve Sheldon?

Okay here it goes. ...

Long long ago in a place called SDSU...

(God damn I wish UCI was like that, I mean, look at that chick's ass in the blue. That's fuckin ridiculous. The closest thing I ever got this at UCI was peeping my neighbor. Who lived with her boyfriend. My cousin once told me that San Diego was a breeding ground for hot chicks. I have to agree with him. Thank you Jason for all the priceless knowledge you bestowed upon me, such as, never date a softball player cause one day they'll get huge.)

Where the hell was I?

STEVE SHELDON!

Mere words can hardly graze the surface of Steve Sheldon.. If I had to make a description of such an immortal using ABC's TGIF Friday night line up, it would go something like this..

Stefan Urkel from Family Matters, Meets. . .

Cody from Step by Step, meets...

Shawn the bad ass from Boy meets World (they don't make TV like they used to)

I went to visit my cousin Jason Purkiss at SDSU at the tender age of 15. 15 years old! I couldn't handle this shit! It's like throwing a virgin into the Bangbus. I exploded.

I drank beer with my cousin that night. I don't think we did anything great. Probably just watched skate videos and drank. Or went to Trish's house and watched her play with her dog. I don't remember exactly. But what I do remember is this.!!1

**falling asleep...*
almost there... so tired.. SDSU is so cool, I can't wait for college...

** House Phone Rings! **

what the, what the fuck...

"Hello?"
"Who is this!?.. Is this the cousin..."
"Uh,.. yah this is Jason's Cousin Ni.."
"I know youre name little boy!! And let me tell you, I like little boys, a lot"
*CLICK*

Oh god..

-+- 15 minutes later, I'm asleep -+-

THERES A LOUD NOISE AT THE DOOR I SUDDENLY WAKE UP!! SOMEONE HAS JUMPED ON MY BACK HUMPING ME LIKE A RABBIT.

I honestly don't remember anything after that moment. I think my body went into survivial mode. It's the moment that rape victims often to speak of... I wasn't in my body. It felt as if I was above my body looking down watching the rape unfold. I think the body does this to block out traumatic events.

So whenever people say, "Hey Nick. Why don't you drink.?"
Steve Sheldon
"Hey Nick, Why don't you stop being such a pussy and have a beer?"
Steve Sheldon
"Hey Nick, Why don't you get drunk so I can ass hole rape you?"
Steven Sheldon

That's what I couldn't tell the Japanese. They were nice enough to serve me Coke and Oolong tea with the traditional Japanese food.

The food was a mix of beef, vegetables, ramen, sashimi, tempura, egg, raw egg, boiled egg, and more egg. The lady next to me was nice enough to explain the food in broken english and hand gestures. It didn't really matter, I ate it all.

Egg Custard

At the end of the party the teacher I have a crush on walked me out. "You are very handsome," "Why thank you, you are quite beautiful, but I have to catch the train.."
"Mhmm"
"The train..."
"Mhmm"
"ah forget it."

Once on the train on the way home I get an email on my phone from my friend Sara... "Hey I'm falling asleep, but you should come by and say hello.."

Fuck it man, what the hell else do I have to do. Grab my bike and head up to her house.

She was already laying on the futon by the time I get there.
Made a bunch of small talk while she was passing out.."How was the party? Oh that's cool, Did you drink? Why not?" Steve Sheldon

She falls asleep... I start to doze off myself untill ... . . . The proverbial growl..
GRRRRR rroooooo OOOONNNNNNN

Holy shit what the fuck... I need some fresh air...

Fresh air isn't helping, oh man. I shouldn't have eaten all that EGG!!1 god damnit Japanese. Why do you love Egg so much.

I check to see if she really is asleep. She is. Good. I grab the water out of the fridge and start to drink it.. Still not feeling too hot. I jump on her computer to kill some time thinking the shit sweats will go away. No. Oh god.

Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.

There's only one way out of this mess. And that's the messy way out. Close the door to her tatami mat room. Go into the bathroom. Open that bathroom window. And let go.

Dude it was terrible. I could just imagine the egg custard pouring out. The worst part wasn't the diarrhea. It was the sporadic moments of blasting gas. If I had to make a chart of some sort..

DIA, DIA, DIA... GAS, GAS, DIA, GAS, DIA, DIA, . ...... . GAS! dia...

Oh my, I had to wake her up with all that blasting..

Check to see if she's still asleep. She is. Good.

Just to make sure the stomach ache has subsided I sat on her computer for another 45 minutes or so talking with Lance Easton.

Gone.

Got on my bike at 4 am and rode home in the rain. ... . That was a little uncomfortable..

Japan... your food has defeated me.

Steve Sheldon...

What was that?

2009-05-01T06:56:00.000-07:00

It's hard to understand you...

errrrr win

You win?

eerrr in

I'm in?

yyyerrr innnn

Urine?!

err... Bodily waste..

Yeah yeah, that's urine. Why are you asking me about that?

Tuh stewdents arr lurning about yerrrinnn

Oh great. That's really neat.

I mean usually have a hard time understanding everyone while they try to speak English, but this one was awesome. I couldn't believe she was trying to say "Urine." What's better is when I'm trying to verify what she said.

Piss?

Hai

Like, going to the bathroom...

Hai, HMM

Golden shower?

Hai Hai Hai

There's so many moments when I'm sure they have no clue what's going on and they nod. What's worrisome is I'm sure I do the exact same thing.
I could say anything right now, like "You want my American balls on your face,"
"Hai Hai, hmm hmm"

Damn.

I wonder if they do the same thing..
I could say anything right now like "You want my Jap-o balls on your face."
"Yeah I do because I love balls on my face"
"HAHA yeewww so gay!"

Oh what the fuck.

If I'm not having diarrhea at a girls house at 3 in the morning, I'm getting balls on my face from some high school brat.

-don't worry I'll write about the diarrhea at the girls house later.

Oh man and Japanese Schools!! What a fucking joke!! I seriously can 't get into that right now. It's 11:10 pm on a friday night, and i'm about to go to sleep because I'm fucking sick.

It's great being sick right now btw.

"Giunta sensei?! Yeww don'ta looka too gooda"
"Yah I'm fucking sick"
"You are froma Califourna?.. that is a close to a Mexico? Maybe you have the swine?"
"Yah maybe I do, maybe you should send me home early for once.."

I don't know what it is about the Japanese and not wanting to take a day off EVER! They won't do it! They think they can magically heal from green tea, ginger, and wearing this shit...

This will not save you...and no I will not wear one.

Okay That was just a bit of a rant, I hope everyone has a great weekend. And for those in Japan I hope you have a good Golden Week. I'm fucking broke and sick so I'll be here at the apartment playing with my tambourine and listening to the new records I bought from the recycle store. More on that later.

Japan 4 - Nick 0

2009-04-28T18:16:00.000-07:00

On the board, finally after a god damn month here in Japan

I guess I should apologize for the lack of blogging to those that actually check this site.
I know most of you have nothing else to do at work, and love seeing my daily mishaps so don't worry I'll post more often.

My Daily Work Routine

I wake up around 7:00 am, eat one banana, drink some orange juice, put on a suit and tie, and walk to this train...

This picture makes it look way bigger then it actually is. In fact that is the whole train. I think it's about 4 cars? Ah, the best part is it's filled with my students who are going to the same place. "Good mowwnninng" over and over.

Once off the train I walk with a ton of students to the school.
You gotta appreciate the uniforms.

Get the hell out of my WAY! I'm going to be late for the meeting!

A shrine or temple on the way to school.

Oh man how fucking cool! A temple! I wish I was there man, I wish I was you!

Hold your horses man I know you wish were me getting naked with your teachers, but in honesty, there are shrines EVERYWHERE. I could toss a rock over my head and the chances of me hitting a shrine, temple, or someone smoking a cigarette or ridiculously high.

A: The vice principals

Once I get to work this is what it looks like. This is the office. It's fucking insane. This is probably the biggest difference from teaching in the states. Teachers don't have their own rooms here. They share an office like any other company/business. Once the bell rings they go to a room and teach, then back to the office. Which I guess sounds like a University. BUT, atleast you get your own office at a University (most the time). Here I'm sharing the same office as a ton of other teachers, including both vice principals..

Here's an advanced look at the office.
As you can clearly see I'm in the corner staring into a wall. The "C" represents my vice principals looming from a distance. And the "B" are the 3 public computers. I can't believe it. This is Japan and the whole office shares 3 public computers that are so fucking slow it drives me mad. I practically get caught checking my mail everyday because the damn computer doesn't react fast enough when I close windows.
Not only are there only 3 public computers, but there's no wireless either. If you want to bring your laptop if you have to log in through a LAN line and go through a bunch of horse shit. This is fucking Japan.
I thought they would just be passing out CD players, Playstations, and Computers like condoms in Africa.

Here's a picture of my desk:

A: Japanese names and words I hear constantly. Such as "Kyoto Sensei" - "Vice principal", "Ohayo Gazaimas" - "Good Morning", and "Shindoyie" "You seem tired"

B: A piece of cake given to me by my Vice principal, pretty nice huh?

C: A CD player that I listen to occasionally. I write down lyrics while listening to whatever and tell everyone that, "Yes I'm preparing lyric lessons for the kids" (wrong).

D: Yes that is the wall. I am in the back corner of the whole office staring at a god damn white wall. There is a picture of myself on the wall so everyone knows this is the Honkie's desk. And one of my Dad and sister, just because I miss Jiggaboo Gina.

Fuck man this post is boring, tell me something cool.

Alright, well here's a little taste of what I do inside the classroom...

The kids were learning how to introduce themselves in English. I gave them all cards with different names, locations, hobbies, and ages. They had to pretend to be that person etc. What the kids didn't know is that I made them all names of friends and family... so I got little Japanese kids going around saying ..

"Herrroo, My name is Lance Easton, what is yo naiiime?
I am tiiiirty fiffe years old... how old are you?
I am fwwwom China... Where are you fwwwom?
My hoooobby is cooking for my girlfriend, what is your hobby?

Priceless I tell you.

Then I usually have one class, and it normally goes pretty smooth. But today was not that day. I tried to make them get up and use the cards to introduce themselves, but everyone instead just passed the cards around writing down the answers. Slackers (I'll write a blog later about how schools are not what I thought they would be like in Japan).

So of course what do I do when a class doesn't go the way I wanted it too? I ditch.

Now the damn school is a closed campus

I have to find another way out...

!!

Through some shrubbery in the back I found this little gem. Sneak around the fountain, jump a ledge and I'm gone to the bakery.

Oh yes, nothing quite like a pastry in the morning after defeat. Everything is pretty tasty. Here's the dude that makes it. He was nice enough to smile for the picture in his 'Water' T shirt.

YES!

Back to reality at the office. I decide to go on the PC and check my mail.

A: What the fuck?
What the hell do those buttons do? I'm not entirely sure, but whenever my finger accidently slips and hits it, it takes ages for it to return to English.

Oh yes, the teacher I have a crush on sits right next to me and starts going through my camera with me...

God damn your skin looks so soft, those lips are just screaming for me, please come back to my house and jump on the futon with me...

"Giunta San.. uhh.. ohhh.. uhh.. Nani? (what's this)"

GOD DAMNIT!!

I wanted to tell her:

"It's not what it looks like baby I swear. I had to take a picture of this toilet because there's shit crumbs in it. The only person I know that leaves this many shit crumbs after he goes to bathroom is Aragon!! The King of crumbs! I took the picture to show him.. "

All was ruined.

But since we're on the subject of toilets!...

I have to admit, I am quite juvenile when it comes to setting the juice loose in the public spaces. I just can't help it. Whenever someone is dropping the juicy duecey in a stall, and I can hear it? I lose it every time. (Ask Toby about our trip to Phoenix).

So here's the thing, look at the door to the bathroom at work:

....

WTF

There's no bottom to the door. You can see people walking by as you're hitting the urinal. It's fucked up! There's hardly any privacy. What if someone real short walks by and see's the show?

Now to the toilet, which I know I've exhausted but I still can't get enough of..

Okay, Okay.

I lose my cool in the states whenever someone is actually sitting on the throne blasting away. But squatting? Can you imagine how hard it is NOT to laugh when someone is squatting, dropping bombs into one of those things? IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

Onto the lunch room:

A: Our great ventilation system.

Apparently the school's budget is too low to actually afford some air conditioning. So we do what any other school would do and this is to strap office desk fans to a ceiling. Couldn't we have gotten actual CEILING fans?

Here are the lunch ladies, I love them. They make my "KerrayRis" Curry and rice so good.

I love the lady that is trying to duck out of the picture.. haha YOU CAN'T ESCAPE!

The one great thing about the school is how clean it is..
It's not like in the US where every hall way is filled with trash, bathrooms tagged with graffiti and toilets sprinkled with shit (though I will admit, it did add to my adolescent experience).

The reason why Japanese schools are so damn clean is because the students are forced to clean it! Here's a picture of the students putting trash in bins with the janitor:

And finally the lone bus station..

Job well done Nicholas.
You've made it to Japan and you somehow make it through the daily grind that forces most Japanese through a window, or in the path of an oncoming train. I'm proud of you. And for this you earn your first point.

Time Out (30 second)

2009-04-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

The past 24 hours have been nuts, here's a pictorial ...

Japan 4 - Nick -1

2009-04-15T04:46:00.000-07:00

First Lesson

Noun

S: (n) culture shock (a condition of disorientation affecting someone who is suddenly exposed to an unfamiliar culture or way of life or set of attitudes"

- Definition according to Princeton.edu

“There will be times when you hate the Japanese. When everything and everyone around you will do nothing but make you angry. This is due to culture shock and/or being homesick.”

- Speaker during training

“My best advice to you would be: Don’t let this job get under your skin. The kids will not like you. They will not like your class. Most will completely ignore you and fall asleep."

- Julian Smith, ALT whose position I took over

“There were a few times where I.. I uh… I have blown up on people. Like the guy at the convenient store, he couldn’t understand me at all. ‘You’re a fucking retard!’ I screamed. I.. uh.. I was having a bad day”

- Sarah Boccaccio, Japanese English Teacher

None of that seemed relevant to me until today.

Today was to be my introduction day. A whole class devoted to me; anything and everything about me. I thought today would have been a breeze; juniors in high school taking oral composition. Children that have been learning English since the 1^stfucking grade. I walk into class with all my supplies, and greet them with a Seinfeld-esque “HEELLLOOO”

-Crickets..

“My name is Nick - o – las June-tah”

-Crickets die of famine

Jesus Christ throw me a bone. I immediately toss on some of my favorite music (The Chariot), and passed out pictures from back home. The children thought I was crazy for the music, but they absolutely loved the beard I had in my pictures. Maybe it’s due to the complete lack of facial hair in this country. I grow enough hair on my face to cover one Jap-o’s whole body. The kids must have been frightened – I don’t blame them.

After passing around pictures I tried to play a few guessing games.

Here’s the play by play…

“Alright, the rookie out of southern California steps up the plate. Nicholas ‘White Bread’ Giunta.”

“He seems confident Bob”

“Yes indeed Chip”

“What a fool”

“Yep”

“I hope he crash and burns”

“Yep”

God damn you Bob.

Every question I asked I got the same response.

I realize words are useless. Less talk more rock.

I split the kids into groups and ask them what they would like for team names. They all chose the names of Pokemon... I'm serious

Hey Pokemon are cool

Shut up Toby, Ramil, and Ryan.

Pikachu, Richu, and Pichu,

I mean, I know this is Japan and all, but you're fucking 17 years old. SEVENTEEN!!

Sing it Stevie!

Let me see.. what was I doing when I was seventeen? Oh yea.. I was putting lotion on my sore dick from all that dry sex I was having. Now granted dry sex is less comfortable then watching your mom open mouth kiss, it’s still better then thinking about Pokemon at school. Have you seen what Japanese girls wear to school?! How can you think about anything else? If a teacher asked for my team name I would probably respond with “The Up-Skirt Photo Team.”

Harooo

Now this is probably what bothers me the most about Japanese culture.

After the class, Sensei and I walked down to the teachers room together. He walked straight to another Japanese English teacher and began to talk in native tongue. I could tell that this was an intense conversation: "OH's.. HMMMM...O doko NOOO..."

So I do what any other honkie from the states would do after a rough moment at the office. Walk to the nearest grocery store and buy enough food to make the children of Ghana jealous. I almost lost my cool when the employee asked if I had a point card in Japanese. Do I look like I'd have a fucking point card? Does it look like I even belong in this God-forsaken country!?.. But instead I took my chicken, 8 rolls of tuna, and coke to a corner and cried while I ate.

Had to jump the fence in a suit to get back onto campus...

When I get back to school I approach the teacher that Sensei had spoken to. "Hey," I said, "I saw you talking with Nakamichi Sensei.. what did you guys talk about?"

"Oh... nuh ting"

"That's bullshit, I saw the two of you talking"

"Oh .. ya... iesha doko no..kana.. I very busy"

"Look god damnit, I don't know if you knew this or not, but in the states people talk behind each others back all the time. It's normal. But now you must reciprocate the action. I saw you and Sensei talk behind my back, now you make me promise not to tell him we spoke and all bases are covered."

". . . Doko no... *smile*"

FUCK

Everyone in this country talks shit behind your back. The difference between here in the states is they are good at keeping their mouths shut, despite how fucking obvious it is.

Good job Japan, you've kicked my ass.

PS. I wrote a majority of this blog at work after the fact. I hope to God I don't get caught or I might end up like Michael P. Fay (look it up you lazy fuck)

Time Out (full)

2009-04-14T02:50:00.000-07:00

Nick why haven't you totally scored some slanted Gash?! If I were in fucking Japan I'd be laying pipe all over the fucking city. They'd call me the Demolition man from all the shit I fuck up.

First of all, you're a dick, secondly it's not that simple.

Japanese ladies are timid, nervous, scared, but also very intrigued.. . .

You think I can just roll up something like that.. You're nuts!

One must take their time, marinate the situation. Let IT know that there's no reason to be scared, you are not there to harm IT. Remember that IT is a lot more frightened of YOU then YOU are IT. Reach out with an open palm faced upward toward IT. Let IT approach you, not the other way around. If too forward, it may cause the prize to run away, or worse, yell "Chikan!!" (look it up).

Fuck it dude, I'm just going whip out my dick. They've never seen such girth through those slants!

Careful with that dick-whipping. Ya see.. There are booby traps. ...

the hands .. .

It ain't gay if the balls don't touch..

Dude you're getting desperate.

The journey is a long and treacherous one, but the reward is great and plentiful.

For those that are still weary, I have a small video that may help.. You can fast forward to around the 2 minute mark.

Japan 3 - Nick -1

2009-04-13T06:35:00.000-07:00

I got naked today, with men.

I mean, sensei I like you. But I've only known you for 3 days.. I usually try to wait a month..

Last friday I was asked by one of my Japanese English teachers if I would like to participate in a hike. I thought it would be a great chance to impress the new teacher and meet a few people in the area, so of course I agreed to go hiking.

"Oh yes, Giunta san. Bring towel, we will be going to onsen"

What the fuck is an onsen?

It's basically a 'hot spring.' Or in simpler terms = A giant fucking bathtub in which members of the same sex get butt ass naked, shower, then bath with one another.

-----------

9:00 am - We meet in front of KiiTanabe station. There were about 15 people, most of which are much older then myself. We sat around stretching for a bit then we took off..

10:00 am - Stopped at a temple and got an ear full of knowledge about some traveling monk.

11:00 am - Shown the local crops and farms that fuel the markets in the city.

12:00 am - Lunch .. which was bought at a convienent store before I left
-ham and cheese sandwich (gross)
-Chips (okay)
-Some funky piece of cake (delicious)

12:15 pm - One of our members starts to complain.. oh god I know what's coming.. It's one of those girls who brings way to much shit; two hours into the hike starts to complain and gets the youngest dude to carry her fucking load. So yes of course I have to carry her bag of 'god knows what. ' I should've looked inside but I can imagine what was in it...

-Razor for her chin hair
-Extra pair of briefs in case she shit her pants
-popcorn
-chips
-chocolate
- sandwich (most likely pork)
-an apple
- femininity (or maybe left at home)

Nick, stop being a fucking dick, how do you know she had that stuff in there?

BECAUSE I SAW HER EATING THE WHOLE TIME. Everyother minute when she wasn't talking to me about anime or her birthday she was offering me snacks she had in zip-lock bags.

Anyway, where was I?

12:45 pm - Temple, signifying the pilgrimage of Tanabe.

1:00 pm - I found that farmers in Japan use actual scarecrow techiniques..

Here's another shot

1:30 pm - Temple....

2:00 pm - Back starts to hurt from carrying girls shit.

2:30 pm - We all sit down to rest for a while.

2:45 - Fucking Temple.

3:00 - Finished. Does she say thanks? No. But seeing her ill and ready to colapse was just as good.

-------

"Now we go to onsen, it will relax us"

I must admit I was a tad bit nervous.

Why Nick? You scared you got a small dick?

Well YES and NO.. Allow me to explain..

I'm not one to refer to racial stereotypes but I think it's fairly common that most have heard the rumors that Asians have small penis'. (Yes Ryan, Yes Lance, sure lets through Ramil in there too, Kirks cool. I've seen it, it's huge)

Yeah man, you should be fine.

No this is where you're wrong. Everyone already knows that the Japanese have small dicks. So therefore the Japanese are thinking: "Here comes this brillant, strong, strapping young man into my country, he must be built like a horse."
Think of it as the BB (Boner Bar) is set so low, one could never dissapoint. That's genius. If everyone ALREADY THINKS you have a small penis then however big your manmeat really is, it's way bigger then prior notions.

Once naked and cleansed I jump into the outdoor onsen which overlooks the beach. This is beautiful. I am now enjoying the sunset with 8 perfectly naked older men.
What's the first thing these strangers tell me. They point to my chest hair with great interest. I am told I am the hairest man in Japan. Here's an image:

GRRRRrrrrrr

Dear Japan,

I'm writing to thank you for the wonderful afternoon we spent together. I have to admit I was a bit nervous about the whole ordeal. I mean we've only known each other for a couple of weeks, and you wanted me to get butt naked with a bunch of strangers? Please understand that's not how it works in the states. One would normally have to take me out, buy me a drink, slip me a roofie while I'm away in the bathroom then carry me home.
Thank you for being so upfront and gentle with me. When nervous you calmed me. When I was scared you slowed down. Thank you. I have never been able to completely be myself around anyone. This feels SO GOOD.

Time Out (20 second)

2009-04-12T07:17:00.001-07:00

I fucking hate my toilet

Japan 3 - Nick 0

2009-04-09T07:30:00.000-07:00

My trip to Harajuku..

Probably my favorite part of Tokyo ..

Harajuku is probably best known for the "Harajuku girls" that Gwen Stefanie kicks it with in her videos.

I set out to find them...

First things first... Cherry blossoms in the park. Here in Japan it's not just about looking at the cherry blossoms it's about 'experiencing' them. People have giant picnics and get effin TANKED while looking at flowers. Sounds like something my cousins would like to do... especially you Josh

The blossoms weren't in full form just yet but it was still quite the sight. Actually I don't know what was cooler, the blossoms or these guys.. .

The fifties aren't dead completely... Who the fuck knew.
I don't know if the dance was choreographed or not, but they definitely practiced these moves all the time. There was cute a large crowd of honkies watching them. Us ol' whitey's shuh do like er' fiddies!

So those guys were cool but they weren't the Harajuku girls I set out to find!!1

My journey continued . .

Still in disbelief from the moves of the those greasers a throb developed. A throb I could no longer push away.. ya see..

Since I've been here in Japan I've been in constant contact with other human beings. I've had absolutely no time to myself, which means no self satisfaction. In more blunt terms I've had no time to masturbate. Correct sir, this swinging sac of seamen is ready to burst. So what do I do? The same thing any other self respecting man would do, I found a complete stranger to give me a hug..

All over my leg

The sign reads 'Free hugs' in case anyone was wondering..

Back on my quest..

Shortly after the free hug I found a horde of people standing next to the steps of a bridge.

"This must be it!" I thought. "This must be the legendary spot of the Harajuku girls!"

I fought my way through a sea of black hair and bad teeth and found it!! A HARAJUKU GIRL!!1

oh my god.. are you kidding me

It's a fucking DUDE!! A SHEMALE, MANGINA! CHICKS WITH DICKS!!

GOD WHHHYYY?? - Why is it that what I think is going to be a beautiful Japanese women is a dude. What I think is going to have breasts has a chest. A vagina into a PURPLE HEADED YOGURT SLINGER. (just for you asakusa)

Damnit Japan, I'll NEVER BEAT YOU!!!1

insult to injury..

the subway home...

Japan 2 - Nick 0 (tie)

2009-04-07T06:02:00.001-07:00

Hey Nick,
Please stop writing about toilets that squirt water up your bum, potheads and redneck girls. Give me some SUBSTANCE!

Alright alright, calm down ..

MY NEW PLACE!!

As I'm moving my futon up to the loft (to give myself more room downstairs) I did this...

Hey where's the fixture?
....
..
.
.

Ohhhhhhh...

GOD DAMMIT JAPAN!!!

It's just such a hassle because I just moved in, I don't have a broom or vacuum.
The bigger pain in the ass is the fact I'm not supposed to wear shoes in this place. Damn you Jap-o's (thanks Scotty)

Nick for Christ's sake stop fucking complaining!

Fine, fine, man you're acting up tonight..

This is a ten minute walk from my door

And this was my first cooked meal in Japan. Chicken dumplings, some type of raw fish (tasted like salmon?) soy sauce, and rice which was a little soggy.. YES!

Alright, alright, this is getting boring. Please tell me something gross ..

Ha I knew you'd fold! I can't seem to find a store that sells toilet paper...

West Virgina -99 California 0

2009-04-05T06:37:00.000-07:00

Dear Meredith from West Virginia (or Pittsburgh, Ohio, North Carolina, DC... Where ever the hell you're from),

I don't care if you come from a state that doesn't matter...

I miss you. I do.. We've only known each other for a few weeks. But you must've seen me winking at you during training. YOU MUST HAVE! I made it so *bloody OBVIOUS! The way you looked in that business attire drove me nuts. Those tight button up shirts complimented well with pants that were sufficated your buttox. I'm pretty sure the second day of training I heard your butt talk to me..

"Get me the hell out of these pants Nick.. I beg you"

"Dude, I would love to, you look amazing, but she'll kill me"

"I won't tell her!!1 If you let me out I swear I won't tell her..."

A coquette from DubV who put me in place. ..

Please tell me you remember the night I tried to bitch and complain about how bad training sucks and all you did was tell me to change my tampon. That my life sucks because I suck AT life-It was at that moment when I knew I must have you. *Oh I think we'd have quite a good time together.

I tried to get close to you.. What were those magic words you shouted at me? ..
"I swear to fucking God if you try to touch me I'll punch you in the fucking face.."

I LOVE YOU

I want my tooth pick back

A cute blonde from a state that doesn't matter, who will punch me in the face but will look amazing while doing it... For this, West Virginia you get one point out of the negatives.

*Stupid phrases or words made famous by the British

Japan 2 - Nick 0

2009-04-01T20:37:00.000-07:00

Bidet part II

Back by popular demand is another post about the refreshing Bidet.
I know what some of you are thinking, "Nick, for Christs sake, stop writing about water penetrating your ass."

I can't help it...

I guess I should start from the BEGINNING

...
..
.

I don't poop like I used to back home in the states. Now for those that know me well this must come as a surprise.
Japan is different, I'm not eating like I used to. No more grease induced food to slighter its way out my rectum (If you're not sure what a rectum is there is a diagram below)

Then Nick What are you eating!?

Simple sir, I took a picture for all of you to see ...

Alright so that's ramen, and it runs about 8 USD. Which is probably the cheapest meal you'll find.

So once eating out at ramen houses became a little too expensive I had to resort to a more rudimentary approach ...

Yeah that's me cooking 50 cent packages of Ramen in a tea kettle. I'M BROKE!!! (but that's a whole nother story)

Eating ramen noodles everyday does not make one take a proper dump.

Hey Nick! Why don't you eat some Good ol' Fashion American food!? That will surely make you take a nasty shit...

Correct Old friend! But let me remind you that the American food here is mimicked poorly and still tastes like shit.. Example below

A small box of KFC near 9 USD! Are you FUCKING kidding me!? 9 dollars for a colonic! I mean I need to poop, desperately, but I'm not about to spend 9 dollars on shitty imported chicken from the colonel. (Sorry Ramil)

So I did the logical thing and hit up ... McDonalds..

Which actually didn't taste that bad...

Then The Next Morning....

...
..
.

IT STRIKES!

One of the most awkward dumps I've ever takin in my life.

I reach over to my left for the bidet.. and it's different! I'm not used to this one. There's the button for the normal bidet. But there's a second button and it's in pink... I .. Can't... Read.. .

FRONT!!! IT SAYS FRONT!

Now I'm guessing the button was made for the ladies... But I had to try it myself.. when in Rome..

AMAZING!

Of course I made a diagram for all of you to see for yourselves. . .

Water sprays just around the chode area.. and if you lean forward enough it will tickle your balls.

Oh Japan, I know this may seem a little sudden, and forward but.. The last two weeks have been really special. I haven't felt this way in such a long time. I hope this isn't just a fling, I want this to be real. I think you're great, I don't ever want to leave you.. I love you

Nicholas

Drug Tests 1 - Norcal 0

2009-03-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about putting water up my Urethra..
I literally almost threw up my rice and beef curry.

Fuckin Norcal!

As soon as I heard he was from "Jefferson" northern California I thought "Don't do it Nick, don't assume he's a pothead. Not everyone from NorCal likes weed.."
--"Fuck man I shouldn't have smoked before I came here, what if they send me home? What should I do? I've been reading some stuff on the internet..."

The poor guy was freaking out about his drug test. "They never said anything about a drug test man... I'm thinking about drinking a hella alot of cranberry juice and working out to sweat it out.. I've also heard you can put water up your urethra and piss it out."

Jesus Christ buddy.

For those of you that don't know what the urethra is here's a little picture

Talk about desperate! Putting water up your pee hole!

Dear people from Northern California. Next time you plan on telling someone about your desperation acts of 'dick pumping' please keep them away from my beef curry.

For this you lose

Japan 1 - Nick 0

2009-03-24T08:13:00.000-07:00

Son of a bitch!!

I didn't even get off the airplane and I have an e-mail address from a Japanese woman! Hell yes I took a picture! How can you blame me?
So what if she has 4 kids back in San Diego, spoke VERY poor English, and is coming to Japan for the soul purpose to sign divorce papers... I'm a gaijin who hasn't even touched DOWN on the SOIL of Japan but I'm already getting it done. Hot damn!

And she was so sweet.. it was as if a Churro and Funnel cake made romance in a park...

...By the hand she helped me fill out all my paper work at customs.

Told me to e-mail her so she could help me around Tokyo... God Damn you Japanese girls!

Rivers was right

....

First thing I did when I got to the hotel room?

For those of you that know me well this shouldn't come to any real surprise-I took a giant dump.
BUT HARK! To my delight, what do I find? A mythical device I've only heard about in stories from the Orient... A BIDET!

Good heavens, the Toilets in Japan do things to me Loved ones wouldn't!

I've never felt more cleansed and accomplished.

A COUNTRY THAT WILL PAMPER YOUR ASS THEN LICK IT CLEAN?

Japan wins.
Japan 1 - Nick 0